Awesome USA!

Draft Wrap

2008-06-29T16:31:00.006-04:00

1) New Jersey Nets
Sure, it can’t be denied that the Nets practically fell into quite possibly the two steals of the night, but you have to show New Jersey a little respect considering all the teams that passed on Brook Lopez (#10) and Chris Douglas-Roberts (#40). Lopez falling to tenth is unexpected, but CDR dropping to the second round, let alone fortieth is one of the all-time draft head scratchers. I could write an entire article on just how good I think these guys are going to be, but I’ll get to the Lopez, CDR, and the Nets other first round pick, Ryan Anderson, later.
To start things off, though, I think I need to address the biggest story coming out of the draft – the fact that New Jersey has positioned itself as the inevitable future home of Lebron James.
Just look at how things have fallen in place for the soon-to-be Brooklyn Jigga Men. The Nets move Kidd to Dallas and bring in Devin Harris, a promising young point guard that can push tempo and doesn’t need to dominate the ball, and DeSagana Diop, who surprisingly developed into one of the more serviceable backup centers in the league during his time in Dallas. Then, the Cavs, coming off a trip to the Finals, bow out in the second round. In the meantime, Cleveland also manages to make moves that bring in Joe Smith, Ben Wallace and Wally Zwycrkbrzykiak (who, incidentally, plays like that frat guy you can find in any intramural league on any campus in America – you know, the one that played a semester of D-III basketball and now feels entitled to hang around the perimeter throwing up errant threes and exerting absolutely no effort on defense while making sure that the gel he put in his hair before the game doesn’t get in his eyes, yeah, that guy). While the acquisitions may have marginally improved Cleveland in the short-term, it also effectively makes the Cavs one of the older teams in the league, at least when it comes to its everyday rotation. Not to mention that a starting backcourt of Delonte West/Daniel Gibson and Devin Brown is a joke. Who is Devin Brown anyway? There are better starting backcourts in the D-League. In the frontcourt, Big Ben, Big Z, and Big Joe Smith will be a combined 175 years old when LBJ comes up for free agency. Plus, Anderson Varejao looks like he’s on his way out. In fairness, I understand Cleveland is doing everything it can to acquire P.J. Brown and talk Xavier McDaniel, Tyrone Hill, and Kevin Willis out of retirement. Unless J.J. Hickson lives up to the potential possessed by a player with more potential than J.J. Hickson, things could be looking a mess. Upon review of this pathetic excuse for a roster, I challenge anyone to make a compelling case that any of these guys deserves the title of second best player in Cleveland.
So, what’s a Global Icon to do? The Nets are making this one a no-brainer. They added Brook Lopez, the best center in the draft (shades of Tim Duncan I might add), a two-guard in CDR who can take scoring pressure off Vince Carter (aka the really lazy guy with no heart who is keeping the small forward position warm until the Chosen One arrives) and Ryan Anderson from Cal. Anderson is an excellent scorer with a diverse offensive game. If he proves that he can play even marginal defense, he’ll be a nice pickup and possibly a rotation player. The backcourt features Harris, CDR, and Marcus Williams. New Jersey’s frontcourt is even more impressive. Sean Williams fills the roll of the shot-blocking defensive specialist. Lopez adds an offensive presence on the block. Diop provides girth (shout out to Notorious Third Leg on the girth reference). Josh Boone provides rebounding, toughness, and a woman’s haircut. And, on top of this, the Nets get rid of Richard Jefferson while he has his highest possible trade value, getting Chairman Yi and Bobby Simmons in return. Yi, like all Chinese basketball players, has both upside and an enormous ass. (Yi’s ass isn’t really all that big, but it would be funny if it was.) And perhaps most importantly, New Jersey will be moving to Brooklyn. With Jigga Man at the helm, it is quite possible that the Nets will become the Netz or the Ballerz or some other nickname ending in “z.” Regardless, it’s now official, James will reach Global Icon-status in the Big Apple. At this point in time, feel free to download Hova’s “You Belong to the City” off itunes while rereading these last few paragraphs.

2) Minnesota Timberwolves
Minnesota gets credit for drafting O.J. Mayo at three and then moving him to Memphis in a multi-player trade that brings Kevin Love and Mike Miller to the Twin Cities. Keeping Mayo would have created a glut of young perimeter players in Minny. Randy Foye, an improved Rashad McCants, and Cory Brewer, who is still trying to find his way, will get a dose of veteran leadership from Mike Miller. Despite all of the funny things that could be written about Miller’s face, he will help to take some of the scoring burden off of Al Jefferson, and he’ll provide much-needed outside shooting. OK, he’ll also provide a face only a mother could love. Are you happy?
After Beasley and Rose, I believe Love is the best player in the draft. And even more so than Beasley and Rose, I think he improves his team immediately. Expect at least ten more wins for the Wolves, which would be a tall over given the competitiveness of the Western Conference. Love is as intelligent a player as I have ever witnessed. And please note that I didn’t include any caveat limiting that statement to players his age. He’s already as good a passer as C-Webb in his prime, and he’s not just an underrated defender, he’s an excellent defender. Kevin McHale basically drafted a slightly overweight version of himself. Between Al Jefferson and Love, that is a whole lot of beef for teams to contend with in the paint. Make no mistake, Minnesota is ready to mash bodies. It should also be noted that the T-wolves got rid of the disease that is Antoine Walker and picked up some guy named Nicola Pekovic from Serbia with the first pick in the second round when they could have taken Chris Douglas-Roberts. I guess two first-team all-Americans in the same draft is just overkill. For this misstep alone, I probably should have dropped the Wolves a couple of spots.

3) Portland Trailblazers
Maybe Portland should be rated even higher. It’s just that I’m starting to think Portland might have too much young talent. I really liked the Brandon Rush pick at thirteen, but the trade for Jarryd Bayless makes sense. Bayless is a shooting guard with point guard size. I’m not sure he successfully transitions to the point on another team. However, he has a chance to work in a system that runs its offense through Brandon Roy. The Rush trade made even more sense after the Blazers used Darrell Arthur to get Nicolas Batum from Memphis. Going into the draft, I thought Batum was a top 10 talent. An absolute gazelle on the floor. He’s silky smooth and is reported to be a lockdown defender. Unfortunately, there are concerns that the kid has some medical issues with his heart, as opposed to some Vince Carter problems with his heart. I would have loved to see Batum in a San Antonio uniform, as he would have been the logical heir to the throne of Bruce Bowen. I realize that this last comment may trigger a string of responses (that is, if we have any readers left) accusing Bowen of being a dirty play and the Spurs of ruining basketball. Let me save you the trouble. Yes, you’re right the Spurs have ruined basketball. All they do is flop. Soccer is gay. Obama is a Muslim. Blah blah blah. More on Batum later.

4) Memphis Grizzlies
Not sure getting rid of Mike Miller’s scoring was the best idea ever. Still, you pick up O.J. Mayo, which may end up saving professional basketball in Memphis and you add Darrell Arthur, which fills a glaring need for low-post scoring. While I’m not completely sold on Arthur, the Antawn Jamison comparisons are intriguing.

5) Los Angeles Clippers
Yes, I realize that, despite the Clippers strong draft, they will continue to pile up losing seasons. Still, picking up Eric Gordon at seven and DeAndre Jordan in the second-round is pretty impressive. Gordon’s built like a running back and will provide instant scoring help. He also has a big, meaty babyface. Make no mistake, Jordan sucks right now. And, as a general rule, I believe potential and upside are overrated in the context of players who suck. Had Jordan been taken in the Top 10 as many draft analysts had been predicting early in his freshman campaign, it would have been a joke. But for Jordan to fall to the second round is more than a little surprising. In any other organization, I could really see Jordan blossoming into something special, but at the Island of Misfit Toys, no one really gets better. Jordan may very well end up a less expensive version of the Kandi Man. To top it off, he may not even enjoy the benefit of playing next to Elton Brand. Oh well, DeAndre can always hunt human beings in the offseason with Chris Kaman.
The Clips also picked up Mike Taylor from Iowa State/the D-League. Not really sure how that works. Even though he lacks true point guard skills at this point, if you watched any of his pre-draft camp games, you know he provides Rajon Rondo-level athleticism at the one.

6) Miami Heat
I’m rating Miami this high in spite of myself, considering Pat Riley’s nonsense about taking O.J. Mayo with the second pick. Michael Beasley will be a star in this league. He’s an absolute natural. If he wasn’t playing on a team with Dwyane Wade and Shawn Marion (and possibly Elton Brand), I’d put him down for 20 and 10 a night. Regardless, he’ll get there soon enough. I think he compares favorably to Carmelo Anthony but with a more post-oriented game and better rebounding skills. If the Heat can pick up Brand and Wade can stay healthy, they could contend in the East (as the Celtics age, pretty much every team in the East is one or two moves away from contending; obviously, this doesn’t apply to the Knicks). That being said, they have to improve their bench, because it is quite possibly the worst in the league.
The Heat also picked up Mario Chalmers. I’m not as high on Chalmers as some, as I’m not convinced he can play the point. Still, he has quick, active hands that make him a defensive force capable of applying pressure to ball-handlers. That last sentence is a joke waiting to happen.

7) Indiana Pacers
Indiana made the right move in getting rid of Jermaine O’Neal. He had a great career as a Pacer, but we were nearing Last Days of Vince Carter in Toronto status. On second thought, that might not be fair, but you get the idea. Indiana is in full-out rebuilding mode, and things are progressing rather nicely. I’m not a huge fan of T.J. Ford, and things would have gotten really interesting if D.J. Augustin had still been available at the eleven spot. As it turned out, Jerryd Bayless somehow dropped to eleven. The Pacers snatched him up and then shipped him out to Portland in exchange for Brandon Rush. The Pacers turned their second first round pick into Roy Hibbert, who couldn’t be at the draft because he was working on his booger collection. Rush and Hibbert are nice pickups for Indiana. Both should be able to contribute immediately. A Jeff Foster-Roy Hibbert pivot is better than one might think.
The only problem I see with the Pacers roster at this point in time is that so much of their talent is at the two and three. Sure, Danny Granger can play a little four, but do you really want your best player and one of the brightest young stars in the league playing out of position too often. Mike Dunleavy can play a little two, but with the acquisition of Rush, he’ll probably have to play more three. For those of you who just think of Mike, Jr. as an overpaid bust who used to date Dead Girl, you might be interested to know that he averaged 19.1 ppg for the 07-08 campaign, all without playing even a second of respectable defense. The odd man out here might be Shawne Williams who may very well become trade bait in an attempt to acquire another point guard or a middling power forward.

8) Toronto Raptors
Not so much for what they did during the draft but for what they did leading up to it. In a multi-player trade with Indiana, the Raptors sent T.J. Ford and their first round pick to Indiana for Jermaine O’Neal. I think it is quite possible for Toronto to get up to three more good years out of O’Neal. Playing alongside Chris Bosh should rejuvenate Jermaine. I don’t think it’s too far-fetched to predict that Toronto will contend in the Eastern Conference next year. Toronto’s biggest weaknesses are its bench and their lack of a scoring wing. Anthony Parker (Candace’s brother and, therefore, Five-Head’s future brother-in-law) is solid, but the Raptors could have used Chris Douglas-Roberts. Still, Nathan Jawai, a 6’10, 270-pound Australian provides the Raptors with a semblance of low-post toughness.

9) Charlotte Bobcats
Charlotte’s not higher because I’m still having trouble believing the Bobcats have already given up on Raymond Felton. That being said, I’m a big D.J. Augustin fan, and think he will be better than Felton before his second season comes to an end. We know how hard Larry Brown is on his point guards, but Augustin is a real student of the game, watching hours of Steve Nash game film at a time, and could flourish under Brown’s tutelage. Still, I can’t believe they passed on Brook Lopez with the ninth pick. Charlotte has been trying its hardest to find a way to limit Emeka Okafor’s clock at center, and drafting Lopez would have achieved just that. That being said, the draft really came together for Charlotte when it nabbed Alexis Ajinca with the 20th selection. Ajinca, like most young, foreign players, has some developing to do, but he has the potential to be the center of the future in Charlotte. Now, if the Bobcats could just find some low-post scoring.
I also like the Kyle Weaver pickup. He’s a long defender who can do a little bit of everything. Wouldn’t be surprised at all if he ends up a regular in Charlotte’s rotation.

10) Boston Celtics
I really like J.R. Giddens in Boston. And I really like Bill Walker in Boston. I’m just not sure I like Giddens and Walker in Boston. There are at least a few character questions with both of these guys. On any other team, I would think that the combination amounted to a disaster waiting to happen. The reason why the Celtics brass should sleep easy, however, is quite simple – Kevin Garnett. You know, it’s odd, because I’m really not a huge Garnett fan. Sure, I love his defense and his desire to win. It’s just that he’s a little goofy, and I’m not completely sure his whole “insane guy that loves to win more than anyone else ever” shtick is totally genuine. But, you have to give the guy credit. His enthusiasm is infectious, and he commands nearly universal respect around the league. Hell, Rasheed Wallace basically made out with him before the Boston-Detroit series was even over. Back to the picks, though. Giddens has an extremely mature offensive game and elite-level athleticism. Walker is built like a tank and might eventually be able to fill a James Posey-type role with the Celtics. Boston also picked up Semih Erden with the last pick of the night. I could probably write an entire book on that guy, but now is not the time.

11) Phoenix Suns
The Suns took Robin Lopez at fifteen, and traded their second round pick, Malik Hairston to San Antonio for Goran Dragic from Slovenia. I don’t know much about Dragic and I’m not all that high on Hairston, but it sure seems like Phoenix could use a young athlete on the wing who can shoot the three-ball. I think they’ve missed the Joe Johnson-Quentin Richardson-James Jones factor the last couple of years. Still, I liked the Lopez pick. He’ll be a rugged defender down low from day one, and I think he can become an effective offensive player. Most importantly, the Lopez twins are awesome. Their voices are awesome. Their obsession with Walt Disney and Michael Jackson is awesome. And their overall weirdness is awesome. On a number of occasions, my friends and I have talked about how we would behave if we were professional athletes. (I’m sure you’ve had similar conversations. I, for one, would like to think I would act like Steve Nash.) Anyway, someone always points out that there aren’t enough eccentric professional athletes. We complain that players are far too worried about putting up a front, acting cool, and being perceived as tough. Well, the Lopez twins are the answers to our complaints. They obviously don’t care what people think about them. They are tremendously strange, to a point that is almost impossible to convey to the uninitiated.

12) New York Knicks
Nice solid pick by New York. I was pretty sure the Knicks were going to go with Danilo Gallinari, but a small part of me thought D’Antoni would reach and take D.J. Augustin. Ultimately, I think the Knicks made the right move. The limited tape I’ve seen on Gallinari is impressive. Looks like he can put the ball on the floor and pull up. A number of analysts have compared Gallinari to Toni Kukoc. While Kukoc was a good player, it seems like people remember him as being far more talented than he actually was. Also, Gallinari kind of looked like an Italian Clark Kent on draft night.

13) Orlando Magic
I’m not even sold on Courtney Lee being a first round talent, but I like the fit here. Orlando has holes in its roster at two guard and power forward. (They’re going to cut about three years off of Rashard Lewis’ career if they keep making him play the four.) Anyway, Lee satisfies a need – an athletic, slashing scorer on the wing. Keith Bogans and Maurice Evans are talented and underrated shooting guards, but they are basically identical in both skill set and physical appearance. Neither provides much offensive firepower, and, unfortunately, one may be looking for employment elsewhere. Darrell Arthur may have been a nice fit here. I can see Arthur being a bust, but his unorthodox face-up game and ability to get out on the break would have been a nice compliment to Dwight Howard’s power game. Go Hilltoppers!

14) Dallas Mavericks
I know, I know. How can I possibly have Dallas rated this high when they didn’t even have a first round pick? Well, I would answer that question with a question. That question being: did you see Shan Foster getting dirty on the keyboard? In all seriousness, though, I really like this pick. Foster is extremely limited athletically, and I’m not sure he makes a number of teams in the league. However, I like the fit in Dallas. Foster is a tremendous shooter, an absolute natural from deep. If he can make the Mavs’ roster, he’ll provide some much-needed scoring punch, as the Dallas offense seemed to stagnate at times last year. I think Dallas is putting together a pretty nice Bench Mob of its own – with Jerry Stackhouse, Brandon Bass, and Shan Foster. Now, if only they could acquire Pau Gasol for Jose Barea and a pair of cut-off jean shorts, the Mavs would be in business.

15) Chicago Bulls
Yes, the Bulls got Derrick Rose, and I think Rose will turn out to be a fine point guard. In fact, I think he has the potential to be a great point guard. Like Beasley, he makes the game look easy, and, on top of that, he’s a winner. I’m not big on Kirk Hinrich, so I’m not blasting Chicago for upgrading at the point. Still, I have two problems with Chicago’s draft, one major and one minor. I have a small problem with the Bulls picking Rose over Beasley. I’ll leave it at that, since I can see both sides of this argument. I have a very large problem, however, with the Bulls decision to take Sonny Weems (who I happen to like) in the second round with the thirty-ninth pick. Apparently, Weems has since been traded for the rights to Omer Asik. So, what’s the problem? Well, Chris Douglas-Roberts was the fortieth pick in the draft and was, thus, available at thirty-nine. CDR was Derrick Rose’s backcourt running mate at Memphis and would have been a ridiculously nice pickup for a team banking its future on its new point guard’s smooth transition to the NBA. The sheer stupidity displayed by the Bulls here garners them a much lower rating than would have otherwise been assigned to them.

16) Golden State Warriors
Anthony Randolph has as much upside as any player in the draft save Rose and Beasley. However, Golden State is the premier collector of upside and potential in the NBA. In fact, they like upside and potential so much that they rarely develop it. I admit that I like Randolph more than Brandan Wright already. (I always thought that Wright, Channing Frye, and LaMarcus Aldridge were better suited for the WNBA. Then again, we’ve seen how wrong I was about Frye and Aldridge.) Still, Golden State already has a stable of long, lean, athletic thoroughbreds which includes the likes of Matt Barnes, Stephen Jackson, Mickael Pietrus, and Wright.
While Randolph is more of the same in Golden State (with admittedly a ton of potential), I love the Richard Hendrix pick. He reminds of a more explosive but probably less driven version of Leon Powe. Hendrix was ultra-efficient at Alabama and will provide the Warriors with some much-needed bulk. I expect Hendrix to be a double-digit scorer within a few years if he gets a fair shake. I thought he was a first round talent. Could end up being a huge steal.

17) Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks had no draft picks. I actually think this was the right decision for Atlanta, considering just how young their team is. No reason to bring in more youth when you’re oldest player is younger than Frankie Muniz. Obviously, Atlanta serves as a sort of dividing line between those teams that had nice drafts and those that did not.

18) San Antonio Spurs
OK, before you decide to blast my decision not to rate the Spurs dead last (or at least close to it), let me save you the trouble. Bruce Bowen is dirty player, and the Spurs are ruining basketball. All they do is flop. Soccer is gay. Oh, and Obama is a Muslim. Happy? Oh, so you also think George Hill sucks because you’ve never heard of him. Well, I’m going to give the Spurs the benefit of the doubt here. From what I understand, Hill is truly a combo guard – not a shooting guard that isn’t big enough to play the two in the pros but one who is athletic enough to play the two if need be. Readers should note the fact that the pool of point guards in this year’s draft was extremely shallow, and the Spurs backup is Jacque Vaughn. Additionally, I understand he has 3% body fat. While I realize this doesn’t mean he is going to excel in the NBA, it is interesting. And yes, the Spurs are ruining basketball. And most foreigners are cowards. When I heard David Stern announce the Spurs pick name, the first thing that popped into my head was Derek Fisher out of tiny Arkansas-Little Rock. Call me crazy, but I think the Spurs have earned the benefit of the doubt. That being said, they are obviously both ruining basketball and running arms into Red China.
The Spurs also picked up Malik Hairston, which will provide them with youth, athleticism, and shooting from the wing – all good things, unless of course they’re happening in San Antonio, the place where basketball died. Hairston failed to live up to his potential in Eugene, but I really think Coach Pop will get something out of him. However, that’s more than I can say for James Gist, who the Spurs nabbed with the fifty-seventh selection. Unlike Hill, I am familiar with Gist’s game (or lack thereof). I can’t imagine that even the Spurs will be able to make Gist a productive NBA player.

19) Philadelphia 76ers
Marreese Speights has loads of upside, and I can see him becoming a very effective scorer on the blocks. I just can’t get past some of the things I’ve heard about Speights’ laziness and conditioning. Plus, as much as I like Mo Cheeks, he doesn’t seem to be much of a drill sergeant. One nice thing for the Sixers is the position shift that will be created by adding Speights to the lineup. Rather than having to start Willie Green at the two, Andre Iguodala at the three, and Thaddeus Young at the four, Speights can be inserted, which will allow Iguodala and Young to slide into their more natural two and three positions respectively. What was a very undersized lineup will be much more formidable. Plus, Green can come off the bench and provide some scoring pop – something that was lacking during Philadelphia 07-08 campaign.

20) Houston Rockets
After some wheeling and dealing, the Rockets ended up with Donte Greene, Joey Dorsey, and Maarty Leunen. The only reason the Rockets are this high is Donte Greene. Greene is a long, athletic three that can shoot from deep (too often for the most part) and score on the blocks (when he’s actually on the blocks). Still, Greene could one day take some scoring pressure off T-Mac. Could end up being one of the better players from this draft.
As for Dorsey and Leunen, I can’t say I understand Houston’s thinking. They have too many fours as it is. Chuck Hayes is probably their third best power forward. Carl Landry came on strong at the end of last year and may actually have surpassed Luis Scola as the Rockets best four. So, with three power forwards that just about any team would love to have, why would Houston feel the need to take Joey Dorsey. Apparently, it’s because Houston’s management thinks he is the best defensive player in the country. Seriously, that’s what they’ve said. Well, Landry and Hayes aren’t too shabby on the defensive end of the floor, and Dorsey disappears for games at a time. He’s not nearly talented enough to be a head-case at the professional level, but that’s exactly what the Rockets are getting. It’s funny, though, if Joey Dorsey was in Boston, I’d predict great success for him. That’s the KG effect, though. There are so many young players who could benefit from some time with him. DeAndre Jordan and J.J. Hickson also come to mind. When KG’s playing days are over, he should open some sort of apprenticeship/ workshop for wayward souls and players lacking heart.
Oh, and as for Maarty Leunen, he was a nice college player, but I was extremely surprised to hear his name called.

21) Utah Jazz
Utah picked up three white guys on draft night: Kosta Koufos, Ante Tomic, and Tadija Dragicevic. I’m not really a Koufos fan, but I think he fits in nicely with Utah’s system. Kind of a more athletic Mehmet Okur, but his range doesn’t extend all the way out to the three-point line. A number of scouts were high on Ante Tomic, and I can see him panning out down the road. I know nothing about Dragicevic. At this point, I’m starting to think that the NBA is really a big game of NBA Live, and the guy controlling Utah thinks it would be funny to construct a team of nothing but white guys. He’s almost there.

22) Seattle Supersonics
I actually like the haul the Sonics came away with from the draft – Russell Westbrook, Serge Ibaka, D.J. White, DeVon Hardin, and Sasha Kaun. However, I have a couple of pretty significant problems with the Sonics picks. First, I really like Russell Westbrook. An athletic finisher and an incredible lockdown defender. The degree to which he bottled up O.J. Mayo this past season was nothing short of work of art. Still, while I really like Westbrook as a late lottery pick, I don’t like him much at all at number four. Kid Nut Raven needs some scoring help, and I’d be surprised if Westbrook ever averages 15 ppg. Plus, Jeff Green already fits the role of unassuming sidekick that doesn’t need the ball to be effective. Additionally, I’m not at all convinced that Westbrook can play the point. My other problem with the soon-to-be Oklahoma City Supersonics is their decision to bring in this many young players during KNR’s formative years. Sure, Ibaka will probably stay overseas, Hardin doesn’t have a guaranteed contract, and Kaun is apparently going to be paid a ridiculous sum of rubles to play in Russia, but I just think Durant could use some roster stability. A few notes on the picks: D.J. White is going to be a nice post player in the Sonics rotation and may one day be a reliable starter. Hardin could be a nice shot blocker off the bench, but he seems like one of those guys who looks like he should be able to play but just never figures it out. Ibaka is said to be a freak of an athlete, but the available footage on Ibaka appears to have been shot at a local YMCA and suggest that Serge was playing against the Awesome USA! staff.

23) Milwaukee Bucks
Joe Alexander and Luc Richard Mbab a Moute aren’t bad pickups, but I’m a little confused as to why Milwaukee decided to add three small forwards in the span of like three days (Milwaukee shipped out Bobby Simmons and Chairman Yi for Richard Jefferson). Plus, their presumptive power forward, Charlie Villanueva, plays more like a three, and Desmond Mason has never had the shooting ability to spend much time at the two. I’m just not sure why the Bucks didn’t go with Jerryd Bayless here, especially since Mo Williams or Michael Redd may be in a different uniform next year. I like Alexander, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he was a complete bust. I think he might be the NBA version of Matt Jones (the former Arkansas Razorback and combine warrior).

24) Detroit Pistons
I don’t really like the Pistons picks – Walter Sharpe, Trent Plaisted, and Deron Washington. I especially don’t like the Pistons trading D.J. White for Sharpe and Plaisted. White would have fit nicely into Detroit’s post rotation. Still, I kind of get the rationale here. With the moves Joe Dumars is expected to be making this offseason, Detroit wanted to ensure maximum roster flexibility. With no guaranteed contracts, the Pistons accomplish just that. A few notes on the picks: Sharpe apparently has narcolepsy, which could make for one of the best YouTube clips ever at some point during his career; Plaisted provides viewers with the opportunity to see the first white guy in a Pistons uniform since Bill Laimbeer (Walter Hermann doesn’t count because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to work a Laimbeer reference into this post); and Deron Williams is a Jerome “Junkyard Dog” Williams clone with more ups and less defense. It should also be noted that if Deron and Jason Maxiell ever take the court together, the Pistons may want to invest in super-reinforced rims, as both try to dunk the ball on every possession.

25) Sacramento Kings
I realize that everyone hates what the Kings have done, and I’ll admit that I don’t like it. But I still don’t think they had the worst draft (even if they had far and away the single worst pick in draft history). Jason Thompson was probably a reach at twelve. But he’s a productive big guy who can run the floor with an NBA body. If he hadn’t been taken at twelve by Sacramento, I think Golden State would have given him a hard look at fourteen. Sean Singletary was a nice second round pick up in a point guard-thin draft. Singletary’s senior year didn’t live up to the hype, but I think he can challenge for the starting PG spot in Sacramento this year (which tells you something about the Kings’ situation at point guard).
Which brings us to Patrick Ewing, Jr. How did this happen? Do the Maloof brothers owe the original Patrick Ewing money? Rather than giving the worst basketball player ever drafted more unwarranted attention, I’ll spend the next couple sentences talking about those players that should have been drafted. I thought USC’s Davon Jefferson was a first round talent. I think a veteran team needing an athletic wing (Pistons, Spurs, or Suns) could have used this guy. Gary Forbes from UMASS would have been a nice bottom-of-the-rotation player, a slashing wing who has a high basketball I.Q. Houston’s Rich McIver, potentially an explosive scorer off the bench in the mold of Eddie House, should have been drafted, but didn’t even show up on most analysts’ radars. Xavier’s Josh Duncan, Colorado Richard Roby, Nebraska’s Aleks Maric, and Rhode Island’s Will Daniels were also nice prospects who got passed over.

26) Denver Nuggets
Denver has a number of holes in its roster and a limited window of time in which to compete for a championship (until AI hangs up his laces/demands a trade). Yet somehow, the Nuggets come back from the draft with … Sonny Weems. I actually like Sonny Weems a lot, but I think Denver would be well-served by acquiring a post player that possesses something even superficially resembling a low-post move. Camby is still looking for his first basket after twelve years in the league. All of K-Mart’s career buckets have come on the receiving end of Jason Kidd alley-oops, which means he hasn’t scored during his tenure in Denver. When Nene does score, it’s the result of bulldozing opponents and slinging up off-balance shots.

27) Los Angeles Lakers
For all of my making fun of Joe “Doctor Professor” Crawford and his lackluster basketball I.Q., I have to admit that this pick makes a little bit of sense. In fact, it’s probably the only team that could use Joe Crawford. As talented as the Bench Mob is, they really don’t have a guy who can put the ball on the floor and get to the hole. For those handful of minutes that Kobe is on the bench, Dr./Prof. may actually be able to prescribe the antidote/deliver the lecture. Sorry.

28) Cleveland Cavaliers
I’m ranking the Cavs this low without even penalizing them for New Jersey’s draft success. Cleveland took J.J. Hickson with the nineteenth pick in the draft. I don’t like Hickson at all. He’s built like a bull but has nothing close to a post-up game and suffers from Vince Carter’s heart condition. Speaking of Vinsanity, rumor has it that Cleveland contacted the Nets in an attempt to acquire the Heartless One. Needless to say, whoever picked up the phone in New Jersey laughed and then said, “I don’t think so. We’re not going to give Lebron a reason to stay in Cleveland, especially considering he’s going to be a Net in two years.”
Darnell Jackson isn’t a bad second round pickup. He plays hard and is efficient around the basket. Will likely be more productive than Hickson.
The Cavs really should have chosen Nicolas Batum at nineteen. I really think he could have played Pippen to LBJ’s Jordan. Not taking Batum may have been the proverbial last straw.

29) Washington Wizards
JaVale McGee’s mom played in the WNBA. He apparently has a lot of upside but is also described as being soft and needing to gain weight. Just when Andray Blatche is starting to show signs of becoming a productive player, the Wizards draft him all over again. Washington would have been better-served drafting a bruiser capable of contributing from the get-go. The Wizards are a bench away from becoming contenders in the East. Blatche and Nick Young were steps in the right direction, but McGee represents a step backward. Washington also loses points for shipping Bill Walker to Boston for cash considerations.

30) New Orleans Hornets
I need to temper this ranking with the following caveat: I believe New Orleans could be one of the best teams in the West for the foreseeable future (along with Los Angeles, Utah if the Jazz can keep Boozer in Salt Lake City, which, inevitably, they will not be able to do, and Portland, if the Trailblazers continue to make smart decisions). That being said, I don’t understand the Hornets’ rationale for leaving the draft empty-handed. Unlike the young Hawks who don’t need anymore young talent, the Hornets have a good mix of veterans and young players. Plus, the Hornets are almost always at a disadvantage in terms of athleticism at both wing positions (Morris Peterson and Peja Stojakovic). When Peja Stojakovic is your most athletic starting wing player, something is wrong. Especially considering he is slowly developing cankles. I like Mo Pete and Peja just fine, but, in a draft as deep as this one, you can take a stab at a Courtney Lee/J.R. Giddens/Chris Douglas-Roberts/Bill Walker-type player. And, if New Orleans really does prefer to start wings that are not able to slam dunk a basketball, they could go for a post player. If you have enough money to pay Chris “The Birdman” Andersen to make a fool of himself on a nightly basis, do you really need to be selling your first round pick for cash considerations? Me thinks not. And I’m not even penalizing New Orleans for missing out on Darrell Arthur, since they apparently agreed to the deal with Portland in advance of the draft. That being said, however, in the future, the Hornets might want to refrain from selling Scottie Pippen to the already-talented Trailblazers for a little bit of dough. Have to say that this act of greediness might come back to bite them in a Western Conference Finals about four years from now.

Things Have Gotten Really Weird Lately

2008-06-28T15:03:00.001-04:00

Awesome USA! will be delving into some new territory for the next little bit. Notice that “next little bit” does not tie us into any sort of set time period. To be honest, this is the first blog post I’ve done in like a year or something, and I probably won’t do another one for at least that long. So whatev. Anyway, Bigfeet is going to be conducting some interviews with various famous people. I was going to get a funny picture off of google images to be Bigfeet, but I’ve gotten super paranoid lately, and I don’t want to get sued and/or killed. Plus, Bigfeet is super image-conscious, going so far as to provide us with his head shot for the blog. He also sucks and is a douche bag. So, without further ado, here is Bigfeet’s first interview. A little background info: Bigfeet is a 28-year old bachelor. He has a degree in interior design and is a freelance writer. He lives with his border collies, Brodie and Kool-Aid, in suburban Atlanta. He enjoys skiing and eating new foods. (I don’t know if that means trying new types of food or just eating fresh food, as opposed to stale or rotten food.) The Awesome USA! staff appreciates his willingness to lend his talents to our blog.

*A side note: Apparently, his name is “Bigfeet” and not “Bigfoot.” When I told him that that was stupid – kind of like the guy from my hometown people call “Scopions,” as opposed to “Scorpion” or “The Scorpion” – he said, “Well, why isn’t your name ‘Person.’” Needless to say, I felt like saying, “But my name isn’t ‘People’.” Rather than cause a big fuss, I just dropped it. Like I said, Bigfeet sucks and is a douche bag. Still, I think he’s a pretty darn good investigative journalist.

In this first (and probably last) installment of Bigfeet’s interview series, Awesome USA! has somehow lined up a discussion with Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe. Mugabe has been in the news a lot lately, as his Zimbabwe African National Union-Patriotic Front (ZANU-PF) party has come under international scrutiny for its violent suppression of the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) opposition party and its nominee Morgan Tsvangirai, in the run-up to the 2008 general election. Awesome USA! would like to thank Mr. Mugabe for taking time out of his busy schedule to sit down for this intimate discussion.

Bigfeet: Good afternoon, President Mugabe.

Mugabe: Good afternoon.

Bigfeet: You, my friend, have been busy as of late.

Mugabe: Yes, well, it is hard work, you know, running a nation.

Bigfeet: Yes, I’m sure it is. So, Mr. Mugabe, you are quite the center of attention, the darling of the international media if I might say.

Mugable: Hardly. We have been demonized, made out to be demons.

Bigfeet: I’m sure that doesn’t surprise you, what with the whole taking the lands of the white man, supervising the armed suppression of the MDC, your chief political rival, driving the MDC’s presidential nominee, Morgan Tsvangirai, out of the country and into exile, and generally abandoning any semblance of democratic legitimacy.

Mugabe: Listen. We are acting on behalf of the good of the people. I am protecting the …

Bigfeet: OK. OK. Mr. Mugabe, you have been the leader of Zimbabwe since 1980. At some point, do you think you should step down, allow for a transfer of power, walk off into the sunset?

Mugabe: No, and for two reasons. One. This country, my people are still babies.

Bigfeet: Babies? How so?

Mugabe: They are not fully formed. But they also do not know their own strength, their own potential. But they need guidance.

Bigfeet: Powerful babies?

Mugabe: Enormously so.

Bigfeet: Ah, yes. Powerful, stainless steel robot babies.

Mugabe: You see, they need a strong leader, someone who will protect them from the colonialists. Bigfoot, …

Bigfeet: It’s Bigfeet.

Mugabe: Bigfeet?

Bigfeet: Yes, like more than one.

Mugabe: This makes no sense.

Bigfeet: Well, you’re one to talk.

Mugabe: Well, Mr. Bigfeet, there are other activities that a nation’s leader could be…

Bigfeet: You’re right. I’m sorry. And the second reason you would not step down to from your two-decade reign?

Mugabe: Oh, yes. You would never let me.

Bigfeet: I assure you, Mr. Mugabe, I would let you. In fact, I implore you, please step down, retire, move to Florida.

Mugabe: Not you, Bigfoot, I mean Feet. But the Americans, the West, the international community, the damned United Nations. I would be tried, brought up on charges of war crimes, crimes against humanity. That whole mess.

Bigfeet: And so you will wall yourself up in your presidential palace in fear of prosecution?

Mugabe: Of course it is not fear. And I am not, how did you say it, “walled” up in my presidential palace right now, am I? Besides, I have done nothing wrong, nothing that would ever cause me to be convicted in one of your international courts of justice.

Bigfeet: Then, why not step down?

Mugabe: Because the moment I step down. The moment I show weakness, Mr. Bigfeet, that is the moment that the UN, the international community, the human rights groups comes across our borders and we have colonialism all over again.

Bigfeet: But the international community does not want to intervene. Rwanda taught us that. The rest of the world would be happy if you would just allow the MDC and Mr. Tsvangirai to run for election against your ZANU-PF in a truly free and fair election. Without suppression.

Mugabe: Who is suppressing?

Bigfeet: Mr. Mugabe, let me read a few reports to you.

Mugabe: Who wrote these reports, the damned Red Cross?

Bigfeet: Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t like the Red Cross?

Mugabe: Pawns of the imperialists. Locusts of disease and famine. Purveyors of homosexuality.

Bigfeet: What? The Red Cross? I’m not sure I follow. I know that you have said in the past that there was no homosexuality in Zimbabwe before colonialism, but come on…the Red Cross?

Mugabe: I said it then and I stand by it now. Colonialism introduced the African to homosexuality.

Bigfeet: So, you mean to tell me that there wasn’t even one homosexual in the history of Africa before the colonialists set sail?

Mugabe: Not a one.

Bigfeet: Wow. That is completely insane. Anyway, back to these reports that I want to read to you. On June 27, the BBC reported that the MDC claims that “86 of its supporters have been killed and 200,000 forced from their homes by militias loyal to ZANU-PF.” In response, Mr. Tsvingirai pulled out of the election and has gone into exile. As it stands, you will win the election as the lone candidate, the only option for the people of Zimbabwe. The New York Times reported that villagers were being forced to chant pro-ZANU-PF slogans. They were then rounded up and taken to the polls to cast ballots for you – the only candidate running for election. Those that would not comply faced beatings and, in some cases, worse. It is also being reported that militias loyal to your presidency are demanding that villagers show them ink-covered fingers, indicating that they have voted. Your legacy is one of barbarism, corruption, and …

Mugabe: Now wait just a minute…

Bigfeet: And these are only your most recent atrocities, Mr. Mugabe.

Mugabe: Bigfeet, Bigfeet, I must stop you. Do you realize who ruled Zimbabwe before me, before the ZANU-PF? The colonialists. The white man. They weren’t even Africans. The ZANU-PF, like the ANC in South Africa, the party of Mandela, is the party of liberation, the party that gave the people of Zimbabwe its first taste of freedom after so many years of imperialistic oppression. Don’t you see?

Bigfeet: Mikhail Bukunin once wrote, “[T]he people will feel no better if the stick with which they are being beaten is labeled ‘the people’s stick.’”

Mugabe: I’m not sure I follow. Bigfeet, have you ever heard the story of the Dolphin Fish? My story of the Dolphin Fish.

Bigfeet: No.

Mugabe: I think this will clear some things up. When I was just a young boy. Before I became a man I was laying in a hammock eating some turds. I must have passed out or unintentionally poisoned myself, I really can’t say. Well, while I was out or whatever you want to call it, I had the most vivid dream I’ve ever experienced. It was more vivid than life. I could see all of the colors.

Bigfeet: I don’t mean to interrupt, but two questions. First, what does that mean, “I could see all of the colors?” Can you not normally see all of the colors? I guess I don’t understand. And second, did you say you were eating turds?

Mugabe: After I answer these two questions, I want you to allow me to finish my story. Afterwards, you can ask all the questions you want. I doubt you will have any, though, as I feel confident this story will illuminate everything. As for your first question, I don’t understand what I said – because I can see all of the colors of the spectrum normally, and I’m sure that I did not somehow see new colors during the dream-slash-poison sequence. And, as to your second question, yes. Most of my friends shunned me for doing so, but I guess I couldn’t help myself.

Bigfeet: Wow.

Mugabe: Anyway, back to the story. So I’m out cold or dazed or poisoned or what have you, and I have this crazy dream. Like I said, I could see all of the colors, very vividly. I was in some sort of desert forest inside what I think may have been a spaceship. At first I could only see it in the distance, but there it was, tiny at first, the top of a pyramid. I knew I had to get to the pyramid, to climb to the top. It was a feeling I had, a feeling I felt in my loins region. While I’m walking in the desert forest, though, these old people keep coming up to me asking for directions and food and stuff, and I’m like, “Hold on, people, I’ve got to get my ass to that big pyramid.” And they just keep calling out to me saying things like, “Hey, Robert, why don’t you give me a big handful of food to eat.” They’re starting to get on my last nerve, so I kill a few of them, which seems to make them realize that I really do have to get to the pyramid. But when I get closer to the pyramid, it dawns on me, and I start to realize that I am the pyramid and I’m already there. You know, one of those “it is I” moments. So, instead of spending my time traveling to where I am, I just jump in the big water tank and make love to the dolphin fish. I think it may have peed in my mouth, but I have since realized it was just a light beam it was shooting at me. I think that the dolphin fish uses its light beam to tell if someone has good in their heart. After we got done, I could tell that it had answers to a whole bunch of questions, so I tried to ask it questions, but it told me that it could only transmit the truth to me underwater. We go back under water, and I’m starting to get all weirded out because I’m starting to wonder if the dolphin fish is a boy or a girl. Finally, I realize that a fish isn’t a boy or a girl, so I realize that it doesn’t matter, and that it’s OK that I made love on it. Anyway, d-fish tells me that I’m going to do great things and have great responsibility one day and that the fate of a nation will rest on my shoulders. D-fish also tells me that it is the will of the people that I lead them out of bondage. Then, D-fish tells me that it is pregnant with our child. And, Bigfeet, do you know who that child became?

Bigfeet: OK, well, I think that is all the time we have. Mr. Mugabe, it has been really fun. Thanks for your time.

Mugabe: I think you know you that child is.

Bigfeet: I don’t think I do. Thanks again, President Mugabe.

Mugabe: Thank you, son, and, by son, I mean Zimbabwe.

Bigfeet: I know that it’s pointless for me to ask you this, but are you saying that I am your son? Or that I am Zimbabwe? Or that I am your son, Zimbabwe? Or that Zimbabwe was the offspring of your affair with the dolphin fish and your reference to me as your son was merely some sort of red herring?

Mugabe: You tell me, Bigfeet…you tell me.

Bigfeet: No, you know what, Mr. Mugabe? I’m not going to tell you anything. That story didn’t make any sense. And it was horrible. You’re a big-time idiot. This interview is over.

Mugabe: I thought you were supposed to ask me some questions about the NBA Draft.

Bigfeet: Well, yeah, but I can just make something up. The web site this interview is for has a lot of sports content. Most of it is crap, but I think they want me to somehow make this interview fit within the parameters of their blog.

Mugabe: I watched the draft.

Bigfeet: Really, during your run-off election? Well, what did you think?

Mugabe: A few things. First, how does Chris Douglas-Roberts not get picked until the second round?

Bigfeet: Preaching to the choir there.

Mugabe: And Gary Forbes doesn’t get picked at all, but Patrick Ewing, Jr.’s name gets called. There is no justice.

Bigfeet: You said it, Mugabe.

Mugabe: I’ll tell you who is thanking their lucky stars that Pat Ewing got picked – Joe Crawford. Because otherwise, he’s the head scratcher of the night. I mean did you see that guy play at Kentucky. Stevie Wonder has more court vision. Canaan Banana has a higher basketball I.Q.

Bigfeet: I’ve never been high on Doctor Professor, either.

Mugabe: Doctor Professor?

Bigfeet: Yeah, that’s what I call Joe Crawford, because he’s such a stupid basketball player. Get it? I know, it’s kind of a silly nickname.

Mugabe: No, no, I get it. That’s good. You’re being ironical. I like it. I might use it, if you don’t mind.

Bigfeet: No, not at all. Well, any other thoughts from the draft?

Mugabe: I think Kevin Love is a winner. Obviously, as a white man, he is the devil, but I’m pretty sure he adds ten wins to any team he’s on.

Bigfeet: Couldn’t agree more – about the wins, not about the whole all white people are devils thing.

Mugabe: And I love the Lopez twins.

Bigfeet: Same here. I have to say that I was feeling really bad for Darrell Arthur.

Mugabe: Me, too, but, when you think about it, it doesn’t matter that much. He got picked in the first round, so he’s got a guaranteed contract.

Bigfeet: True. Listen, Mugabe. You really know your hoops. I hate your politics, what with the whole bulldozing of the slums and exacerbating an already out-of-control refugee crisis in sub-Saharan Africa, but I’ll talk roundball with you any day of the week.

Mugabe: I’m going to take you up on that. Don’t think for a second that I won’t. One more thing, if he ever gets his head on straight, J.R. Giddens could be the steal of the draft, but that’s a big “if.”

Bigfeet: You’re a big “if.”

Mugabe: And how.

NBA Draft Diary!

2008-06-26T23:26:00.002-04:00

Seems like a good night to do an NBA Draft Diary. Leonard, Natty, and I collaborated on this, and Thelonius functioned as our muse, so if it ends out shitty, blame Thelonius for not musing good.

Derrick Rose goes first to the Bulls, so he should be getting lots of calls from all his high school buddies who aren’t millionaires.

Beasley goes to Miami, which makes Pat Riley a liar. Pat kept indicating he wouldn’t take Beasley with the second pick. All these years of Pat being honest, like when he honestly told everyone that Stan Van Gundy was resigning midseason so he could spend more time with his family.

O.J. Mayo just got drafted third by the T-Wolves, but he sent Farnsworth Bentley as his proxy to shake hands with David Stern.

Russell Westbrook was the third best player on his college team but now he’s the fourth pick in the draft. We are bemused by this choice. Brook Lopez was a lock for this pick ever since he declared. There’s nothing the Sonics have enjoyed more over the last five years than spending a top ten pick on a big man (Johan Petro, Saer Sane, Nick Collison, Robert Swift).

The fifth pick was Kevin Love, which is great…like his chin strap.

D’Antoni takes an Italian with the sixth pick, because he’s a racist. I don’t know what her name is. Donnie Walsh justified the pick by saying the Italian is an “unusual package.” We all know there’s nothing more appealing to Donnie Walsh than unusual packages. They showed a team photo from when Gallinari’s dad and D’Antoni played on the same team, and it looked like it was from last season. Gallinari was greeted with merciless booing by the Knicks’ fans…this would have been an amazing opportunity for him to go Ivan Drago and exclaim in Italian, “I play for me! For me!!”

At seven, Eric Gordon and his big baby face.

Joe Alexander to the Bucks? After the Dick Jefferson trade? That make no sense? They did show four West Virginia fans who were cheering their asses off, and someone was holding a “Joe Alexander…Vanilla Sky” poster. Seriously.

Why in the hell did the Bobcats pass on Brook Lopez? Bunch of crap. I like D.J. Augustin, but why go with Augustin when you have Ray Felton and need a center.

Pick of the night. Brook Lopez. The golden age of professional basketball begins. Seriously.

Pacers take Skip Bayless’s son, but the kid didn’t even pick a fight with Steven A. Smith. Guess the apple fell a ways away from the tree.

The Kings made the safe pick and took Jason Thompson from Rider. Rider has long been known as a Basketball powerhouse and their guys always do well at the next level.

Blazers take Brandon Rush. Outstanding. He has the whole package: perimeter shooting, defense, rebounding, and a nice fade. We also have it on good authority that his grandmother volunteers at the Kansas City VA Hospital. Leonard wishes he was Brandon’s grandmother. The Blazers are becoming my favorite team. They just need a little more at point guard and they can contend for a title. I hear Ray Felton and Kirk Hinrich might be available.

*Oooh, a juicy little trade: Looks like Rush could be heading to Indy in exchange for Bayless. I’m not a big Bayless guy, but I think this could really work out well. This is similar to when the Cavs drafted Daniel Gibson, except Bayless is more talented than Gibson. Portland basically runs its offense through Brandon Roy, and Bayless gets to effectively play two guard, but he can defend the other team’s point guard, so that he won’t be an undersized defensive liability. Now Portland’s starting lineup figures to be Bayless, Roy, Travis Outlaw (who had a very solid season last year), LaMarcus Aldridge, and Greg Oden. Roy and Aldridge are both good for twenty plus a night, and that’s going to leave Oden, Bayless, and Aldridge plenty of room to operate. And I think that makes Roy the oldest starter at around 25 (“around” means I don’t have seven seconds to look up his actual age).

Golden State takes Brandan Wright’s twin brother, Anthony Randolph. Stu Scott says, “They go big and they go young.” That’s our best “that’s what she said” moment of the night. Jay Bilas just added that last season some bigger guys in the SEC really got into Anthony’s body. Apparently his freshman year hazing was worse than most.

Robin Lopez to the Suns. He looks like he’s making fun of himself wearing that hat over his big goofy mop. The Lopez twins are going to have a Disney movie marathon to celebrate tonight. He’s being brought in because Amare plays no defense. When was the last time a team drafted a white guy for defensive purposes to compensate for their super-athletic black guy at that position? Steven A. Smith called him bold, as opposed to Brook, who is smooth, and has no after taste.

Sixers are up, this is always good for a laugh….they played it safe and take Marreese Speights. Basically the question on him is if he’s too lazy. Luckily, when you give lazy guys lots of money, then tend to work harder. We’re also worried that nobody is going to be able to tell Speights and Sam Dalembert apart. Speaking of Big Sam, Natty just pointed out that he’s from Haiti, thus the nickname, Papa Doc Dalembert (we concede that’s politically incorrect, because Papa Doc was a butcher and everything). And props to Natty for the highest brow joke of the evening, collaborating with this guy is like creating a draft diary with one of the writers from “Frasier.”

Toronto has the seventeenth pick and uses it on Roy Hibbert. Roy would have been a top five pick last season. This pick should go to Indiana, which gives them Bayless and Hibbert…not a bad upgrade. Roy wasn’t there because he’s working on his booger collection. Stu Scott keeps the hits coming by saying they used to call Roy, “The Big Stiff.” A creative and informative nickname, thanks Stu! Seriously, I think I’m a lazy eye away from being eligible to host the NBA Draft. The big news in this trade is that it means Maceo Baston is still in the league.

Seventeen picks seems like a good stopping point. We don’t want to contradict our traditionally half-ass approach to this blog.

Gotta say that Chris Douglas-Roberts slipping into the second round is the biggest head scratcher of the night. Especially when the Bulls had the chance to add him to go alongside his college teammate, Derrick Rose, but went with Sonny Weems. Weems is a nice prospect but I can’t imagine anyone watching both of those guys last season and deciding that Weems is a better prospect. The Bulls continue to amaze with their complete abhorrence of finding a scorer. I guess they’re really banking on Rose being the second coming of Jason Kidd. Way to put all your eggs into one basket, that usually works out in team sports.
The Kings easily had the worst draft. They took a kid from Rider in the first round, Sean Singletary (who is less than six feet tall), and Patrick Ewing, Jr. Ewing’s accolades include being a fifth year senior who didn’t start on a team that lost to Davidson in the NCAA tournament.
If you're like me, sometimes you wonder why the Sonics aren't good. Well let's exclude Durant and take a look at who they've used their first pick on for like the last fifteen years: Russell Westbrook, Saer Sane, Johan Petro, Robert Swift, Nick Collison, Peter Fehse, Vlad Radmanovic, Desmond Mason, Corey Maggette (who never played there), Vlad Stepania, Bobby Jackson, Joseph Blair, Sherell Ford, Carlos Rogers, and the other Ervin Johnson. Out of all those guys, Bobby Jackson and Carlos Rogers were the only ones who were definitely the best player on their college teams (and Carlos Rogers played for Tennessee State).
Love the Mayo for Love trade for both teams. Maybe the Wolves won't be athletic enough on defense, but Al Jefferson and Kevin Love are going to be extremely difficult to guard. Mike Miller also gives Minny some extra shooting and whiteness. Memphis secured what should be its back court of the future with Conley and Mayo.

The Game That Made Us Men (Almost)

2008-06-20T10:22:00.006-04:00

Editor's Note: Though all of my sociological, psychological, biological, and anthropological knowledge stems from watching Seinfeld this post will delve into the masculinity underpinnings of college male behavior in most likely a completely illogical manner. Though my knowledge of a subject is limited, I promise the readers of this blog I WON'T NOT PRETEND TO KNOW ANY(EVERY)THING ABOUT A TOPIC SOMEWHAT RELEVANT TO A STORY. Remember a double negative cancels itself out.

. . .College males are one of two things: they are either 1) naive, or 2) an asshole. None of my friends were naive. The only exception was The Puppet Master, he was both naive and an asshole, but his story is for another time. It's been difficult for me, now 24 and often thinking back to the days of college, to fully understand why college males behave the way they do, characterized best as narcissistic assholes. It has a lot to do with the combination of newfound freedom, immature young adults living together, sexual exploration, (some more than others - specifically, Once-Balding Itallion and the midget, or was it a dwarf, I'm not really sure how to tell them apart) and older guys showing us. These factors, with more, explain the alcohol, drug, and sex culture found at so many universities, but I don't see them as necessarily explaining the narcissistic asshole.

It was the weekend before our last regular season game and we already had a place locked up in the playoffs so the importance of this game was minimized. Though, we were still excited about the possibility of an undefeated season, we were also facing one of the best teams in the league and needed to assert a dominant presence over them in case we met again in the playoffs. Two friends from highschool, Whaleface and Long-Term Boyfriend, came into town on Saturday to watch The Greying Writer in a school play. We went out to grab some pizza and reclaim our masculinity after watching The Greying Writer prance around stage for two hours. Though we were glad our old chums made the trip, we informed them that not a lot of activity was going on at campus because the previous night had hosted a large party in which a lot of people made a lot of mistakes and were now deciding to stay in and reevaluate things. Whaleface and Long-Term Boyfriend suggested we all make the trip back to Louisville for a big party. It sounded like a good idea, and we had yet to visit their place. We paid the bill, tipped 8%, and returned to the dorms. We called The Athlete who immediately joined the trip. Several months prior to this he and his highschool fiancee had broken up. The previous night, Friday, he met a girl from Louisville, in for the party, and they engaged in dorm floor making out and then crashed on The Greying Writer and I's couch. It was a good site to see for a friend and we all wanted to give him the chance for a quick reunion. He called the girl, but couldn't remember her name, and set up a meeting time and place in Louisville. We loaded up the two cars with beer and yagermeister, better known as the "FreshmanYearLet'sDestroyThings Mix." We had one more friend to call before our way out who was always up for a good time, The Baseball Player.

The Baseball Player was the first of us to get a legitimate college girlfriend and they had been dating for several months prior to this weekend. He was spending the evening with her in the dorm room for a romantic night in. He brought over some movies and she bought a large Dontoe's pizza. They dimmed the lights, put on a chic flic, and held each other on the futon. This all began because she had been upset with him for a few weeks because he was spending less and less time with her and she had even said to some friends around campus, "If he just thinks he can come over at night, get a handjob and leave, he's got another thing coming." Yep, you guessed it - she was a feminist.

There have been three waves of feminism in our relevant history. The first wave began the 20th century and resulted in women's suffrage. It was a really disappointing time for feminists after struggling so long for political rights to only end up in a state of suffrage. Luckily, there were sympathetic congressmen in office at the time who didn't think it was right for women to have worked so hard and still be in suffrage, and as a result decided to give women one significant right - the right to vote. The second wave came in the 1960's and focused primarily on discrimination of women. They saw the cultural view of women inextricably linked to the political rights of women. The third wave began in the 1990's and focused on the juxtoposition with males. It sought to define the woman by comparing and contrasting females and men. Gay rights and debates on sexuality of men and women emerged and the traditional ideas of men and women began to fade. As you can see I'm a huge fan of feminism, evidenced by this extensive reasearch through a great site called wikipedia.

Back to topic, the more I have thought about the role of feminism in our culture, the more I see it as linked to the narcissist asshole emerging in the college male. College, for most men I think, becomes one of the first settings where we experience an entire culture of strong, independent woman who are no longer defined by the males in society. It's not scary for us, but I think as a response we attempt to assert our masculinity in this environment. This is seen through the forms of beer drinking as a competition, many drunken fights, seeing sex as a conquest, bragging about drinking, partying and sex. It's quite juvenile, immature, and quite surreal when looking back after the experience, but it's fun and is a defining moment in the journey to adulthood. With that said, we are still assholes for at least a couple years, if not more.

So we decide to call up to The Baseball Player, ten minutes after he has left to spend the night with his girlfriend, without any regard for his need to patch things up with his girlfriend and his intense hatred of having to miss a good time with the guys. We are literally sitting in the cars outside of the front door of the girls' dormatory. I make the call:

Me: [name redacted] what are you doing?
The Baseball Player: Watching a movie, just got some Donatoe's.
Me: We are on our way to Louisville for a big party. You want to come? We are sitting outside.
The Baseball Player: On man, I just got up here.
Background: What? Who is that? [name redacted]?
The Baseball Player: Who's going? Is this a big party?
Me: Me, The Greying Writer, Whaleface, The Athlete, Long-Term Boyfriend. Yeah, real big.
The Baseball Player: Hold one one second.
Background: [inaudible conversation lasting 10 seconds]
The Baseball Player: I'm in. You guys got beer?
Me: Yeah and yager.
The Baseball Player: Fuck yea. Hold on one more second.
Background: [inaudible conversation for three seconds]
The Baseball Player: You guys want some pizza for the rode?
Me: Fuck yeahs, we are right downstairs.

As I tell the guys the story we all begin laughing, but it's when see The Baseball Player, running out of the dorm with a beer and a pizza box in hand, that we absolutely lose it. He hops in and we take off to Louisville. Asshole . . . yes. One of the funniest things I saw in college . . . yes. We were men, drinking the night away with little regard for others.

The following Wednesday we began the game in front of a raucous fraternity crowd cheering on their brothers against the undefeated team. We built a 7 point lead and were never really challenged much throughout the game. Most significantly though, during the second half The Insane Fifth-Year Senior was hounding the point guard in a man to man full court press. The point guard got upset and when he had to pick up his dribble he pushed The Insane Fifth-Year Senior. We all knew this was not something he should have done. The Insane Fifth-Year Senior snatched the ball from his hands and threw it at his face. They pushed and got nose to nose in a battle of whose masculinity would hold up longest. The fraternity on the sidelines came onto the court and their biggest player intervened. We all rushed to the center of the court where the altercation occurred and began pushing and pulling, all the while talking more shit than a Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson movie (Don't forget about Money Train). Everything settled down, because no one really wanted to get sucker punched in the face a la Carmelo Anthony, Jermaine O'Neal, and Kermit Washington. We won the game, but most of us were much more pleased with the effort displayed during the altercation. The narcissist asshole persona is useful in sports and would be useful in the playoffs. Luckily for 11 college males it wasn't hard to channel.

The party in Louisville wasn't much fun and we all became pretty bored by 1 am. We headed back to the dorms and continued to get plastered while watching Martin Lawrence's You So Crazy standup. The Athlete climbed in through a window at about 5 in the morning after a horrible night where the girl's car broke down, was pulled over by the cops, and without the effect of as much liquor, had a much harder time "connecting" with her. The Baseball Player and his girlfriend did not last much longer and he pursued other endeavors that led to much better sexual stories shared over drinks in the dorm room.

We have all grown up a lot since graduating college, and though by no means are accomplished adults, we have a better sense of understanding and can put our actions from those years into perspective. But at the time we had just finished an undefeated regular season, were considered the best team entering the playoffs, and had large amounts of alcohol to consume and girls to fondle.

All Aboard the Joe Alexander Bandwagon

2008-06-04T11:13:00.002-04:00

If you haven't seen Joe Alexander's combine numbers let me put them into comparison for you. He recorded the second fastest 3/4 court sprint at 2.99 seconds. He was the second strongest guy in benchpress (185 lbs - 24 times). He had the seventh highest vertical jump at 38.5 inches.

Sonny Weems was the only guy faster than Joe Alexander at 2.98 seconds. Josh Duncan was the only one stronger at 26 reps. Patrick Ewing Jr., Eric Gordon, OJ Mayo, Deron Washington, Derrick Rose, and Mike Taylor were the only guys who jumped higher.

Sidebar: Patrick Ewing Jr. had the highest vert at 42 inches, but he only benchpressed 185lbs two times. OJ Mayo was second with 41 inches. Derrick Rose and Eric Gordon both had a 40 inch vertical.

Finally Joe Alexander measured in at 6'8 with a 7'0 wingspan. He weighs 220 and will be able to add 15 lbs of muscle before the season begins. If this guy isn't a top ten pick some scouts will be fired by next summer.

The Game Where I Could Get Off at Any Time

2008-06-03T13:12:00.004-04:00

. . .Before every big game there is an excitement that seems to build all around you, in everything you do for the entire day. It was the third week of the season and we were facing what many considered to be the other top team in the league. They were the good ole' boy fraternity and had a lot of ex-highschool, and a few ex-college athletes as members. In this case, good ole' boy means somewhat racist.

For the past few weeks my romantic life had grown stagnant. In this case, romantic life means getting piss drunk and trying to bring girls back to my dorm room. I had been striking out Friday and Saturday nights on a consistent basis. In this case, striking out means either passing out with mad mushroom cheesesticks in my mouth or taking home the most-tolerable looking girl left at the end of the night. Tack that on wich my less than inspring play so far and a guy's confidence starts to fail him.

It was a Wednesday morning and I was sitting in Introduction to Political Science with Dr. Halfbeard. We were discussing the vicious circle effect in American politics. Apathy begets non-involvement in government which begets less interest in government which begets mistrust of government, etc., etc. eventually creating a viscious circle downward until something extraordinary breaks the cycle. (Sidebar: Barack the vote!). I was able to find this on the internet (just read italics if you want): http//www.stcsig.org/sn/PDF/Voss_rita_vicious_circle.pdf

I began to realize the same was happening to me and a few of my friends. It could be my own self-destructive pattern of drinking begetting hall parties which beget drunkingly hitting on girls which beget striking out which beget a loss in confidence which beget more drinking.

It could be Once-Balding Italian's consumption of two forties begetting a hall pary begetting his full-bodied girlfriend breaking up with him begetting him calling girls fat asses begetting a general disdain for his company throughout most of campus begetting more forties.

It could even be seen with The Greying Writer's not washing his sheets all year begetting a horrible infection in his eye begetting long trips to the doctors begetting expensive medicine begetting less time in the day begetting unreturned public library cd's and Mr. Tuxedo rental tuxes, and not washing his sheets.

It's easy to fall into a destructive pattern during college. It is often the reason you see 250 pound Seniors who could once run 6 minute miles as freshman.

We had the middle game of the night, which meant the largest crowd of around 15 people. But it also meant we would be missing The Greying Writer to play practice because it didn't end until close to the beginning of the third game. With everything else going on I hadn't prepared well enough for the game and didn't feel ready when the ball was tossed. Four minutes in the first half went by without anybody on our team being able to put the ball in the basket. Everyone was playing tight. The Good Ole' Boys got out to a quick eight point lead and The Baseball Player called a quick timeout. He took Slow-Release and Long-Armed Hippie out of the game and with that I became one of the only shooters on the floor. On our first offensive set I ran my man off a screen and popped out for a 14 foot baseline jumper. A few plays later I got some daylight at the top of the key from a screen and knocked down a three. On the next possession I cut through the lane and got a great feed from V-Neck that I was able to put in with my right hand. Our opponents called a timeout and our bench rushed the court to encourage the lineup on the floor. Slow-Release pulled me to the side and said in my ear,

"You're carrying us and you're going to have to keep on carrying us." It was the single greatest moment of my life. I had never carried a basketball team before. But I liked the feeling. I finished the first half with 16 points and felt something like this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=I87edutABG8&feature=related. We had a 5 point lead after the first half and extended it to nine by game's end. Everyone else got going in the second half and I only added 5 points to the total. Most importantly, we got a great win against a really good team. Other than that, I was able to break out of a shooting slump. I could only think this confidence would permeate throughout the rest of my social endeavors.

After the rah, rah, rah's I returned to the dorms. As I approached our dorm room I began to hear subtle female moans. I listened through the door and could distinctly pick up a female's voice. Had my individual performance caught the eye of a young impressionable female who was awaiting my return? I opened the door, but it was The Greying Writer, returned early from play practice and watching Latino Lesbian Amateurs.

The Game That Kick-Started the Season

2008-05-30T15:22:00.003-04:00

. . .Once-Balding Italian's roommate, our other neighbor, Buttercream had recently lost his virginity during first semester. Understandably, he was proud of this milestone. We called him Buttercream because his initials were B.C., the same initials used to denote the 'butter cream' at a local bakery The Greying Writer had worked at for a period of time in the fall. For undisclosed reasons he was fired before Christmas. He began calling him Buttercream and the rest of us followed suit, mostly because The Greying Writer had a way of pushing people's buttons for the amusement of others. But Buttercream enjoyed the name after a while, and sadly it has become one of the more sensible nicknames any of us have once had.

Buttercream had also recently activated into his fraternity and was unable to play on our intramural basketball team. He learned a handshake and a couple of songs about drinking beer in the process. This they felt would lead to being drunk and sleeping with loads of women. I preferred to skip the middle step and go right to the drinking and trying to sleep with loads of woman. To save any suspense, I failed on the latter. Buttercream was enjoying his freshman year, and when not playing baseball, was attending different fraternity functions. He would take different girls on weekend getaways with the fraternity and then return on Monday to tell us of upon the sexual escapades he had embarked. Apparently these fraternities were on to something with weekend getaways.

It was the second week of the season and we had added two new guys onto the team. The Long-Armed Hippie was an extremely talented player, and competed with Slow-Release each night for top player honors. He was extremely long, a great shooter from anywhere on the court, a decent ball handler, good passer, and great defender. He had recently deactivated from his fraternity. Mute Bruce Bowen was a good friend of Slow Release and a cousin of Metrosexual Cowboy. He never spoke, and only shot threes from the corners. However, that's where the comparison to Bruce Bowen ends because he played shit defense. Metrosexual Cowboy was just about my least favorite person on the planet during that time. He played little, shot too much, and spray-tanned twice a day. His own stories are left for another time and place.

We were playing an athletic fraternity team without much basketball experience. It would be a different test for us, but a chance to play more organized basketball and work on our half-court defense and zone offense. I'm not an advocate of any zone in any pick-up basketball game, but I have to admit that it's a smart move in a C-League game because the chances that we shoot well from behind the arc is slim. The Baseball Player and The Athlete noticed the zone right away and called a timeout to get us set up in a zone offense. It consists of three guys quickly moving the ball around the perimeter with one guy running baseline and another cutting to the elbow of the lane. We ran it effectively, but still had to settle for looks from three. Luckily, V-Neck, Mute Bruce Bowen, Long-Armed Hippie, and myself were able to knock down some open looks and give us a comfortable 20 point lead to maintain throught the game. I only contributed 6 points, but it felt good to feel like my shot was starting to drop and I felt more comfortable in the course of the game. Any of our misses were cleaned up by The Insane Fifth-Year Senior and Faceman. It was a dominating performance, against a good group of athletic guys. It gave us the confidence we needed to carry into next week's battle against one of the best teams in the league. But for the time being we celebrated our win back at the dorms.

Buttercream convinced me to throw in a dip while we played some video games and drank a few beers in his room. After hearing of his sexual explorations through heavily trampled area over the weekend, I did the usual, and began trying to convince him he had either 1) gotten someone pregnant and would have to drop out of school to support the child, or 2) had contracted an STD and would be rotting in two months. After a while, he visibly seemed nervous, and it was satisfaction to know he would have trouble sleeping that night after laughing his ass off at the agony I was in after dipping.

But no matter what I said had had gotten off to a great start in college. Only in terms of sleeping with promiscuous woman whom he barely knew, but it was still a good start. Likewise we had handedly beaten a team that could have given us a much better game. We also felt like we were off to a good start.

The Game That Told Us Nothing About Ourselves as a Team

2008-05-29T15:08:00.004-04:00

. . .We began our first game of the season in a full court press. It took less than three minutes into the first half for us to build a 15 point lead. We were playing one of the worst teams in the league. We knew it and they knew it.

Earlier that day The Greying Writer, The Baseball Player and I were sitting in our Cultural Anthropology class. It filled a humanities requirement and the teacher was full-bodied in all the right ways. Otherwise, I didn't really see the point in cultural anthropology. In 20 years it will be similar to taking a Cartography class. It was the beginning of winter, and thus much easier for 18-year old freshman to pay attention in class. Most figures are hidden beneath a deep layer of hooded sweatshirts and Northface fleeces. Extremely full-bodied girls have an advantage in the winter because their figures are much more discernable underneath the sweatshirts and coats. Our teacher was no exception. She had no affect on The Greying Writer, his type is more likely to be found in a boys Calvin Klein ad. She kept my attention, and made the class more enjoyable, but I was thinking more about the game that night. The Baseball Player got the highest grade of his life in that class and broke the record for number of erections in a span of 75 minutes.

After class I met up with Faceman, The Phoenix, and The Puppet Master for a light workout and shoot-around. The Puppet Master spent the time like usual, starting at the top of the key, taking a couple dribbles with a spin move through the lane, and then slamming the ball off the backboard as hard as he could and then laughing. He cared little for preparation that day. The rest of us worked off the rust and all felt confident in our ability to knock down open jumpers later that night. The Puppet Master told me I was one-dimensional, purely a spot-up shooter. I took offense to the statement, but knew it to be mostly true. I decided to prove him wrong later that night.

We had run up a 20 point lead midway through the first half and had not set up a half court offense yet. At the urging of The Baseball Player we slowed down the tempo and decided to work on running an offense, something we thought would be useful against better competition. It wasn't fluid, and resulted in settling for a lot of contested three pointers. I botched my first couple of attempts, and was unable to get in the flow of the offense. I can usually tell when my shot isn't going to fall and will resort to staying along the baseline and set screens for guys who have a hot hand. Slow-Release, a sophomore, emerged as our best and most consistent scorer. He was a reliable three point shooter with an extremely slow release. He had a great shot fake and could slice through the lane and finish around the rim. Faceman and Insane Fifth Year Senior were stalwarts on defense. They both could guard four different players on the court and rebounded the ball without mercy. V-Neck a fellow freshman was also a talented inside scorer who rebounded extremely well. He often tried to shoot from the perimeter, but it was not his game, and after two or three more attempts than we would have liked he would start to dominate the post on offense. I found myself developing into the secondary ballhandler and one of the better entry-passers on the team. I wouldn't be putting up impressive statlines or taking any game winning shots.

We still ran when given the opportunities, and were often afforded them with high pressure on the ball handler. I got out into the open court after a steal and prepared myself for a controlled layup. It caused me to slow down and allow a reckless opponent to catch up and make the shot more difficult than it should have been. He jumped from behind and I shifted my body to draw contact but he avoided any significant disruption. His armes flailed at the ball and my arms, but I got the shot off into the bottom side of the rim. It shot back down at me and ricocheted out of bounds. Laughs poured in from the sidelines as we were all having fun at this point - up by over 40. I chuckled and tried to explain the misfire, but it was lost on deaf ears. It was the first gaffe in what I knew to be a long list of embarassing mistakes. But I knew there would also be more moments to prove my worth to the team, this was just not the game.

We finished with a 50 point victory and a well-enjoyed hour of entertainment. We all had a better understanding of each other's roles, but had no idea how they would fit together to form a team. After a shower and some food I opened the fridge with a bird on the front and pulled out a fifth of our favorite drink, and poured The Greying Writer and myself a shot. He too had not had his best game and we knew only the blood of deer would help us forget. The Once-Balding Italian, our neighbor, crept inside the room, sunk into the orange sectional couch, and started playing FIFA 2003. He had been with his full-bodied girlfriend for most of the night. I was jealous . . .

The Games That Told Us Where We Belonged

2008-05-28T14:32:00.006-04:00

The following series of posts will chronicle my first season of intramural basketball at Transylvania University. The stories are true, though may be chronilogically out of order due to the lapse of time. They are done in the style of and as an homage to one of my favorite McSweeneys' contributors.

. . . I was drinking a lot. But most of us where. The winter semester had just started up and most of us were finding it easier to get back in the groove with beers, rather than books, in our hands. Most week nights the campus gym would be filled with a different assortment of pick-up basketball players each vying for a chance to prove they belonged on their respective courts. My friends and I were eager as well. We were freshman and wanted to see how we stacked up against the older competition.

The sudden drop in temperature and shortened daylight hours are a welcomed time of the year for any basketball fan or pale person. Each player has the chance to live out their delusions of grandeur on the court. This would be the first winter season I could focus my athletic attention solely on basketball.

I joined some friends one early January night to play pick-up ball before the Intramural teams were established for the upcoming season. I was joined by The Athlete, The Puppet Master, The Phoenix, The Baseball Player, The Roommate, and Faceman. We found ourselves in a game soon enough, as The Phoenix, The Puppet Master, and were already Juniors and established in the pick-up circuit.

The Athlete was a good friend from highschool who had been better than me at any athletic endeavor we undertook. I secretly loathed him for this, but also enjoyed having such an athletic and loyal friend. He played for the school basketball team, thus ineligible for the intramural season. The Baseball Player was the second best basketball player within our group of friends and also an incredible athlete. He was from Cincinatti, land of the overbearing douchebags. However, he was more reserved, often quiet and unselfish to a fault. He was a dear friend, and I looked forward to playing with him for years to come. The Puppet Master was just below The Athlete and The Baseball Player in terms of skill level, having played a significant amount of organized basketball in highschool. He was a talented offensive player, often evoking highlights of Pearl Monroe when he spun his way to the basket. The Roommate lived with The Puppet Master and was one of the biggest guys in school. He stood about 6'5" with a long wingspan and v-shaped torso. He had large calves and would have been quiet an athlete if not for his timid nature and often clumsiness on offense. The Phoenix was a pure three point shooter. He was a good ball handler and would knock down open shots. Faceman was a do-it-all kind of player, working hard on defense to come up with big stops and get big steals. He was able to bang bodies with bigger guys in the lane and collect offensive rebounds and score easily on put-backs. He was shorter, but very muscular.

These first few pick-up games established three things: 1. The Baseball Player was on the A-League team and most likely its best player. The Puppet Master and The Roommate were perennail A-leaguers and would reclaim their spots on that team. 2. The Phoenix, Faceman, and myself would be playing C-League. 3. Our friend who could not play, The Greying Writer, would also be playing C-League.

Four fraternities and the Independents compete in intramural sports. Basketball is divided into three leagues, A, B, and C. Each fraternity and the group of independents put one team together for the A and B Leagues. A-League usually consists of ex-college basketball players or really talented high school players. There wasn't much drop off to B-League in certain years, and consisted of either high-school players or just talented athletes. C-League was where I would be playing, along with most of my friends. C-League included guys who played basketball recreationally growing up, but were never good enough to play for really competitive teams. Each organization could enter as many teams as it wanted into C-League which created a large range of talent between the top team and the bottom team. We were placed on what was thought to be the most highly talented Independent team, which would compete for a championship that year. I was excited, as I think we all were. We were playing with friends and being coached by The Baseball Player, The Puppet Master, and The Athlete.

I returned to the dorms later that night and found my roommate, The Greying Writer. He was likely eating hummas or rotten cheese, but my memory fails me. His schedule was filling up with a part-time job and a lead role in an upcoming spring play. I worried that his focus would not be on the upcoming season, but decided, so too with my legs, it was better left to rest. I had an hour or two of homework left to do that night. Our couch looked comfortable. Video games also sounded pretty good. Laughing from outside, in the hall, interrupted my thoughts. I went to the hallway and found a small, overweight, shirtless Jew classmate. He was drunk and dancing to Tupac's "California Love" while swinging his rugby polo over his head in a lassoeing motion. I called The Puppet Master on his dorm room telephone to describe the events. He wouldn't have it. He sprinted across campus to witness it himself. Watching the demise of any hope this boy could have for a normal college life, I began to think about the beginning of mine. Our new college friends had all returned to campus and we were anxios to spend the year as established friends, rather than the previous semester of becoming friends. I watched the face of The Puppet Master light up like a boy who had just seen a new bicycle left under the tree by Santa Clause and I thought to myself - This is going to be a great semester.

NBA Mock Draft: If Common Sense Came Into Play

2008-05-23T09:05:00.003-04:00

The Lottery:
1. Chicago Bulls - Michael Beasley, Kansas State

I guess the only real debate on the number one pick is whether Beasley or Derrick Rose is a better fit for Chicago. I go with Beasley here for several, not surprising, reasons. First, Beasley has size at 6'10", but he can also play small forward and would be a horrible matchup for most other small forwards in the league. He would consistently destroy gimmick guys like James Posey assigned to guard him. The Bulls have enough pure shooters to free up plenty of space for Beasley to operate either posting a smaller guy up or taking a bigger guy to the basket. Second, the Bulls also lack any kind of inside scoring threat. This would only compliment Noah and Thomas who thrived in college with a legitimate low-post scorer working the other block. They would lead the league in putback dunks after Beasley was double teamed and was strong enough to get a shot off. Third, Rose is good and is going to be great, but how can you pass on a guy that was as productive as Kevin Durant in his freshman year, is surely a better rebounder, and has a more NBA ready body? By the way don't the Bulls have a young guard, Jay Williams, who should be returning from injury shortly?

2. Miami Heat - Derrick Rose, John Calipari's School-of-Hard-Knock's

Even though, as most of you know, I've been a White Lightning, White Thunder, White Chocolate, or whatever his name is, fan for a long time. Jason Williams made it cool to sleep with black girls again. But I think Derrick Rose has to be the second pick here. There has been some talk that the Heat are very interested in OJ Mayo and his now limited entourage. Wade and Mayo would be a great backcourt to watch develop, but they would turn the ball over a lot. Derrick Rose might be the most gifted athlete in the draft. He showed his maturation throughout last season and became a much more gifted point guard than when he entered college. He has shown flashes of Monta Ellis on offense, but has a more complete game given his passing skills. I think he could turn into a nightmare defender for any opposing point guard.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves - Brooke Lopez, Stanford

Luckily, the Timberwolves are so awful they really can't make bad choice here. To me, the pick is either Lopez or Mayo. They need a dependable scorer in the backcourt to work with Foye and Jaric, but I think they would also like to move Al Jefferson to his natural position at the four. Brooke Lopez doesn't immediately make this at .500 team, but is the right pick for the future. Next year, you go for a prolific scorer, and hope Corey Brewer develops into Tayshaun Prince. Then you are setting yourselves up to look like a next-generation Pistons. No too much would be asked of Lopez his rookie year, just rebound and play good defense against the opposing teams best low post player. This lets Jefferson rest his ugly ass on defense, and focus more on becoming a consistent 25 and 10 guy. If Mayo comes in here he is probably pissed he's in Minnesota, tries to do too much, and eventually leaves for a bigger market.

4. OK City Supersonics - OJ Mayo, BDA

I think this is the most logical pick at number four because the Sonics need another backcourt scorer to take the pressure off of Kevin Durant. Mayo has all the skills to play point guard in this league, and provides some highlight reel excitement for a club desperately needing to put some fans in the seats. Mayo is also a much better shooter than I had given him credit for. He shot 40% from three and 80% from the line. He brings some baggage, but I think he has the Kobe mentality of wanting to be the best player in the league someday.

5. Memphis Grizzlies - Kevin Love, UCLA

What can you say here? The Grizzlies need help all over the place. Is Rudy Gay really their best player? Mike Miller led the team in rebounding last year at 6.7 a game and right now their frontcourt rotation is Darko Milicic, Kwame Brown, Hakim Warrick, and Jason Collins. It makes me sick to include Warrick in that bunch because I liked him in college so much, but that is a horrible frontline, no matter who's in the game at any point. I think Kevin Love gives you instant help, and will be a franchise guy for years to come. During his peak years he will average somewhere between 22 and 11, but he will also do the little things that help teams win. I think you go with Love here, and go for athleticism next year, because players like Love don't come around often. He's smart, plays hard, has a chinstrap, and is one of the strongest players with the ball in his hands.

6. New York Knicks - DJ Augustin, Texas

He looked pretty bad against Memphis in the elite 8 last year, but he's been the best point guard in college basketball over the last two years. With Mike D'Antoni now coaching the Knicks I think his first move is to find his Steve Nash, and this may be the best choice for a pure point guard in the draft. He can shoot the three and set up his teammates, and will be a better defender. I don't see any MVP's in his future, but he will be an all-star in the league. The Knicks just have to keep him as far as they can from Stephon Marbury. I really have no idea what the Knicks will do here. Another option is Jeryd Bayless, but he dosn't have the skill set to run the point for D'Antoni's offense.

7. LA Clippers - Jeryd Bayless, Arizona

The Clippers will be looking at the guards in this draft to provide some instant scoring. Elton Brand will be back to good health and he, along with Kaman and Thornton, will shore up the frontline's productivity. Bayless's athleticism is off the charts and his offensive game is very polished. The Clips do have a franchise point guard in Dan Dickau, but I've heard his athleticism is starting to slip a bit with his age and whiteness.

8. Milwaukee Bucks - Joe Alexander, West Virginia

With the emergence of Ramon Sessions during the last month of the season (He averaged 11 pts, 11 dimes, 11 assists, and 11 passes to players who then score in less than two dribbles), I don't think the Bucks will address their earlier needs at point guard. He has won the starting job, and though their backups aren't great guys, this draft class is short on talent at that position. I think the Bucks will look for a small forward here and the best available is Joe Alexander. He emerged during March Madness this year, but showed a very polished offensive game whether he is facing up or posting up. He absolutely destroyed Duke, which makes me pretty high on him. Plus, he only had one year of coaching under Huggy Bear where he was forced to play with his back to the basket, this kid could really develop in a few years. He isn't short on athleticism either as I was watching some workout tapes of him yesterday and he can dunk a basketball! He would add depth to the bucks frontline, but he can also knock down the three and would extend opponent's defense to open the paint for Bogut and Villanueva to have a who's uglier contest.

9. Charlotte Bobcats - Roy Hibbert, Georgetown

Charlotte has a rising star in Gerald Wallace, a favorite for fantasy drafts this year, but they still need some production from their frontline. Okafur is a solid power forward and hopefully the return of Adam Morrison and Sean May will prove to be beneficial, but I think this team needs a true center. Hibbert won't do a lot of scoring for the Bobcats, but he gives them more length on the defensive end, a second shot blocker, rebounding, and great passing out of the post. If Hibbert can start to find Richardson and Wallace cutting through the lane he could be very productive for Charlotte. If not, we will just have another 7 footer with knee and back problems riding the bench for 10 years because a 7 footer has to work somewhere, right?

10. New Jersey Nets - Danilo Gallinari, Italy

Don't know anything about him, but most sites have him as a lottery pick. I hate the Nets so I decided to stick him here. If you know anything about him please feel free to expand on this pick in the Comments section.

11. Indiana Pacers - Eric Gordon, Indiana

Gordon's stock as dropped considerably after his freshman year took a nosedive with the departure of Kelvin Sampson. However, I don't think we can knock him out of the lottery. He has world-class athleticism, a reliable jump shot, and is a really strong guard. I'd like to see his handling improve at the next level and become more of a consistent scorer. He gets to the foul line and will do so at the next level. I think this pick makes sense for the Pacers here because Gordon could also bring the ball up the court. If Gordon was shooting the ball well I think the Pacers could be a very dangerous team. Dunleavy, Granger, and Gordon would give them some great scoring from their 1,2, and 3. If O'Neal comes back they could be a playoff team again as soon as next year.

12. Sacramento Kings - Anthony Randolph, LSU

Randolph has all the size and athleticism you would need in a big man at the next level. He even knocks down a 12-15 foot jumper with strange consistency. Of course, he needs to add weight on at the next level, but I think he has the athleticism to contribute right away. Sacramento really needs to take the best player available here, and can afford to consider somewhat of a prospect in Randolph. He has tons of upside and seems to make the most sense at this pick.

13. Portland Trailblazers - Chase Budinger, Arizona

You have to love what the Trailblazers are doing right now. Oden will be coming back next year, and Martell Webster should be ready to go. Rarely are guys able to keep these young teams together, but they are accumulating enough pieces to eventually make a move on a big-time player to compliment Roy. I think Budinger gives them great lenth at either the shooting guard or small forward spot. He is likely a role player coming off the bench, but has the potential to be much better than what he showed at Arizona. I think Jarrett Jack will give them a solid point guard for next year, and they may look in that direction again in the second round. I think the Blazers need a guy who can knock down open jumpers, has size, but can play on the perimeter to open things up for Aldridge and Oden next year.

14. Golden State Warriors - Russell Westbrook, UCLA

The Warriors like to play small ball (Nellie Ball) and have already reached on project big man with Patrick O'Bryant and Brandon Wright. I don't think they'll make the same mistake twice. Westbrook gives them added size at the point guard position and a reliable outside shot. He would be the best player available at this point and has the athleticism to play with this team. He is great in the open floor and has the quickness to defend well. It's hard to see him getting minutes right away, but could add depth to the Warriors in terms of ballhandling.

So that's the way I'm seeing this draft. I'm not big at all on DeAndre Jordan or Darrell Arthur, and think any team would be reaching if they took them in the lottery. I like Anthony Randolph more than either one of those guys. This isn't a deep class, but I love the top talent of the first give picks. Hibbert, Budinger, and Westbrook, I see as the biggest risks to not see any action for their teams, but I think all are the smartest choice for that team. Please criticize this entire post.

Colts' Harrison Linked To Shooting

2008-05-02T18:11:00.003-04:00

As it is being reported on the other sports network (I don't want to mention it's name, as they are our main competitor for your services), it sounds all but certain that Marvin Harrison, the super-productive no-nonsense wide receiver for the Indianapolis Colts, will be charged with assault with a deadly weapon, along with a host of other crimes his actions violated. From the report it appears as if Harrison was in his bar, 'Playmakers,' located in his hometown of Philadelphia, when a gentleman entered the bar and began a heated exchange with Harrison. As the man was leaving, he was shot in the parking lot. He left the scene, only suffering a bullet wound to his hand.

The police have traced the bullets to a gun Harrison owns. The police contacted Harrison at the carwash he owns and Harrison admitted to owning the gun, but claimed it never left his house. The police later found the gun in a wash bucket located directly behind Harrison. Harrison has yet to be charged with a crime and has not returned our phone calls.

However, John Madden offered comment on the situation, saying, "Harrison's a no-nonsense type of player. He's a hard worker, blue collar kind of guy. He just goes out and gets the job done, plain and simple."

Why does Marvin Harrison own a bar and carwash? Why does it sound like he actually spends a lot of time at both establishments in a managerial type role? If an extremely rich entertainer owns a nightclub, I see it being much more of a Frank Lucas in Frank's kind of place. Marvin goes in on busy nights and sits in a VIP area with some friends. The story makes it sound like he was working the bar. I guess Madden, along with every other announcer to ever cover a Colt's game was right - he's just a blue collar type of athlete.

It will be interesting to see how the NFL handles this situation from a legal and PR standpoint. It obviously calls for a suspension if he was the one who pulled the trigger. The next step might be to ban NFL players from nightclubs. It will also be interesting to see who Marvin Harrison passes the torch too as the next humble, hard-working, elite black athlete. My vote is for the sexy Willie Demps...

Duke Wins; Somewhere a Fairy Dies

2008-04-28T14:18:00.003-04:00

Duke is tops again in the Harris Poll, which ranks the Nation's most popular college basketball programs. In a completely unrelated story my roommate's Duke warmup jersey was stolen and burned last night.

How is this possible? Look at these douchebags from a few years ago.

To be honest, I'm too upset to even think about this anymore. I'm logging off and going to find some more stuff to burn.

Dallas Trades Fourth Round Pick in Exchange for Pacman and Lots of Funny Stories to Be Told Later

2008-04-24T10:53:00.007-04:00

Pacman Jones is a Cowboy. Elaine Benes may tell you that the previous sentence required an exclamation mark. I disagree. I get that it’s a roll of the dice and could pan out for the Cowboys, but I think regardless of when he is reinstated, he’s not the impact player he’s made out to be. Pacman is a starter on the Luc Richard Mbah Moute All-Star team of players who get incredibly overrated because of their cool names or background stories. A reasonable man might add Dre Bly to that list, but I have a soft spot in my hear for Dre. In high school I used to roll my knee pads up and wear really long dark socks and try to emulate Bly’s tenacious coverage techniques (I only did that when I was playing football, if I did that all the time it would have looked crazy!). I was never more certain that a player was destined for NFL greatness than when I watched Dre Bly in man coverage when he played for UNC. Obviously my eye for talent is infallible, but I digress.

What Dallas really got is a very solid kick/punt returner with ability to play some nickel corner. He won’t play over Terrence Newman or Anthony Henry, and Dallas is still very likely to take a corner in the first round on Saturday. I just read an ESPN poll that 60% of the voters ranked Pacman as one of the top ten corners in the league. Seriously? They can’t think of ten corners better than Pac, so I have to do it for them. Champ Bailey, Terrence Newman, Nmadi Asamugha, Asante Samuel, Nate Clements, Mike McKenzie, Antonio Cromartie, Al Harris, Charles Woodson, Charles Tillman, and Chris McCallister all easily surpass Pacman’s abilities as a corner. I’d even put Anthony Henry, DeAngelo Hall, Dunta Robinson, Rashean Mathis, Ronde Barber and Marcus Trufant as firmly above Pacman. So Pacman is more like one of the top 30 corners in the league, i.e., he is a starting quality corner. As far as sheer corner skill, that's about as generous as I'm willing to be with him. When T.O. smoked him for about 150 yards two years ago, Pac asked T.O. to sign his shoes for him after the game, that's the kind of competitor we're dealing with here. But seriously, what a great nickname!

This is the fifth picture that came up in a Google image search for Dre Bly. Sadly, I've probably done a better job at emulating this guy than I ever did in my endeavors to cover like Dre

I’ve also heard that the strip club scene in Dallas is insane, so there should be an awesome story involving Pacman within a couple of months. Give it time, it’s going to be worth it.

2008 NFL Mock Draft

2008-04-21T21:41:00.001-04:00

Unfortunately I am one of those idiots who gets all psyched up about the NFL draft. I watch all the combine stuff, check out all the mock drafts, and last year I even grew my hair out like Mel Kiper, Jr. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know who a bunch of these guys were until after the season ended. Is that going to stop me from prognosticating where they will go and how good they’ll be? Of course not. I’ll guarantee you that at least six of these are dead on.

1. Dolphins – Jake Long, Michigan

Just seems like Jake Long is willing to be the next Parcells guy. I think the Big Tuna wants Vernon Gholston, but knows that he’s not a great value at the top pick. The NFL basically has a value attached to every pick for all seven rounds of the draft. Using that formulation, teams can figure out how much they would have to sacrifice to move from the 20^th pick to the 6^th pick. What I don’t get is that that system is outdated. Teams seem to value quantity over quality these days, so the idea of giving up a first, second, and a third to move up 15 spots in the first round is just absurd. The Giants gave up what amounted to Philip Rivers, Shawn Merriman, Roman Oben (who started at left tackle for San Diego before they got Marcus McNeil) and some low round pick, for Eli Manning. Obviously, just like when the Pistons won a championship with Darko instead of D. Wade, Melo, or Bosh, you can’t question the end result, but I still think that’s giving up way too much to move up a couple of spots. What Parcells really wants to do here is get Gholston, Long, or Long, and get them for as cheap as possible. So why not trade down to the Raiders spot for like a fourth round pick? It would get them a huge amount of cap relief, allow them to get Gholston, and everyone knows Al Davis wouldn’t be able to resist it, even though it would go against everything the Raiders need to do right now. I think Jake Long becomes the guy. Gholston doesn’t deserve to be the top pick, and Parcells must have doubts about Chris Long’s ability to play outside linebacker in a 3-4.

As an aside, Parcells must get so pissed when he’s reminded that the Dolphins spent a top ten pick on Ted Ginn last season. I don’t think Parcells would have okayed drafting him in the third round. I also like that everyone basically operates under the assumption that Parcells is actually coaching the team. Nobody mentions Tony Sparano’s preferences in drafting.

2. Rams – Vernon Gholston, Ohio State

They sound like they want to move to a 3-4 at least part of the time, and Gholston is a prototypical outside backer for a 3-4. He also gives the Rams a pass-rusher, and their defense really needs that. Glenn Dorsey makes sense here, but I guess he makes too much sense, so Gholston becomes the guy.

3. Falcons – Matt Ryan, Boston College

Ryan doesn’t deserve to be the third guy taken, but the Falcons desperately need a new face for the franchise. Ryan is probably the whitest QB in the draft (Chad Henne is next, but he has Chinese character tattoos so Ryan keeps his title as whitest), and Atlanta is the blackest franchise. This might not be the face the fans are looking for. We’ll see.

4. Raiders – Darren McFadden, Arkansas

Does anyone have any doubt that the Raiders will take Run DMC? Even Howie Long’s son can’t stop Al Davis from drafting McFadden.

5. Chiefs – Glenn Dorsey, LSU

I hope the Chiefs are smart enough to do this. I know Dorsey has injury concerns, but he was the most dominant defensive tackle that college football has seen since Warren Sapp. Teams are trying too hard to find reasons not to take Dorsey.

6. Jets – Chris Long, Virginia

Pretty good value for Chris Long here, and the Jets get to make an easy pick, and add a pass-rusher.

7. Patriots – Branden Albert, Virginia

Virginia could have two of the top five picks in the draft, no wonder they were so awesome last season! I think the Patriots will trade out of this pick, and they’ll probably get waaaayyy too much for it. If they stand pat (pun intended) I think they take an offensive lineman, and Branden Albert is the hot name right now. I’m confused that he played guard in college, and was originally projected to be picked in the late teens as a guard, but now teams think he can play left tackle, and it’s rumored he’ll go as high as fifth to play a position he didn’t play in college. Curious.

8. Ravens – Leodis McKelvin, Troy

The Ravens almost always get the best value with their high picks, corner is one of their greatest needs, and McKelvin is considered about as good as there is in this draft class. I really wanted the Cowboys to draft him, but McKelvin just looked too good at the Senior Bowl and Combine to slip that far. I’ll go ahead and officially begin my campaign to have him referred to as “McLovin.” It’s a reference about twenty years too current for Berman to anoint him with that nickname, but hopefully someone steps up to the plate and gets the ball rolling. Think McLovin, people, YES WE CAN!

9. Bengals – Sedrick Ellis, USC

If he’s available, the Bengals will sprint to the podium to land this big lug.

10. Saints – Keith Rivers, USC

Rumored to desire a trade up to secure Dorsey or Ellis. If they can’t pull off that feat, they’ll probably go with Rivers. The secondary is weak, but they can’t just keep sinking money in it. Rivers is considered one of the safest picks in the draft

11. Bills – Devin Thomas, Michigan State

The Bills really need more options on offense, and Thomas was a one year wonder last year with excellent combine numbers.

12. Broncos – Ryan Clady, Boise State

Obligatory reference to zone blocking. Aren’t the offensive line picks always boring? They show those highlights and basically the point of the highlight is that there was no highlight so the O-Line did a good job. They should sub in footage of naked women or clips from Wes Anderson movies (Hotel Chevalier…two birds one stone).

13. Panthers – Derrick Harvey, Florida

Julius Peppers is in a contract year. If Derrick Harvey comes in and can play, the Panthers are going to take out at least one QB this season. Which leaves four to go to break even after last year when they went through Delhomme, Carr, Testaverde, Damon Whiteside, and Matt Moore.

14. Bears – Chris Williams, Vanderbilt

Because last season wasn’t Rex Grossman or Cedric Benson’s fault…maybe.

15. Lions – Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, TSU

His combine numbers were just sick, and he’s almost 6’2”. He’s a really intriguing prospect, and his cousin had a decent season last year. I have never seen him play, but I heard that he got beat regularly last year against inferior talent. Maybe he has terrible instincts and he’ll never pan out, but if he can convert the measureables into on-field success, then the Lions will have picked wisely in the first round two years in a row. One more and the planet core explodes.

16. Cardinals – Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois

Edgerrin is getting old, and everyone loves Mendenhall, Detroit and Chicago are threats to take him earlier than this.

17. Chiefs – Brian Brohm, Louisville

If the Vikings trade for Jared Allen, as it appears they will, then they will no longer have such a pressing need for a defensive end...I was assuming that the Vikings were going to keep this year's first round pick, but I was wrong. Brohm could still be such a good find here. He’s probably the most NFL ready of all the QBs (for the Ryan enthusiasts, please note that Matt Ryan threw 19 interceptions last season). I know that the Chiefs have a ton of needs, but when you have two first round picks, you get to play with house money a bit, and why not spend this pick on a QB that probably would have gone in the top five last season, and all he did was come in and have a great year? The run of DEs and top flight tackles is over by here, so the Chiefs should just take the best player available, and that's probably Brohm.

18. Texans – Mike Jenkins, USF

They need help in the secondary, receiver, running back, maybe quarterback (pending injuries), and in the linebacking corps. The defensive line is all set though!

19. Eagles – Jerod Mayo, Tennessee

I just hear so many good things about this guy, and I feel like Andy Reid will dig his heels in and refuse to get a playmaking receiver here. Fortunately, Donovan McNabb will never bring that up later in the season when Eagles can’t move the ball.

20. Buccaneers – DeSean Jackson, Cal

I used to have huge questions about Jackson because of his size (only about 169 pounds). But I’ve read that his route-running is solid, he has good hands, and he’s obviously a very talented returner. He could learn from Gray Beard Galloway, and possibly be a steal. First round receivers have a high bust rate, but with Jackson you know you’re at least getting an outstanding returner.

21. Redskins – Limas Sweed, Texas

They need a receiver that’s bigger than me.

22. Cowboys – Aqib Talib, Kansas

I set this mock up so that Dallas could get Talib. The knock on him is that he smoked weed in college. So have the last two Presidents (and counting). He’s a big-time playmaker who puts pressure on the QB because he’ll go for interceptions. He’ll pay for some of those gambles, but as the nickel corner, that’s certainly something the Cowboys could live with.

23. Steelers – Jeff Otah, Pittsburgh

A steady pick for a franchise that doesn’t like to get too crazy on draft day. The Steelers line was terrible last season, and Otah could help keep Big Ben and Fast Willie in the lineup.

24. Titans – James Hardy, Indiana

I really like Hardy, and I hope Vince Young gets a nice big target like him to improve the Titans pathetic offense. They can’t even move the ball in Madden.

25. Seahawks – Dustin Keller, Purdue

Keller was the ultimate combine warrior. Amongst tight ends he was either first or second in the 40 yard dash, vertical leap, broad jump, cone drill and watermelon seed spitting. The Seahawks already signed TJ Duckett and Julius Jones to go with Mo Morris, and they’re still eating Alexander’s salary, so they shouldn’t put any more eggs in the running back basket. I know Alexander is technically still a Seahawk, but by that standard he’s technically still a starting running back in the NFL, and I’m not going to mislead my fine readers.

26. Jaguars – Phillip Merling, Clemson

He’s an enormous defensive end, and the Jaguars like enormous football players. Going back to Madden, Maurice Jones-Drew is the best football player ever in Madden ’08. He’s completely unstoppable. He returns squib kicks for touchdowns, and his little Ewok legs just churn right through any would-be tacklers. It’s mind boggling.

27. Chargers – Kentwan Balmer, UNC

Everyone says Balmer is amazing, and the Chargers are loaded at every position, so they really can just pick the best player available. They’ll probably trade out of this pick to get more picks and someone will take Brohm or Flacco here. If not, then I’ll just roll the dice and say Balmer. I hope he likes steroids.

28. Cowboys – Felix Jones, Arkansas

There are like zero mock drafts that don’t have Felix Jones going to Dallas. Are other teams even allowed to draft him? The Cowboys are going to take a corner, WR, and RB with their first three picks, and they can pretty much just see who the best player at one of those positions is available at each of their picks.

29. 49ers – Dan Connor, Penn State

Last season everyone raved about Patrick Willis being so NFL ready and he slipped to the 49ers. The exact same thing is happening with Dan Connor. He and Willis could be cornerstones at MLB for the 49ers 3-4 for the next decade, which is probably a lot longer than Alex Smith and Mike Nolan will be around.

30. Packers – Antoine Cason, Arizona

Woodson and Harris are ancient, and Cason is sort of small, but he’s the same type of physical, ball hawking corner that the old guys are, so he could fit in well with the Packers’ scheme. I hear number 4 is available as a jersey number if he’s looking to make a splash with the fans.

On a side note, I went to Madison, Wisconsin a couple of weeks ago. If you ever go, give the Spotted Cow beer a try, and don’t let your friend T.J. talk about how Brett Favre is the most overrated athlete of your generation.

31. Giants – Kenny Phillips, Miami

Almost went the entire first round without drafting a guy from the U. That was too close for comfort…way to make us sweat it out, Calais Campbell.

Derby Classic Basketball Summary

2008-04-20T08:17:00.003-04:00

So I went to the Derby Classic All-Star Game last night and came away very impressed. I've been to this game five or six times and the UofL fans always easily outnumber the UK contingency, but this time there really seemed to be more Cats fans in the house. The PA announcer was outstanding, and during player introductions he really singled out the UK targets, and called for the Big Blue Nation to show them some love. You could tell the players were really into the whole thing, and hopefully it ends out being a great recruiting tool that ends out landing some guys.

Ater Majok looked very impressive, especially offensively. In the first five minutes, he hit a free throw line jumper, a three, a driving bank shot from about twelve feet, and had a dunk. He also had two tip slams that were waved off because of offensive goal tending (he probably plays with international rules, so he's not used to having to acknowledge the cylinder). It was still nice to see how springy he is and one of the goal tends waved off a sure basket by Tyler Zeller, so that was pretty much okay with everyone. He did get pushed around when he tried to get rebounding position, and I can see why he wants to play the 3 if possible: he's no banger. In fairness, the refs let UofL signee Terrence Jennings just grab jerseys and foul everyone the whole time without any repercussions. Majok's arms are incredibly long, and he blocked several shots, one of them was an impressive two-handed block where the shooter got him in the air, but he still was able to get back off the ground and deflect the ball. This guy looked way better than I thought he would, and he could bring some immediate scoring help to UK. They should do everything they can to land him. I'm also really hoping he has an Australian accent. How great would that be? He could wear a Crocodile Dundee hat on the bench and everything. It's a good thing Ramel has used up his eligibility though, we know how he'd feel about adding an Aussie.

Maurice Sutton was the surprise of the game. I think he ended out with 19 points. Obviously mostly on unguarded layups, but he hit a nice jumper, knocked down his free throws, and he had a great catch and dunk in transition where most big man would have bobbled the pass. He's very skinny, and there is some accuracy to the Perry Stevenson comparisons, however, when you see him in person, you can tell that he has a much bigger frame than Perry, and the ability to put on more weight is there. He also played his ass off, diving for loose balls and going hard for rebounds. He really endeared himself to the UK fans in attendance, and looks like a guy that would need a year or two, but could end out being very good. It would be a dream scenario to land Majok for the short-term and Sutton for the long-term.

Paul McCoy looked fast, but I really didn't see too much from him that was all that impressive. He took one jumper, and he was pretty far off. In his defense, he looked definitely looked competitive with all the other PGs in the game, but if Deandre Liggins qualifies for UK, then I don't think there is much of a need to spend a scholarship on McCoy too.

Speaking of Liggins, he looked pretty solid. He's a great passer, and he looks a little more comfortable on offense than Jasper. He definitely likes to distribute, but he'll look for his shot from time to time. Not a pretty jumper, but it's not like a Wayne Turner J either. For a big point guard he keeps his dribble pretty low, which should make it harder for guys to get the ball away from him (that always bothers me about Jasper, he dribbles high, and just uses his length as separation when he's being guarded). Comparing Liggins to Jasper is really a pretty solid comparison, but Jasper has that amazing ability to always keep his head up and look for teammates, even when he's in traffic. Because traffic requires defense, there was no way to tell how Liggins does in those situations from last night's game.

For anyone disappointed in Darius Miller's splits (I think he finished with six points) , don't worry. An All-Star game doesn't suit his abilities. He's unselfish to a fault, an Gillispie will need to tease that aggressiveness out of him, but he was every bit as talented as any other player there. He just didn't demand the ball or cherry pick down the court.

Terrence Jennings, the UofL signee that UK recruited, looked really good too. He's explosive around the basket and very coordinated for a young big guy. He also seems to know that his place is near the basket and doesn't want to be a 6'10" small forward (take notes, Majok). I'll qualify that with my personal opinion (because the rest of this write-up has been strictly factual) that the refs let Jennings push guys, grab their jerseys, and do whatever he felt like without calling anything on him. He also coincidentally probably shot more free throws than any other player too, so the home-cooking was nice for Terrence. He kissed the cardinal bird when he was introduced, but he actually kissed it on the mouth, right on its cardinal bird teeth. That was a little unsettling, and I think everyone in attendance felt uncomfortable. Jared Swopshire didn't do anything too terribly impressive, but he has some nice corn rows and he can certainly jump. Because they are going to be playing for UofL, they need to get some cool, original nicknames ASAP. Let's get crazy and go with T-Jenn and J-Swop. The dunk contest was one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen, as the judges continued to give Jennings and Swopshire the same score, forcing an unprecedented double overtime dunk contest. Jennings eventually won, and wouldn't you know it, he escaped the pursuing Swopshire by a mere one point!

Chris Singleton looked very impressive. He's got a chance to win a couple of Most Outstanding Player awards at the NIT during what is sure to be an illustrious career as a Seminole. The Reliford kid who is heading to Kansas looked really good too. He's another high-scoring guard that looked athletic, and he should fit in Bill Self's system from day one.

I've been a big Josh Harrellson guy for a while, but after seeing Sutton and Majok, I hope the Cats are able to land both of those guys, even if it means that the big white St. Louisian takes his game elsewhere.

Chad Jr., Chad 3, Chad 4, Chadina, and Chadeci Don't Want to Leave Cincinatti

2008-04-18T11:41:00.004-04:00

Okay, let's get one thing straight. I've been an Ocho Cinco supporter since about 2003. I loved his endzone antics when the Bengals were one of the worst franchises in all of sports. Though we were dwelling in the cellar with the likes of the Kansas City Royals and LA Clippers, we had entertainment, and we were grateful. I always defended Ocho against sharp criticism comparing him to T.O. and pre-Patriot Randy Moss. He wasn't a self-serving convict who cared more about himself than the team. He was our little 85. A wide receiver who talked a big game, entertained the fans, but bottom-line was all about winning. He defended his teammates in the media and cried after losses in the locker room, putting the blame on himself. However, I'm sad to say those days are gone. Gone for one reason...

I can barely look

Ever since golden-boy Carson Palmer tore his (three capitol letters of your choice) ligament the Cincinatti Bengals haven't been the same, especially Chad Johnson. Carson has played two seasons since destroying his knee, an injury most football players are unable to return from, and the Bengals have had two subpar seasons without him, finishing 8-8 both seasons I believe. I'd check that information but I'm at work and writing on a blog is bad enough. Plus the porn I'm watching uses up most of the hard drive on these pieces of shit. Carson has played good football, not Pro-Bowl quality, but still good football. A lot of his interceptions have been due to the injuries on the offensive line over the last two seasons and not being afforded the time the Tom Brady's and Peyton Mannings of the league receive. David Pollack suffered a career ending neck injury. Odell Thurman has been suspended two full years for a methamphetamine addiction. Chris Henry has been arrested 17 consecutive weekends for providing alcohol to middle school aged girls. We have had some problems, but I don't think the franchise is solely to blame for the past two seasons. Football is a game of ebb and flow, a rollercoaster ride if you will. The Packers and Giants surprisingly flowed this year. The Browns played well. The Ravens and Bengals stalled. And the Falcons should have just quit half way through. Football success depends on a variety of exigent circumstances outside of the coach and the three or four star players. The Giants were able to topple the invincible Patriots because of a weak ankle and two freakish defensive ends.

I've started to ramble, so let me bring this back to it's original point. When you read this, Chad, know that the Bengal Nation has not lost it's faith in you completely. I don't like the comments you recently made about Carson having no right to speak for you. He's trying to do so damage control before the season. I know you are emotional and just want to win, but let me tell you that the Bengals can win. There aren't four better quarterbacks in the league than Carson Palmer. There aren't three better 2nd option wide-receivers than Who's Ya Momma. The Bengals can succeed, but we want you to be here when it happens. I know you will probably be on this site in the next hour or so, so please hear my cry. If you are unwilling to listen, that's fine too. To be honest, as I've spent this time writing this, I'm getting more and more tired of your shit.

2008-04-15T23:23:00.004-04:00

This guy is the bane of my existence. His name is Eddie Redmayne, and he sucks. He was cast as the demon offspring of Angelina Jolie and Matt Damon in the Good Shepherd. See the resemblance? Exactly. Apparently the casting session involved lining up ten thousand people and picking the kid with the biggest lips. I know I’m beating a dead horse, but honestly, what’s the over/under on how many kids Matt Damon and Jolie would have to have before one looked like this? Watch the Good Shepherd, and you can sense the disappointment in all the actors when they’re filming. In the backs of their minds they’re all thinking, “Nobody is going to have anything good to say about this movie after seeing this stupid kid.” I’m not so shallow that I would write about him just to make fun of his sallow pigmentation, his girlishly narrow sloping shoulders, engorged lips, and feminine tendencies. Let’s review his highlights in the movie. He peed his pants while sitting on Santa’s lap, he showed off to his dad that he learned how to smoke cigarettes in college, and he pretty much was the leak in the Bay of Pigs invasion after he eavesdropped on his dad’s conversation. Natty would also like to add that there is a scene where he is taking a bath, which was just embarrassing in itself. Now, after looking up his filmography, I’ve learned that he’s in the Other Boleyn Girl. Which means he’s taken a movie with the exquisite Natalie Portman and the voluptuous Scarlett Johansen, and made it so much less than it probably would have been otherwise. In his defense, it takes a whale of a performance, good or bad, to eclipse Damon, Jolie, De Niro, Pesci, Baldwin, etc.

That’s pretty much all that I have going on. I don’t know if you all are aware, but Candace Parker led the Lady Vols to their 83^rd National Championship. You might hear a lot of people say that Parker played with a separated shoulder, and not a lot of players, man or woman, would have played through such an injury. My take is that even fewer would have the audacity to wear a long-sleeve t-shirt in the Final Four.

Kevin Love continues to impress, and I recently read that he honed his behemoth strength by doing push-ups on his fingertips when he was in high school. Finger tip push-ups, that sounds pretty impressive, right? Well it is. Go ahead, get on the floor and see how many fingertip pushups you can do, I’ll wait. Now think if you were a big ole meaty hoss cat like Mr. Love. That's a lot of Love that those fingertips are moving. That’s pretty impressive, huh? Slow-footed or not, that guy is strong as an ox and has an unbelievable basketball IQ. I’m just looking forward to seeing which team is going to take Deandre Jordan ahead of Love.

I’m excited that Rose and Beasley have both officially declared for the NBA Draft. This is going to be a pretty good debate about which guy to take. Remember back in 94 when the Bucks had a similar debate and went with Big Dog over Jason Kidd? Me either, I had to look it up, but I think other people are going to tell you that it’s a similar situation. Well if this is so much like the 1994 Draft, then which Heisman Trophy winner is going to be taken with the 26^th pick? I guess history doesn't really repeat itself. But I digress. I’m hoping the Grizzlies get the top pick and take Rose, so he can complement Crittenton, Lowry, and Mike Conley Jr, in Tennessee's legion of point guards. I won’t make any promises to you people, but I’m hoping to have a more substantive piece covering the NFL Draft soon, in the mean time, avoid Eddie Redmayne and the parade of horribles that he brings with him.

Boone Pickens Wants Him a B-Ball Coach

2008-04-08T21:13:00.004-04:00

If I was going to make up a story about Gillispie leaving, rest assured it would involve an oil tycoon, but Oklahoma State has already done the legwork for me. T. Boone Pickens wants his beloved Cowboys to make a big splash with the basketball coaching vacancy. Word is that Bill Self is their man and that Billy Clyde Gillispie is their number two. Pickens is throwing crazy money around, including way over $200 million he has already given to the university. The fact of the matter is that as much as a UK basketball coach makes, it’s not Lebron money. If a coach has a chance to make enough money so his grandkids will never have to work a day in their lives, then I would never blame him for following the almighty dollar. There is no shame in that, and people suggesting otherwise are fools….damn fools.

I love what Gillispie was able to do this season, and I think UK has a very bright future with him at the helm, but I really think it could be in his best interests to take the OSU job if offered. Gillispie is a tireless worker, but we all know he is a time bomb too. That DUI is coming, and it’s going to be embarrassing for him and the program. OSU doesn’t put coaches in the fishbowl like UK does, and Gillispie likes to have a good time out at the bars, get in a Jacuzzi with a bunch of 19 year old ladies, and walk out on his bar tab without being hassled. You and me both, Billy, but Lexington is a tough place to pull that off. UK has nosy boosters, who like to have a say and be in the know about all things UK. The basketball coach has to be a bit of a media darling to appease them. Someone simultaneously cocky and humble; relentless, yet human; and someone who can withstand everlasting comparisons to Rick Pitino. Gillispie is an outstanding game tactician, and all signs indicate he’s a merciless recruiter, but those off the court issues will continue to haunt him. If the boosters are something that will get in the way of his coaching, then he needs to leave. The man loves to coach, and it’s clear that he’s not comfortable dancing to appease the old farts. He’s shown how human he can be when he calls into radio shows and anonymously donates money, and from that touching scene where he went to a cancer fundraiser and got choked up while giving an impromptu speech and then stunned the audience by donating ten thousand dollars. That's the type of person he is, and that's outstanding. Unfortunately, for him to be fully embraced by the boosters, he needs to donate to the black tie fund raisers that all the rest of the higher ups attend. He could also just win a championship every three years, and quiet all those boosters pretty quickly, but that's a tall task too. At OSU, all Gillispie would have to do is make sure he’s comfortable with Pickens. All the other boosters are worthless compared to that guy, so it’s an easier audience to entertain than UK.

It’s also important to remember that Gillispie does a ton of recruiting out of Texas, so Oklahoma State could be a homecoming of sorts for him. That said, Gillispie often speaks fondly of being at the Mecca of college basketball, and a move back to Big-12 country would not likely result in any championships (let alone fan admiration), so it’s a complete toss-up. I think it’s a 50/50 on whether Self stays or goes so we may never have to find out what Gillispie’s answer to Pickens’ pitch would be. If OSU comes calling though, I think Gillispie will at least pick up the phone.

Where is Chad Johnson?

2008-04-04T14:10:00.003-04:00

Anybody hear Chad Johnson's two interviews on ESPN this week? They were excruciating. It was like he was channeling Mike Tyson. Brian Kenney looked like he was simultaneously angry and terrified. There were multiple third person moments, and none of his answers made any sense. Not only did Chad not answer the questions he was asked, his answers didn't answer any question that any person has ever asked. In the second interview, ESPN broke the news to Chad about Chris Henry getting cut. Somehow Chad had no idea that had happened. I guess he doesn't have a cell phone or the internet. He might have been calling ESPN using a tin can with a long string. I thought Chad was on Jupiter, but Natty contended that he was actually calling in from Concussion Land. Unfortunately Leonard is a Bengals fan, so like all other Bengals fans, he just thought Chad was being funny.

Stephen Curry is ...

2008-03-30T17:59:00.002-04:00

Stephen Curry is the smoothest college basketball player I have ever seen in my lifetime. He's even what I would refer to as silky smooth. I will never bet against him again until he is out of college basketball and in the NBA. Yeah, that's right, he will play in the NBA. I'm sure of that.

Stephen Curry is the most entertaining player to watch in college basketball. Forget Psycho T, DJ Augustin or Michael Beasley. Stephen Curry is the most entertaining. Michael Beasley may have put up numbers equal to Kevin Durant, but Durant was way more exciting to watch. Stephen Curry is just as entertaining, and I'm not even sure if he can dunk the ball.

Lebron James came to watch Stephen Curry play. Does that tell you anything? The most entertaining player in the world came to watch Curry play against Wisconsin, one of the more boring teams to watch play.

Stephen Curry has made plays several times during the Kansas game that make Gus Johnson just laugh during the broadcast. Gus Johnson, who has the perfect thing to say at every moment, has been left speechless on more than one occassion, just in the first half. He just laughs.

Pitchers are not athletes...

2008-02-26T22:46:00.005-05:00

...at least not compared to the rest of their baseball counterparts. Awesome's friend ButterCream used to argue with us about this until he was blue in his creamy face. Granted, BC is much more athletic than myself (and a good guy to boot), but I count him as an exception to this rule. His main point in the argument: that Roger Clemens was one of the most well-conditioned athletes in the game. Our counterpoint: see David Wells, Bartolo Colon, etc. Still, whether you think, like BC, that Clemens had a "strong trunk" or that he just plain had a big belly, you have to agree that Congress has gone a little overboard.
Seriously, who are these guys investigating Clemens and why do they feel that his alleged steroid use is worthy of this grand congressional inquisition? Do I even have to list the plethora of relevant issues that require the attention of our government over whether or not Roger Clemens was juiced? Are you kidding me?!
Even disregarding issues like poverty, education, and the environment, any taxpayer not named ButterCream has to be frustrated that our dollars (hard-earned or otherwise) are being spent to fund this circus! (and yes, all of these exclamation points are necessary!) I don't even like Roger Clemens. He's arrogant, he's a liar, and though I've never met him, I feel like my unfounded characterizations of him are probably pretty accurate.

(this picture was the fourth one that came up when I googled "fat roger clemens")
So why has this, of all the stories in sports, caused me to start blogging again? To answer my own question, I really don't know. In the end, I'm mad for no reason, Roger Clemens is still fat, and Billy Gillispie is getting drunk somewhere and reading this blog. C'est la vie.

I love this game. (I really do.)

2007-11-08T14:16:00.000-05:00

While none of us were paying attention (in large part due to the Patriots-Colts game) the NBA decided to start their incredibly long season. I realize more money is made with the more games that are played, but doesn't it make some sense to shorten the season so the individual games mean more and players don't have to sit out games for rest like Barry Bonds or Sammy Sosa. Let's make it around 50-60 games and eliminate all the All-Star weekend stuff outside of the actual game. While we're getting rid of thinks, let's get rid of the mark stein power rankings. It really pisses me off because everytime the NBA, and even NFL power rankings, are released for the week I click on the link from ESPN.com. It never fails that as soon as I get there I say to myself, "Why am I looking at this" and then I go back to spankwire.

There is a common trend amongst sports writers who seem to think the NBA off-season provides more dramatic story lines than the actual season. However, this off-season has produced little in the way of substance. Besides the Kobe trade talks and the new-look Celtics not a lot has gone on. Despite that, I think this could be one of the better NBA seasons in several years. The playoffs (minus the entire East and the championship game) were fantastic. The Golden State-Dallas series was one of the best moments in playoff history. The Suns-Spurs series ignited an already heated rivalry for Western dominance. And, the Utah-Houston series was suprisingly exciting to watch. In short, I'm really looking forward to this season. (Note: It also seems that the scoring will be up from the 30 or so games already played.) How good does this look for KG and NBA fans?

The Boston Celtics:
Wow, have you seen this team play yet. It's like an NBA Live season with only ten teams, where the player took Brian Scalabrine and Scott Pollard with his last two picks as a joke to piss everyone else in the league off. If I were Scalabrine I would grow the hair out a bit, die it a dirty blonde, wear 33 and whip my towel on the bench a la Larry Bird in the 86 Finals. There is no doubt that KG already has to be the front runner for MVP. It also has to be the first season in which Paul Pierce won't legitimately ponder suicide a few weeks before the All-Star break. I had no idea they would click this fast. Which makes me think NBA teams really don't need a whole lot of chemistry when there are talented players. The Nuggets have continually told us to wait until AI and Carmelo have played together for a while, but c'mon. I'll give them a few weeks with those two plus Camby and KMart and if it doesn't happen then it's not going to happen. Rajon Rondo wearing the number nine really pisses me off. I really don't feel any player should be able to wear a number outside of the traditional 1-5, but especially not a Celtic. I still feel the Celtics are going to have trouble in a seven game series against the Spurs or Mavs, but they should have a great season nonetheless. (Side Note: Try and catch the Allen, Garnett, Pierce commercial with Jeff van Gundy. It's pretty great and van Gundy's face is priceless when he's watching Hoosiers.)

The Chicago Bulls:
These guys are off to a disappointing start at 0-4. Seriously, how can you not pull the trigger for Kobe when the main piece the Lakers want is Luol Deng? Luol Deng is a really good young player, but c'mon. You could potentially pull a deal for one of the greatest players to ever play and you won't do it. I get it Kobe has some baggage, but let's be honest, all he wants to do is win. If he's winning there isn't any baggage. Luol Deng comes with baggage to - like all of the Sudanese refugee and other charitable organizational work he's strongly involved with. Look, Kobe doesn't even know where Sudanese is, let alone how the Refugee All-Stars are involved. The Bulls should package a deal that sends Deng/Ben Wallace/Andres Nocioni to LA for Kobe. Straight up. The Lakers, with Bynum and Wallace, would be formidable. They would be the scariest twin towers duo of all time. Throw in Ronny Turiaf and they on par with Hanson brothers from Slap Shot. Wallace has a big contract, but he was a part of the Pistons team that destroyed the Lakers in the 04 finals, and I think they would take him. Chicago could start Hinrich, Gordon, Kobe, Thomas, and Joe Smith and compete with the Celtics and Pistons in the East. Another point, you're in the East. If you make a move to bring a dominant player in, despite who you give up, you will compete for the Eastern spot in the Finals. With Kobe on your team, I give you a shot against anybody in the West. He single-handedly almost beat the Suns two years ago, pushing them to a game 7. Make the move Chicago.

Atlanta Hawks:
I am so impressed with the past few drafts for the Atlanta Hawks, and it has shown with their current roster. They seem small as a team, but I'm pretty sure Josh Smith can guard absolutely any person in the NBA, or at least he can on NBA LIVE. They start Acie Law, better known as Tupac Shakur, Joe Johnson, the most underrated scorer in the NBA, Mr. Smith, Starvin Marvin Williams, and Al Horford, who is a beast and likes to stare at his muscles after he gets an and1. Josh Childress is their sixth man, and his afro is their seventh guy off the bench. Do yourself a favor and try and catch a Hawks game on ESPN 360. Joe Johnson and Josh Smith will both make the all-star game this year from the East. Childress' afro is averaging two blocks a game this year.

Talking Points for this week:
- Best moment in the office episode last week was when Michael and Dwight are talking to Jim over the walkie talkie and the copier falls on them. Michael says, as Karen approaches the window next to Jim, "Jim ... if we don't make it out of here promise me something ... host the dundies."
- Biggest Racist of the Week goes to Dog the Bounty Hunter. It's not that he used the "n-word" repeatedly in a telephone conversation with his son referring to his son's black girlfriend, because he definetly did. It's not even that he claimed to not be using the word in a negative way, because he most definetly was. It is that his explanation on CNN was that he thought he was cool enough in the black community to use the word in such a way. I don't even think most black people are cool enough in the black community to use the word in the way he was using it.
- Does Giselle withold sex from Tom when he throws an interception? That is the only explanation I can think of for his performance thus far.
- The Colts/Pats game had it all. It's good v. evil, class v. classless, average looking qb v. extremely good looking qb, water v. wine. I can't wait until the AFC championship game. Although the Steelers may have something to say about that.
- Addai and Peterson will be the best two running backs over the next few years. That's not really that bold of a statement, but I completely underestimated both of these guys by passing on them in my fantasy draft. Peterson is tearing it up for Run's team and its killing me because I made fun of the pick in my head during the draft. Sorry Runs.
- I had a dream last night, after UK's loss, that I was a college basketball player and I hit a big three in Cameron Indoor. I put my finger over my mouth and shushed the crowd on my way down the court. Coach K then choked me like Woody Hayes and attacked me on the court and he was subsequently banned from college coaching. I was really happy. I woke up and realized I'm a sick person. Someone help me.
- I'll mention UK's loss because I've had some time to ponder things. I thought the only times this team would get in trouble were against more intelligent teams who would attack Patterson and cause him to get in foul trouble. Now, I've realized when Crawford and Bradley are on the floor, every team we play is the more intelligent.
- Mentioned earlier, everyone should download ESPN 360. It only takes a few seconds and you can get a lot of games you can't get on basic cable.

UK Basketball: An Era Anew

2007-11-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

It's been a long layoff, I know that. But with the beginning of basketball season and a new era in UK Basketball, that will undoubtedly lead to more championships, it is time AwesomeUSA got back in business. We all had busy summers with a good friend getting married and, of course, the preceding bachelor party. TIMMY! In lieu of giving you a detailed story of what has happened since our last post, I will simply update you on what our writing staff is currently up to. Runs with Two Horses would still rather eat cat litter than look at Greg Paulus, and I'm sure is building the same feelings for Kyle Singler. Natty and Leonard graduated from law school and have moved on to prestigious legal jobs, though I imagine they still spend a lot of time compiling lists of their favorite jerseys and college players. As for me, well, despite my complaints last year, I am in my second year of law school and mine grammar have not gotten better. Yes, we do all still pee sitting down.

I hope we didn't lose any of you over this six month hiatus. I hope you all still checked the blog every day hoping for a new post. I hope you all got excited when Runs posted our picture of Tim Legler (whom we met during the bachelor party weekend) only to be let down when we didn't continue posts. I just hope we haven't lost you, because we want you back. We broke your heart. Cat Stevens was right - the first cut is the deepest. But let's just try to forget about all that now. We got your letters. We got your drunken phone calls. We heard the rumors you spread about us all over campus. We'll be honest, it kind of threw salt in our game when we were at parties. But all is forgiven on our side. We hope you can do the same. We can just start out as friends with benefits to gain your trust again. We won't make it official or anything. Just a movie, a little toungue kissing and that's it. Then we can see what happens. To start off here is a quick preview of some college players to keep your eye on.

Names You've Heard:
Psycho T
Darren Collison
Chris Lofton
Chris Douglas-Roberts (the man with three first names)
Brandon Rush

Names You've Heard (Freshman Edition):
OJ Mayo
Patrick Patterson
Derrick Rose (favorite TV show is "Still Standing")
Kevin Love
Eric Gordon
Bill Walker (hybrid, redshirt)
Nick Calethas

Names You Haven't Heard, But Will:
Tyler Smith
Stephen Curry
Darrel Arhur
Earl Clark
Jodie Meeks

Still Hated:
Greg Paulus
Gerald Henderson
Jon Scheyer
Martynas Pocius
Brian Zoubek
DeMarcus Nelson

All Americans:
Tywon Lawson
Chris Lofton
Brandon Rush
Psycho T
Roy Hibbert

Names You'll Here, But Shouldn't Have:
Mark Coury Flurry
Edgar Sosa
Josh Heytvelt
Dan Werner

Kentucky opens their season against Central Arkansas in less than an hour and I've got some preparing to do before I realize Kentucky isn't going to be as good as I think they will be.

Tim Legler Loves Rollercoasters and Tits

2007-07-05T20:42:00.000-04:00

We think this picture pretty much sums up the wild ride that has been AwesomeUSA! Thanks for joining us along the way. We'd especially like to thank everyone for dealing with my personal struggle to deal with my sexuality; Natty's extreme hatred of the Jews; for Leonard's unfortunate exile to the jungle mandated by that terrible boardgame, Jumanji; and of course, for Thelonius wearing looseneck Mickey Mouse t-shirts, following former NBA players around, and smiling creepily during extremely intense rollercoaster rides.

P.S. This isn't necessarily the end of AwesomeUSA!, I don't have the power to make that decision. I mean, hell, Jericho is still on TV, right?

The Lottery Approaches

2007-05-21T23:48:00.001-04:00

The NBA Lottery is Tuesday night, and I’m already excited about figuring out where the top players will be heading. I definitely have some preferences, but I’m guessing the odds will win out and destroy my fantastical hopes of how the ping pong balls will bounce. This year, I think winning the lottery is really getting either of the top two picks, so I’m basing my preferred lottery winners on where I would like to see Oden and Kid Nut Raven play next season. Here are the odds for getting either the first or second pick in the lottery.

Memphis 46.5%

Boston 38.7%

Milwaukee 31.3%

Suns (Atlanta) 24.5%

Seattle 18.5%

Portland 11.3%

Minnesota 11.3%

Charlotte 4.1%

Chicago (NY) 4.1%

Sacramento 3.9%

Atlanta (Indy) 1.7%

Philly 1.5%

New Orleans 1.3%

LA Clippers 1.1%

I think it would be interesting to see Oden and Durant both end out on Eastern Conference rosters, because that could shift the power away from the West, and I think that is sort of reflected in my lottery preference. This is not the actual order that I would like for the lottery. It’s just the order of teams that I would like to have either of the top-two picks.

14. Atlanta – First of all, they’ll ruin whoever they get. Although I’ve bashed Oden, I do want to see him turn into a the player he can be in the NBA. It would just be frustrating watching the Hawks try to fit Josh Smith, Josh Childress, Marvin Williams, Kevin Durant, and whoever their foreign small forward is on the floor at the same time. A team of small forwards, you like the sound of that, Leonard? Secondly, remember the Hawks have two lotto picks, but one of them belongs to the Suns if the pick isn’t in the top three. We have to root for the Suns to reel in an Al Horford, Joakim Noah, or Jeff Green, rather than get hosed by the lottery. I must admit a bit of curiosity to see what would happen if the Hawks actually won the top two picks in the draft. I mean, they’d still manage to screw it up, but how? They also still wouldn’t be able to sell out their arena. So sad.

13. Sacramento – these guys had their chance and don’t deserve another bite at the apple. I’d rather see a franchise player go to a younger team.

12. Portland – I guess they’ve cleaned up their image, but they’re still in salary cap hell, and I think Zach Randolph could poison Durant or Oden…literally, I think he might actually put poison in their Gatorade. I don’t know why he’d do it, but I also don’t know why he wears a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfit to every game.

11. Seattle – I never saw this low coming for the Sonics during the heyday of the Payton-Schrempf-Kemp teams of the mid-90’s. Perhaps no team has drafted worse the last few years than Seattle, and I don’t think they deserve to be rewarded for that. They deserve that Chinese power forward, Yi Jianlian, and I have no doubt that’s who they will end up with. The Sonics and Hawks are in an arms race. The Hawks are stockpiling small forwards, and the Sonics are going after project big men. So far everybody else is winning.

10. Philly – that guy on House of Payne is trying to use his remote to turn his enormous wife into Beyonce! His REMOTE!!! Hilarious. Any team blessed with Allen Iverson for this long shouldn’t get to have another player that will be incredibly special from Day One. Maybe they can have OJ Mayo next year.

9. Milwaukee – I like the collection of players the Bucks have, and I could see them becoming something pretty decent, but I don’t appreciate their tankfest at the end of the season. The good people of Milwaukee know better, and the Bucks’ brass should as well. Play the game the right way. I just worry that nobody would care if Oden or Durant went to Milwaukee—possibly the least interesting team in the league. One time we completely eradicated the Bucks roster on NBA Live and replaced it with Andre 3000 as the starting point guard, Richie Farmer as the two-guard, Cutter Calhoun at the small forward, Mr. Faceman at the 4, and the Notorious Third Legg holding down the fort in the paint. That Bucks team would be approximately ten jillion times more fun to watch than last years’ team…and yes, I’m even factoring Charlie Villanueva’s lack of eyebrows into that equation.

Memphis – same principle as Milwaukee. I’m just not going to be too excited about them getting Oden or Durant. Let them slip to number three and bring the Tennessee native, Brandan Wright, back home.

LA Clippers -- if they let Maggette rot at the end of the bench, then who is to say the same wouldn’t happen with Durant. And I don’t want anyone taking away Chris Kaman’s minutes, so keep Oden far far away. That said, I think the Clips are probably a Durant away from being a legit contender, and Elton Brand works too hard to be on teams perpetually futile.

Indy -- the Pacers own the rights to their lottery pick only if it's in the top three (technically, they can keep the pick if it's in the top ten, but that's only mathematically possible if they win one of the top three picks). I'd love to see Jermaine O'Neal get a legit running mate, but with all those goofy white guys, where are the minutes? The best justification for hoping the Pacers get Durant or Oden is that either of those guys might be enticing enough for Larry Bird to name himself head coach again.

Minnesota – I wouldn’t mind seeing Garnett get a legit running-mate. And if Oden landed in Minny, Garnett’s intensity would force big Greg to become a great player. Garnett, Foye, and Oden or Durant could be a very formidable threesome next year. And nobody appreciates a good threesome more than this guy.

Charlotte -- I love the Bobcats’ nucleus, but I’m worried that MJ would micro-manage too much if he had Greg or Kid Nut Raven. I don’t think you can really blame Kwame Brown’s entire career on MJ, but I don’t think he helped. If the Bobcats got the number one pick, I honestly don’t know who they would take. They already have Okafur and May down low, and that duo has been very tough when healthy. They also have Morrison (the third pick last year) at Durant’s position. I feel like the Bobcats need a really strong scorer, but considering the health woes of their bigs, maybe Oden is the safer pick.

Boston – they have a team built for the future. A superstar in Paul Pierce already there, and young guys at every other position. Oden could really allow Boston to spread the floor and let Pierce, Rondo, and Green isolate against inferior athletes, which would be fun to watch. Durant would make it extremely tough to double Pierce, so we could see Paul going for over 30 a night. I hate seeing the Celtics suck this badly, but I feel like they’ve been trying to suck for the last two years all building up to tomorrow night. They should have learned in 1997 that you can’t count on getting

New Orleans -- Another team that has a nucleus I really like. But they have greater needs at the 3 and 5 than Charlotte. I would love to see Chris Paul operating with a legit star, and I have some lingering sympathy for the city of New Orleans.

Chicago – The Bulls really feel like a team that is a player away. Deng, Gordon, and company are all very good players, but none have the feel of a super star. Oden or Durant could bring that flair that is lacking in Chicago and immediately put them over the top. But let’s be honest, I just really want to see one of these guys get picked by the team that owns New York’s unprotected first round pick. Even Atlanta was smart enough to at least protect its pick for one of the most top-heavy drafts in the last twenty years.

Mustache Rides in Lexington

2007-05-16T16:02:00.000-04:00

Patrick Patterson ended his ass-kissing extravaganza and finally picked UK. This undoes all the hurt left on Black Monday when Jai Lucas, Mikey Sanchez, and my Facebook friend, Beas Hamga all decided to go elsewhere. I'm still a little confused that Hamga's guardian was really concerned about the UK faithful exerting undue influence over the naive Cameroonian, and felt that he needed to be in a place that was a little more sheltered....like Las Vegas. No sense worrying about that though, Patrick is bringing his mustache, penchant for rebounds, and all my wildest dreams with him to Lexington.

I’ll even give Tubby an assist on this one. Patterson was the rare recruit that Tubby set his sights on extremely early, and I think Tubby’s diligence helped bring in the big fella. But it sounds like Gillispie’s in home visit was what really clinched it. Billy Clyde’s organization and full-bore attention to everything in Patterson’s life made this possible. I also think Alex Legion deserves being mentioned in this recruitment. He's been calling Patterson because they played together over the summer, and he just has a cool name, so I assume people like him. Hopefully Legion is able to sway his Oak Hill teammate, Brandon Jennings to come to Lexington too (for more on Jennings, check out some highlights accompanied by some sweet beats that Leonard was dropping). Patterson is the first high-profile legitimate power forward inked by UK since they brought in Jason Parker in 2000 and Chuck Hayes in 2001. It’s a shame that Patterson won’t get to play alongside Randolph, but Patterson made himself a building block for the future of the UK program, and UK seems well on their way to putting many more talented pieces around him.

Patterson really boosts decent recruiting class that already included top-tier shooting guard, Alex Legion, forward A.J. Stewart, and Shrek (Mike Williams). I honestly think this brings UK’s class to top-fifteen status nationally. Is signing Patterson a big enough deal for me to get drunk before five? You bet your ass it is.

Off the Respirator

2007-05-13T21:16:00.000-04:00

Clear…..and we’re back. Thanks to the healing powers of Baron Davis’s beard Awesome USA! is ready to get it back together. We apologize to our valued readers for our lack of diligence. I could make a lot of excuses, but that’s not how I play the game. We let you down and now we’ll do everything in our power to regain your trust. Fortunately, not much has happened in the wide world of sports since our last post. Pretty much just the first 1.5 rounds of the NBA playoffs, the NFL draft, the biggest horse race of the year, the fight to save boxing, and one big, naked German doing aquatic gymnastics in my grandparents’ pool. Don’t expect any continuity to this post, I’ll just do the James Joyce-inspired stream of consciousness sports writing that has garnered fame and riches for so many great writers before me.

I am still confused by people who complain about the Jazz being a boring team to watch. I think AK-47, Deron Williams, and Mehmet Okur are three of the more enjoyable players to watch.

Kirilenko has become the official Swiss Army Knife of the NBA (my condolences, KG). He does everything on the court and runs the offense for the Jazz pretty damn well when Utah is put in a tough spot. I’ve heard that it is amazing to watch Williams in person because it is so rare to see someone so big and strong that can move as fluidly as he does. And I’m a sucker for Okur, because he has a great jumper, the Euro-trash hair cut, and he even hits the boards. Throw in Carlos Boozer’s awesome chest hair, Gordon Giricek’s name, and the Jazz are simply a treasure. I’d be remiss to leave out the fact that Jerry Sloan is an outstanding coach, and Natty would gladly perform any disgusting sex act to please Jerry. By the way, Giricek, Kirilenko, Okur, Williams, and Boozer form probably the closest thing to an all-white starting five in the NBA that we’ll see until the Germans take over—remember that Boozer is Alaskan. Speaking of Boozer, is he actually an Eskimo…if so, does that prove that Eskimos are real? Does Carlos also ride a unicorn to games? Natty, please help me out here.

This endorsement of the Jazz comes with a caveat, because Carlos Boozer’s white head on his forehead in Game 2 set the HD revolution back at least four years.

In my most recent post (seven months ago) I mentioned that Mike Vick is allegedly a wine connoisseur. I wasn’t sure where to go with that then, but now we know that he is the one and only wine connoisseur/dog fight promoter out there. But seriously, there is nothing more delightful than enjoying a nice Chianti while watching two half-starved dogs try to kill each other. Due to my love of animals and loathing of wine snobs, I no longer endorse Mike Vick….not even for use in Madden. So yeah, it’s pretty serious. I think his career is becoming as disappointing as Ryan Leaf's.

Calvin Borel is probably the best thing to happen to the Derby in the last ten years. That post-race interview was outstanding. My favorite part was when one of the reporters asked him how it felt to win the Derby with the Queen in attendance, and he started laughing hysterically and sarcastically replied that it meant the world to him. With Jake Delhomme’s recent decline, Calvin has easily become my favorite Cajun athlete.

Oh yeah, Ricky Williams failed a drug test….for marijuana. He received this unexpected news while listening to some Bob Marley riffs and eating Doritos after finishing a yoga routine at his Holistic healing center.

I guess nothing should surprise me less than Pacman Jones doing something stupid, but unless I misunderstood something, he actually came straight from a strip club to his meeting with Roger Goodell. Did he think Goodell wasn’t going to be able to detect the sweet smell of stripper all over Mr. Jones? Well let me tell you all something: Roger knows the smell of strippers like the back of his hand, and only and idiot would try to sneak that past Goodell. I guess it is easy to forget that being a football player is actually a profession for these guys…you know since they technically only work sixteen days a year and when they do that, they wear skin tight pants and helmets…but think if Pacman had a regular job and did these things. Not only does he not deserve to play in the NFL, but he doesn’t deserve to have any job.

UK Basketball is back on the rise. Any doubters out there are idiots. I’m not saying that Billy Clyde Gillispie will restore UK to the dominance of the mid-90’s--you can only dream of putting teams that dominant together, expecting it is too much. Gillispie is bringing a freshness and aggressiveness to the program that has been lacking for the past few years. I love Gillispie’s attitude. Whereas Tubby required players that fit into a specific role Tubby envisioned for them, Gillispie simply wants talented players. If he gets talented players, he’s confident that he’s a good enough coach to form those players into a dominating team. Tubby fixed his sights on a top prospect with a long-distance backup plan. His answer to missing Brandan Wright was letting Mark Coury walk onto the team. Gillispie appears to be happy just recruiting four or five prospects at a position of need and believing that any one of those guys is capable of being a star. The fact that Patterson and Lucas are still considering UK just shows that the program was pitching itself, not the coach. That's all for now bitches, but we're going to try to right this ship. Keep Thelonius in your thoughts.

P.S. I'm looking for a man date for a wedding in Tennessee. My wife is probably going to bail on me. Please submit applications. Preference for candidates who appreciate 80's music....and body shots.

Recruiting Sagas

2007-04-23T13:20:00.000-04:00

The college basketball recruiting process is almost over. Usually at this time of the year it is pretty much over. In the past there only remained a few players debating whether or not to go to college or be drafted by the Portland Trailblazers. But this year has been different, players have made recruiting a 24 hour soap opera that has lasted since last October until now. And I have a little news for these recruits - only hopeless romantic housewives and Jimmy Wood enjoy soap operas.

In truth, it has been a smart move by these recruits, namely, Patrick Patterson and Jai Lucas to wait until the absolutely last opportunity to make a decision. There have been an unusual amount of coaching changes this offseason and they are keeping their names in the press far longer than many of the other high school phenoms. In many ways, their names have become bigger than OJ Mayo, Kevin Love, Derrick Rose, Eric Gordon and Michael Beasley the most talented five of this class. However, high expectations for college freshman seldomly go as planned. Kevin Durant had very little national hype coming onto the college scene last year because he was an early commitment to Texas. Greg Oden had the most hype and never really fulfilled it until his nasty fucking block against Tennessee in the tournament. (That block and the national championship game solidifed him as the number one pick in this summer's draft.) Anyway, my biggest fear is that PPat and Jai have set fan expectations too high by marketing themselves as the two biggest recruits for a host of talent depleted college teams - Kentucky, Florida, and Duke. Is it really their fault? Not really. I honestly believe it is a very difficult decision for both of them.

The difference with recruting these days is that talented kids have a large number of schools to consider. Rivals.com usually has at least 10 schools listed that each athlete is considering. You don't have to attend Kentucky, UCLA, Indiana, Duke, Kansas, or North Carolina to get noticed on a national scene. Players sometimes enhance their NBA stock by playing on less talented teams where they are able to shine and get as many minutes and shots as they want. However, for mid-level kids who aren't automatically making the jump after their first year, I think it is a lot smarter to play for one of the big six schools. As a college athlete, especially in basketball, you want to be playing late in the NCAA tournament. That means you want to be playing for a damn good team. NBA scouts love the NCAA tournament, and love players who play well in the NCAA tournament. Just ask Corey Brewer, Joakim Noah, Mike Conley Jr., and Al Horford in two months. As a player you want to give yourself the most exposure on the national scene as possible, and that means playing for a team that is good. There are of course exceptions, players that made a name for themselves on worse teams who made big runs in the NCAA tournament. (See Bryce Drew.) This brings me to the point of my post:

I don't understand why there aren't more versions of the FAB five, or Florida's version this year, the completely annoying five. If I were a top 50 talent, I would want to play with other players in my class who I had chemistry with. These guys play in camps, AAU, and highschool ball with each other for years before coming to college and have to have developed relationships with one another, not in the Christain Laettner/Bobby Hurley way, but in a "hey we could play well together" way. I don't think Randolph Morris, Joe Crawford, and Rajon Rondo liked each other at all. In fact, I think they genuinly disliked Rajon. OJ Mayo and Bill Walker spoke all through highschool about playing together, but now they aren't. That's why the FAB five was such a special thing, and why, as much as I hate to say it, Florida's team this year was a special thing. If only my friends and I were taller, more athletic, better basketball players, and had a better work ethic. It could have been great.

The Walter Herrmann Story

2007-04-21T21:19:00.000-04:00

Sadly, many of our valued readers have only recently become acquainted with the life-changing experience that is Walter Herrmann. When words won't suffice, Awesome USA! turns to the power of video. Due to his raging popularity and soaring stock, I fear that I will never be able to afford my coveted Walter Herrmann jersey.

Why I Hate Greg Oden

2007-04-11T22:12:00.000-04:00

Delayed response? Yeah, I guess you could say that. But the more I think about Greg Oden, the more he pisses me off. Let me count the ways. First of all, I’m sick of him looking older than Mr. McAtee, the guy who has been collecting my parents’ garbage for 19 years. In an unrelated note, Mr. McAtee’s entire family is involved in his garbage collecting business. One time the garbage truck was broken and they had to use somebody’s old Cadillac, complete with two guys standing on the rear bumper with the trunk open as if the Caddy was a real garbage truck. His niece asked me for a beer once when I was nine years old. I felt guilty because I thought my racist dogs hurt black people’s feelings when they barked at them, so she did get a beer.

I also hate how big of a deal people made about Oden’s left-handed free-throw shooting. If he could make 90% with his right hand, I’d be way more impressed than 60% with his left. The guy is supposed to be the best center prospect since Bill Russell, and we’re supposed to do back-flips because he can make three out of five free throws with his left hand? I’ll hold my applause. There’s actually a chance Mike Conley Jr. could end out being a better pro than Oden (I’ll give it a 20% chance, just for the hell of it).

If refs didn’t give Oden nine fouls a game I don’t think anyone would know for sure if he was better than Hasheem Thabeet (who sucks, by the way). Of course, Greg slacked off for most of the season and totally redeemed himself at the end of the season. I know he’s good, and probably on track to become historically great, but absolutely everything he did came with a caveat. The annihilation of Wisconsin in the Big 10 tournament (which came without Brian Butch, and then we saw just how much that meant when Wisconsin bowed out in the first weekend), then there was Oden helping OSU to come back against Xavier (with an intentional foul no-call of Laettneresque proportions), the amazing block at the end of the game against Tennessee (on a wild shot that probably wasn’t going in, taken but UT’s fourth best player), and the no-show against Georgetown. I’ll give him the championship game, but let’s be honest, that game was never as close as the score indicated, Oden wasn’t doubled once, and he still fagged out at the end. He also should have had about 12 technicals during the course of the tournament from doing chin-ups on the rim. If Greg tries to do that to Danny Fortson next year, it will be a blood bath.

Now to the real beef of my argument. We all know that Oden is a big time scholar. He loves to learn, and school means a lot to him. Greg is having a hard time deciding whether or not to go pro because he wants to get a degree. Let’s work this out. Is there any way Oden stays all four years? No. Can he graduate in two years? Not unless he’s going for the sociology degree that all those Duke players favor. Weigh out the risk versus reward, Greg. You could either go pro, and get enough money so you can always go back and get that teaching certificate you fancy so much, or you could risk a major injury and actually have to rely on said teaching certificate. Can you imagine having Greg Oden as a high school teacher? I’d throw rocks at him everyday to remind him how smart he was to go back to school. I think Oden is stringing everyone along so that people talk about his big decision instead of justifiably continuing to marvel at Kid Nut Raven.

Aside

Factoid of the tourney that I found most amusing à Billy Packer said “fag out” and it wasn’t a Joakim Noah reference. HEEEYYYOOO!! I’ll be here all weekend.

Did anyone see Nate Robinson pretend like he was going to get in a fight when the Bulls ran the score up on the Knicks last night? Honestly, how small is that guy’s penis? And how awkward do you think it was in Renaldo Balkman tried to get Randolph Morris fired up in case there actually was a fight? Does Isaiah just let Randolph hibernate at the end of the bench?

I’m sorry that nobody on the blog has written about this, but apparently Mike Vick is a wine connoisseur. I don’t really know what to do with this, but I think it’s funny.

The NFL draft is quickly approaching and my beloved Cowboys filled all their needs with second-tier talent via free agency. This puts them in a great position to take the best player available. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but I’m holding out for Steve Lattimer, the face-painted maniac of fame from The Program. With the dawn of HGH, Lattimer’s dome is bigger than Jason Kidd’s son’s head.

I feel obligated to add that I might be the happiest person about the emergence of Walter Herrmann. He plays for the Bobcats, who I'm convinced will be a dynasty within three years (I just ignore the Michael Jordan personnel decisions and keep believing what I want). He is Argentinian, but has a blonde ponytail. He has an awesome name, and he completely dominated Team USA with his dazzling array of screens and hustle plays back in '04. I'm disappointed that the true American Dream had to come from South America, but I can't begrudge Walter for that. I told Natty three years ago that I was going to buy a Walter Herrmann Argentina National Team jersey, but I didn't have any money. Then I married a woman who can afford to support my addictions to cocaine and porn, but she draws the line at supporting foreign players. C'est la vie.

Dominant College Basketball Players--The Top 5

2007-04-09T17:26:00.000-04:00

This is the final installment in a series of posts examining the most dominant college basketball players since the 1990-91 season. Without further ado, here are the Top 5.

1) Jason Williams (Duke): Absolutely did whatever he wanted on the court. All the more amazing because he was almost always the shortest man on the court. Amazing strength enabled him to get to the basket. I will admit he got a lot of calls, but, because he was the aggressor, he forced the officials to give him the benefit of the doubt. Fearless in crunch time. When I watched him at Duke in the waning minutes of big games, I felt sure he would hit whatever shot he put up or at least get to the line. Didn’t seem to matter how many hands were in his face when shooting 3s. One of the most underrated clutch shooters of all time. And with all his scoring (career average of 19 points per game), he was also great at setting up his teammates (never averaged less than 5 assists per contest). Willed his team to wins. Yes, he had an excellent supporting class, but he was simply on another level. A very good defender when he needed to be as well, in large part because he overpowered opposing point guards. The most explosive little man I’ve ever seen. Great body control and balance. Low center of gravity enabled him to pinball his way through traffic, and his upper body strength allowed him to finish. Played a little out of control at times, but still an incredibly intelligent player. Perhaps the ultimate team leader. Elevated the play of those around him. He also worked his ass off, which is saying something when you’re as talented as this guy. Almost always the hardest working player on the court. Bottom line: imposed his will on the game like no one I’ve ever seen before or since. I hope he gets another shot in the NBA.

2) Larry Johnson (UNLV): If he had had the ball in his hands as much as Jason Williams did, he would be number 1. As a point guard, Williams just had more opportunities to dominate. Still, LJ powered his way through smaller defenders and drove past the big guys. He was an excellent defender and totally underrated on that end of the floor (largely because of Stacy Augmon’s defensive excellence). Make no mistake, though, Grandmama was a lock-down defender. His strength and intelligence on the offensive end made it almost impossible to deny him the ball on any given possession. Had a truly multi-faceted game. Pretty good mid-range jump shot. Excellent facing up and spotting teammates, and even better on the dribble-drive and with his back to the basket. For all that that was made of his ability to put the ball on the floor and get the hoop, he also had an excellent post-up game. Amazing basketball instincts. Tremendous finisher on the break in a style reminiscent of Charles Barkley. Incredible rebounder, despite giving up inches to other power forwards. Averaged at least 20 points and 10 rebounds per contest during both his seasons in Vegas. Perhaps the most intimidating college basketball player I’ve ever witnessed (including Shaq). Even if he wasn’t the most dominant college basketball player I’ve ever seen, he was, in my opinion, the best.

3) Shaquille O’Neal (LSU): It feels silly to try to explain why Shaq was dominant. Well, here’s a short list—the sheer size of the behemoth; his explosiveness and surprising quickness; even in college, he had a high basketball I.Q. for a center; dominates games without alienating teammates; likeable leader; strongest player to ever lace up a pair of sneakers; good hands; great with his back to the basket. As a collegian, he wasn’t even close to the passer he is today. While Shaq has definitely improved since making the leap to the NBA, he was also incredibly dominant in college. Averaged 12 rebounds or more in all 3 seasons as a Tiger. As a sophomore, O’Neal averaged 27.6 ppg. The fact that Christian Laettner was invited to be a member of the Dream Team was an absolute disgrace. Shaq was more dominant even back then. Would be hard not to rank the Big Aristotle number one if his Bayou Bengals had reached a Final Four. By the way, now is the time for Jumping Bull to make his Todd Lindeman Top 5 push.

4) Tim Duncan (Wake Forest): Was the professor of post-up moves by the beginning of his junior year. Always seemed mature beyond his years. However, his stoic demeanor never kept his from being a great team leader. One of the most underrated and intelligent defenders I’ve ever witnessed. The 102 blocks he registered as a senior marked the lowest season total of his career. Athletic interior opponents who lacked post skills and basketball I.Q. were easy prey for the Big Fundamental, even during his days at Wake. Always made it look easy—no wasted effort in Duncan’s game. When he played against the ACC powers, you could read the opposing coaches’ faces—“How did we miss this guy?” The fact that he stayed in school just makes it that much harder to leave him out of the Top 3. While he dominated nearly every match-up he faced, he disappeared from games more often than the guys in the Top 3 (but that doesn’t mean he disappeared very often). Didn’t take the Demon Deacons far enough in the tourney to break into the Top 3. Then again, the college game is dominated by guard play, and I think Timmy is rated a little lower because of it. Someone that played 4 years of Division I college basketball deserved to be on this list. Put up excellent numbers his entire career (as a senior, he averaged 20 points and 14 rebounds per game), but, as is the case with his professional career, Duncan’s impact can’t be reduced to mere numbers.

5) Corliss Williamson (Arkansas): During his time in Fayetteville, he was the Charles Barkley of college basketball. The ultimate tweener, Corliss outmuscled smaller opponents and drove around immobile post players. He had a great supporting class, but it was Williamson that made the Razorbacks champions. He was also a great leader and an incredible competitor. No one played harder (or rougher). He was fierce in the post, sacrificing his body for his team and bullying the opposition. Corliss could get out and finish on the break with the best of them. Finally, Williamson knew how to win and made his teammates better from the power forward position, which is often hard to do in the guard-dominated collegiate game. Career averages of 19 ppg and 7 rpg.

Glaring omissions? Stupid choices? Let me have it.

Lukasz Obrzut--"Grocery Monster"

2007-04-05T15:45:00.000-04:00

Last night, Friends of a Feather, two comrades of Awesome USA! and lovers of all things Cincinnati, ran into everyone’s favorite former Wildcat—Lukasz Obrzut—at Kroger. This is their story.

Before we get to Obrzut, we need to introduce you to another character in this story. As we walked into the store we were stopped in the cart area by a Hispanic-looking man, who didn’t seem to know where he was. He wanted one of us to get on the phone with his girlfriend to give her directions to where he was so she could pick him up (more on this later). After that exchange, we proceeded into the store. While sitting at the deli, we noticed a large shadow fall over us. Upon turning around, we realized that Lukasz Obrzut had made his way into the deli section of the grocery and was now towering over us. Wu was with a woman who appeared to be his mother, although she only stood about 5-feet tall. Apparently, Wu’s mom is a ballet dance instructor because she was wearing tights and dance shoes. Anyway, without trying, we repeatedly found ourselves in the same aisle as the Obrzuts. While we couldn’t understand what they were saying (Polish is not our strong suit), we were able to make some observations.

1.The Obrzuts really like Capri Sun.

2.The Obrzuts enjoy a variety of milks. In fact, they had 3 different containers of 2% milk, all different sizes and brands (one Kroger half gallon, one Dean’s gallon, and also a paper carton half gallon).

3.The Obrzuts will not tolerate incompetence. They seemed to be upset at the deli manager’s response that the butcher was closed and they would not be able to obtain any more meat (Polish sausage I’m guessing).

4.The Obrzuts do not adhere to conventional grocery-shopping techniques. They had a large flower taking up a lot of room in one of their two carts. Their solution to this lack of space was to place their groceries on the bottom rung of the cart (fruit and cartons of milk), which is usually reserved for drinks and laundry soap. Also on this bottom rung, they had one mango and two different containers of strawberries, some in a bag and some in a plastic crate.

5.The Obrzuts will not be hurried during check-out. It takes a while to check out when you are operating on the patented 2-cart Obrzut system, but they put this time to use. First Mrs. Wu left and came back with three more boxes of Capri Sun. This brings their total to approximately 20 boxes of Capri Sun—not bags, boxes. Then, when they were almost finished checking out, Momma Wu sent Wu to get a single item, but he came back with his hands full. We’re talking three rolls of paper towels, a package of toilet paper, some paper plates, and a 50 pack of plastic cups. Once back he made sure to remove his U.S. army lanyard from his neck and have them swipe his Kroger card which turned out to be a good move because they saved over $35. We’re not sure what their total was, but $35 in Kroger savings, wow.

6.We’re not sure what type of party they were planning to throw – we just wish we were invited.

We walked into the parking lot to load our groceries as Wu was finishing loading his into a large F150. As we were leaving, the same Hispanic gentleman from earlier showed up at the window from nowhere with a Corona in his hand. Unexpectedly, he shoved a brown paper bag through our window and said “many thanks.” As we pulled away, we looked to see what he had given us. The Hispanic gentleman had rewarded us with the remaining 3 Coronas from his sixer. He had apparently spent his time well while waiting for his ride.

Apparently It's Opening Night

2007-04-02T00:40:00.000-04:00

With all the madness that has been going ons lately you might have failed to realize that baseball season began tonite with the St. Louis Cardinals and New York Mets - a rematch of last year's something important game. In fact, I did forget about baseball season, and when asked if I was watching the game tonite responded, "Dont' you mean tommorow night?" As the blogger who resides in the city of the defending champions, I thought it fitting that I give a preview of the upcoming season.

Every team will swing wooden bats at the baseball. Some will strike out. Some will get out. Some will reach a base. And some will hit a home run. Pitching seems to be very important. The players will try to throw the ball fast enough that the other player cannot hit it. It will usually be called a strike. Players will also steal a base, but only occasionally.

The St. Louis Cardinals are the defending champions and people tell me they are still good. Albert Pujols hits a lot of homeruns and the other players do well too. They were red.

The Chicago Cubs also play baseball. They have ivy on the wall of their field. My friend Brandon really likes them. People in St. Louis do not.

The New York Yankees usually do well and I hear they spend a lot of money on their players. Chuck Knoblach is their star player.

The New York Mets also play baseball and do pretty well. But I don't know what a Met is or looks like.

The Boston Red Sox are also an important team. It would behoove you to learn how to pronouce their new star pitcher. He wore a lot of fur coats on ESPN and that is usually a sign that he is paid well and talented. He will throw a lot of pitches this year and a lot of them will be strikes, which will result in outs. Outs are a good thing in baseball. Allowing homeruns and hits is a bad thing.

The Other Team That Lost To The Cardinals should also be pretty good and they were supposed to beat the Cardinals last year in the championship game. I think they have some pretty good players who are still on the team.

So that's your 2007 Baseball preview. If you are playing in a fantasy league this year pick the players who hit a lot or pitch a lot of strikes. They will give you high points and will help you win any league. I am predicting a repeat championship for the Cardinals and also good years for the other teams. I think there are some teams not mentioned here, but they aren't really important. If you are lucky enough to have tickets to any professional baseball games this year I suggest you scalp them, go to a bar, order some drinks, and hope basketball season isn't over yet. Have fun out there!

Dominant College Basketball Players--Numbers 6 & 7 and Current Players

2007-03-30T02:09:00.000-04:00

This is the next to last installment in a series of post examining the most dominant college basketball players since the 1990-91 season. In this edition, I reveal the numbers 6 & 7 most dominant players and examine where current players might fit into all of this.

6) Jamal Mashburn (Kentucky): Along with Rick Pitino, Mashburn put UK basketball back on the map. I’ve heard it argued before that Mashburn was the single most important recruit to an individual program...ever. It’s hard to argue with that. Mashburn’s arrival in Lexington made it OK for top-tier players to come to the Bluegrass again. I really do believe that Monster Mash was indirectly responsible (although Pitino was obviously the main force) for the collection of talent that came together in Lexington in ’96. His game was ridiculous. Hard to pick out a more versatile player. Overpoweringly strong in the post and even better facing the basket, he was an offensive juggernaut who took pride in hitting the boards. His defense could have been better, but now I’m starting to nitpick.

7) Grant Hill (Duke): Until late in his Duke career, Hill never had to be “the guy” for the Blue Devils. However, he was the epitome of dominance during the season in which he took Duke to the Finals against Arkansas (his senior season). Hill was always an excellent all-around player, but I never really thought he made those around him better. He lacked that killer instinct that makes the great players great. Unselfish almost to a fault. However, despite these criticisms, Hill was perhaps the most talented all-around player that the college game has ever seen. Ultra smooth with the ball in his hands but decidedly uncool. (I know that description kind of sounds like I'm dogging Hill. It's just that I felt like I had to justify his exclusion from the Top 5, which is hard to do.)

Current Players:

As always, this isn’t about the best players. Rather, it’s about the most dominant. Otherwise, Alando Tucker and Arron Afflalo would have made the cut.

There are 4 current players that I think deserve to be on this list.

Glen Davis (LSU): Not even a First or Second Team All-American this year in my book. In fact, I wouldn’t even give him SEC Player of the Year honors. Instead, I’d give Chris Lofton the nod. Still, the Big Infant has put together an excellent career in Baton Rouge, and I think he’s going to be a much better pro than the experts seem to think. Davis would fit into the Overpowering Beasts category, despite the fact that he is remarkably agile for a man his size, or any size for that matter.

Kid Nut Raven (Texas): All year I tried to resist proclaiming Durant the best player in college basketball. After all, Alando Tucker put in a whole career for the Badgers. Alas, what can you do? Durant is incredible. He has a Jordanesque competitive streak and truly seems to make those around him better. That being said, I still wouldn’t draft him ahead of Greg Oden. Give me Oden, I’ll trade for Rashard Lewis, and you can have Durant. You’ll sell some tickets and you might very well have the best player in basketball, but I’ll take the rings. Unless your name is Michael Jordan, big men win championships in the NBA. I’d probably put Durant in the Early Exits category, but, and I hate to admit this, I would also have to consider him for Top 7 status.

Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina): OK, so I’m backing off the whole next Elton Brand thing. He might not be a future Hall of Famer, but I’m still pretty in love with his game. Has anyone ever played harder? Like Davis, I’d probably put him in the Overpowering Beasts category.

Acie Law IV (Texas A&M): Yes, his senior year has probably been considerably better than his first 3 years at TAMU, but it’s not like The Fourth hasn’t put together a nice career. Tremendous in the clutch and a great team leader, it is no coincidence that A&M became a basketball force to reckon with during The Fourth’s stay in College Station. I’d put Law in the Breakthrough Performers category, despite the fact that his scoring average didn’t jump that much this season.

A few more comments on current players.

Corey Brewer (Florida): Would receive serious consideration for The Defenders category but seems to turn it off and on at times.

Nick Fazekas (Nevada): Numbers at Nevada are hard to ignore. Consistently amazing statistices throughout his career. Possibly a Keith Van Horn-type case.

Dominic James (Marquette): Really disappointing this season, but I think he’ll be on this list when it’s all said and done. The second coming of Jameer Nelson.

Joakim Noah (Florida): His energy, ability to run the floor, and passion are unmatched. Still, he’s not as good as Al Horford, and his numbers just don’t support his cause.

Greg Oden (Ohio State): I might need one more year. Then again, it would be hard not to put him in The Defenders category right now. Old Man Greg changes games like no one in recent memory.

Alando Tucker (Wisconsin): Great career. Will be a steal for someone on draft day, but I’m just not willing to call him dominant. Like Arron Afflalo, Tucker’s a tremendous all-around player but lacks that edge that makes him truly dominant.

Dispatch from the Jungle: Precise Location Unknown

2007-03-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

Friends, allow me to indulge your curiosities:
Your first reaction to Natty's question may be to assume that, because of my extreme aversion for short limbs, I hate Wee Man because he has tiny, fat legs. Well, my friends, if that's the arrow you’re shooting, you missed the target by a mile. No, my disdain for Wee Man is not affected by his physical appearance. Let's be honest, he did not choose to be so diminutive in stature, and as many of you know, the wrath of my hatred only falls upon those who are different from myself because of choices they make, like choosing to be a Jew. While I'm not certain whether Wee Man chooses to eat pork, I do know that he has chosen a life of douchebaggery. No one made him shave his farty head, no one forced him to dress like a tool, and certainly, there is no person other than Wee Man who can be blamed for his decision to hold himself in such high regard in various celebrity circles because of his affiliation with a second-rate show on MTV. Wee Man is a fake! He's never contributed anything positive to society, and he's drinking his life away like so many Big Gulps. In fact, the only thing that Wee Man has going for him is that he is not Tim Boling.

Now regarding that fateful intramural battle, I remember it started like any other game upstairs at the Beck Center. Natty was shooting threes from Winchester when he should’ve been blowing by the rest of us, Runs was ball-fakin like an m-f’er, and T.Monk was wearing the ugliest shoes known to man. As for myself, I was running around getting red-faced, averaging my customary 2 baskets per game. Then, what started as your typical held-ball transformed that game into the stuff of myth. To my recollection, the Devastators fired up another brick, and I extended my outstretched arms to grab the rebound. At that same instant, the rotund mound of rebound that was Tim Boling got real ballsy and decided to physically challenge my outright possession of the ball. It was in that very moment that Mr. Boling went from being just another Sig to being forever branded as my arch nemesis.

In a fit of rage rivaled only by that of Bruce Banner, I violently ripped the leather from his chubby grasp. Then, in a rare moment of unbridled anger, I launched the ball at his unsuspecting head while simultaneously spitting in his ear. As a result, the landscape of intramural basketball at Transylvania University was forever altered. You may be asking yourselves “Is Leonard proud of this uncharacteristic act of intramural brutality?” The answer, my friends, is a resounding no. However, it would certainly be a disservice to everyone involved if I were to alter the truth. Thus, the legend lives on.

Also, it’s really hard to get a good hotdog out here, so if one of you guys could stop by Sam’s on Limestone and send me a couple dozen, it would be much appreciated. I know not when I shall return, but the promise of my name living on through this story is all the comfort I need here in my home atop the trees.

With Sincerest Regards,
Leonard

Bron Bron's New Home

2007-03-28T13:28:00.000-04:00

Lebron James is building a new home in a suburb about 20 miles south of Cleveland. The master bedroom's two story closet will be larger than many of the homes in the suburb, which means it will probably be burned to the ground by disgruntled neighbors within the next year. As ESPN reported, "Lebron is building a home fit for a King." But the type of king who felt his home needed to be way too fucking big and expensive - maybe a king like Louis XIV. Here is a list of what the house will include:

Two-story closet in Master Bedroom
Casino
Theatre
Bowling Alley
27x27 foot Dining Room
Barbershop (the actual one from the movie, with the actors playing their respective parts when Lebron needs a haircut)
Large portraits of himself
Statue of himself
3 winding staircases
Gym
Exercise Room
Spa
Sauna
Jacuzzi
Hot Tub
Pool Table/Game Room
Large Pool
5.6 Acres of land
Enough fur coats and jerseys to field seven baseball teams, three football teams and Fat Joe's Terror Squad

Here is what the home will not include:
Taste
Humility

To Kill A Mockingbird

2007-03-26T16:30:00.000-04:00

"Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird."

First, I should note that, by naming this post “To Kill A Mockingbird,” I don’t mean to argue that Tubby Smith was forced out at Kentucky because of his race. And don’t, for a second, dupe yourself into believing that Ol’ Orlando wasn’t forced out. Whatever comes out in the next couple of weeks, regardless of whether Tubby took the Minnesota job before resigning at UK or whether AD Mitch Barnhart was planning on sticking with Tubby for one more season, try to be honest with yourselves. Mitch Barnhart forced him out. Rick Pitino forced him out. Kelenna Azubuike’s failure to get off a shot in overtime against Michigan State forced him out. Joe Crawford’s inability to grasp the game of basketball forced him out. The Florida Gators’ 2005 recruiting class forced him out. Chris Lofton forced him out. Randolph Morris’ lack of character and general indifference to all those that helped him forced him out. To some extent, Tubby forced himself out. But, most significantly, Big Blue Nation forced him out.

I truly believe that Tubby Smith would have been forced out, regardless of his skin color. Make no mistake, race is an issue in Kentucky, just as it is in every state, as much as those condescending northerners would like us to think they’re past all that. We could be talking about Billy Donovan or anyone else, and, if what has transpired under Tubby’s watch had occurred under anyone else’s, rest assured, Big Blue Nation would be calling for his head. As we’ve heard repeated over and over again, success at UK is measured in Final Fours and National Championships, not sissy Elite 8’s and SEC championships.

Take a look at Tubby’s tenure at UK. A better than 75% winning percentage. A national championship. 10 years and 10 NCAA tourney appearances, with no first round exits. 3 Elite 8’s. Plus, 2 number 1 seeds in those tourneys. 5 SEC regular season titles and 5 SEC tourney titles. 2003 Henry Iba Award winner for best coach in college basketball. And don’t forget that Tubby played a large part in the rebuilding efforts at UK as an assistant under Rick Pitino.

There is no doubt that the UK program has been somewhat disappointing (by UK standards) the past 2 seasons. But, ask yourself, would Tubby have been forced out if Kelenna Azubuike gets a shot off against the Spartans in the 2005 Elite 8? If that shot goes in, Tubby is just 2 years removed from a Final 4 appearance, and he’s not going anywhere. Over the course of the last 10 years, I would argue that UK has been one of the 4 most dominant programs in college basketball (along with Connecticut, Duke, and Kansas). In fact, I’d stand by this statement, even if you took away the 1998 national championship season and just looked at the landscape of college basketball over the last 9 years. Put simply, UK has been one of the most dominant programs in college basketball during Tubby’s tenure.

I would argue that the main factor leading to Tubby’s departure was the 2005 recruiting season. The Cats got a much-heralded quartet of supposed future stars—Randolph Morris, Joe Crawford, Rajon Rondo, and Ramel Bradley. Morris, Crawford, and Rondo, all McDonald’s All-Americans, were hailed by Big Blue Nation as the answer to their long (7-year) championship drought. While UK had reeled in the Mother Load, further south, in Gainesville, Pitino-protégé Billy Donovan was putting together a talented, while far less-hyped, class of recruits. The class consisted of a single McDonald American, Corey Brewer, two players with basketball in their blood (Taurean Green and Al Horford), and Joakim Noah. 3 years later, these class’ divergent paths have been well-documented. While the 2005 Florida class has a national championship to their credit, is working on another one, and boasts 3 sure-fire lottery picks, their Bluegrass counterpart has failed on any number of levels. Rondo, the best of the 4, wasn’t exactly interested in team chemistry and left for the NBA after his sophomore year. New York Knick Randolph Morris has epitomized the state of confusion and lack of excitement in UK basketball for the past 2 seasons, never displaying more than an iota of work ethic or loyalty during his stay in Lexington. Joe Crawford may be the least intelligent basketball player that doesn’t play in the post that I have EVER seen at a program in the big 6 conferences. He seems utterly incapable of grasping anything resembling an offense. He seems equally incompetent and lost on the defensive end of the floor. Ramel Bradley, for all of his hard work, has turned out to be nothing more than a slightly above average college point guard with an affinity for pounding his chest, popping his jersey, and displaying the Dynasty symbol to the eRUPPtion zone at altogether awkward moments. Plainly stated, these guys have been flops.

But UK fans can’t complain. These are the types of players they have been dying for Tubby to recruit. That’s not to say that Tubby’s recruiting has been stellar of late. The Perry-Thomas-Obrzut class will most likely look good compared to a Jared Carter class. Still, I don’t buy the “Tubby can’t recruit” argument. It would be hard for anyone to complain about Tubby’s pre-2003 recruiting. So, let’s just look at recruiting from 2003 to the present. Kentucky fans seem to love McDonald’s All-Americans (I admit that all fans do). Anyway, from 2003 to the present, there have been 120 McDonald’s All-Americans. 118 of those can be assigned to a college team or the NBA. 20 went to the NBA. 11 went to Duke. (By the way, to put into perspective just how dominant Duke recruiting has been for the last 5 years, consider that the Big 10 landed 11 McDonald’s All-Americans as a conference. The SEC also landed 11.) Anyway, Kansas has landed 8 Big Mac All-Stars, though David Padgett, Micah Downs, and J.R. Giddens have all since transferred. North Carolina has reeled in 7 All-Americans. Ohio State and Texas each got 5. Arizona and UCLA are next with 4 apiece. Georgetown, Georgia Tech, LSU, Syracuse, and Kentucky landed 3 McDonald’s All-Americans over this 5-year period. As I mentioned before, 2 of those 120 talented high schoolers can’t be assigned to the NBA or a college team…yet—Patrick Patterson and Jai Lucas. UK appears to have (or, possibly, have had) a shot with both of these talented high schoolers. If you add Patterson and Lucas to UK’s totals, that puts the Wildcats at 5, tied for fourth in the nation and right behind Duke, Kansas, and UNC. I’m not saying that this proves that Tubby is a great recruiter and that UK fans have nothing to complain about, I’m just trying to put things into perspective, something that seems to be lacking in Lexington.

The best argument I’ve heard from a UK fan as to why Tubby’s departure is a good thing goes something like this: “Sometimes change is good for change’s sake.” I actually agree with this, and maybe it is time for a change. But UK, and, more specifically, Mitch Barnhart, better have a plan in place. As much as some UK fans may want to deny it, college basketball has changed. As Runs With Two Horses has pointed out, bringing in a guy like Thad Matta can instantly boost your team to elite status. I would argue that the opposite can also happen.

So, where does UK go from here?

If they can bring in Billy Donovan, Bruce Pearl, Tom Crean, or even Rick Pitino, I think the UK program can go on without skipping a beat. All of these guys have big personalities, and they can recruit. With 3 of Donovan’s 4 juniors potentially leaving this season, now is as good a season as any for Billy D to come to the Bluegrass. However, I would ask all of those Donovan advocates to remember just how soft Donovan’s Florida teams played before he landed his current group of juniors. Pre-2005, Billy D’s teams were known more for their lack of defense and underachieving ways than for their competitiveness and limitless upsides. I can’t see Pearl wanting to leave the love fest that is Knoxville right now, but, considering that he’s pretty much a big goofy jackass with an enormous ego that happens to be a very good college basketball coach, I can see him relishing the limelight that comes from being the head coach at perhaps college basketball’s most storied program. I don’t know what I would do if Tom Crean came to UK. I have a big man-crush on Crean, and, as general rule, I don’t like UK basketball. I just pray that doesn’t happen. I can see Pitino leaving for UK, but I can’t see Tom Jurich being outsmarted by the giant screw-up that is Mitch Barnhart.

If you’ve read my previous posts on college coaching, you know that I would detest the idea of UK bringing in favorite sons John Pelphrey or Travis Ford. It’s all far too incestual and messy for my taste. Plus, if UK wants to go young, Tony Bennett is the choice. However, making the decision to pursue Tony Bennett would require an eye for talent that Mitch Barnhart simply does not possess. He’s more likely to pursue Tony’s dad, Dick, the architect of the Wisconsin program, who is now retired and closing in on death. Pelphrey apparently has an exciting team located somewhere around the Gulf that almost made the Tournament out of the mighty Sun Belt Conference. He may be a promising coach, but does Big Blue Nation want a promising coach. Travis Ford has improved the Massachusetts program but still seems a little green. I can see Billy Gillispie being a good fit. In fact, he might be one of the best fits from the non-Donovan/Pearl/Crean group of coaches. I’ve heard Mike D’Antoni rumors, and he would be an incredible steal (and I think the best of the whole bunch), although I think this is just one of the many crazy, unfounded UK rumors I’ve heard during my life in the Bluegrass. Now, on to Mark Few and Jay Wright. Few doesn’t have the personality that is going to placate the Wildcat faithful, who like to worship their program’s head coach. How do we even know if Jay Wright can coach? When you have guards like he has had over the past couple of years, you basically have two extra coaches on the floor at all times. What about John Calipari? Way too crooked for Big Blue Nation. If Calipari makes Big Blue Nation happy, Big Blue Nation has given up on the whole “let’s run a classy program and win” mentality that has made the Cats what they've been since the Eddie Sutton era. Bottom line: UK deserves to be picky and should be picky, but they need to move quickly.

As someone who doesn’t like UK basketball, I hope UK hires Rick Barnes out of Texas. I don’t think Barnes is as incompetent as some seem to believe. However, the idea that UK would run Tubby out of Lexington to hire Rick Barnes is just too delicious. Then again, maybe Kevin Durant will decide to sit out a year and follow Barnes to UK. If that happens, you all will have the last laugh.

Finally, We Can All Say It: We Were Real Sick of That Black Guy as Our Coach

2007-03-23T11:39:00.000-04:00

How the National Media Views Kentucky Fans' Thoughts:

I'm a realist, most of our readers know that by now. So I think it's appropriate for me to just come out and say what was on the minds of the 10 or so million Kentucky fans throughout the world: Enough with the black coach already, this is KENTUCKY.

Nine years without a final four, six straight losses to Florirda, four to Vandy, five 10-loss seasons ... these were all insignificant to the real reason Tubby wasn't right for this job, because he's a black man. Folks, let me be the first one to tell you that the days of affirmative action, civil rights, and equal opportunity are long gone. Thank god for these glorious seven years of a Republican administration which has been able to roll back a lot of the crap those hippie Democrats were pulling off in the 60's and 90's. White is back guys, and we are here to stay. Yee-Haw.

Let's just stick to the cold hard facts of this whole situation. Tubby was black. First and foremost, that is not the standard of success we expect here at Kentucky. We are the winningest program in college basketball, and should demand a coach of a superior race. What are we going to do next hire a Mexican or something? That makes me want to throw right up on your face C.M. Newton. I might just move to Texas and start shooting things to feel more American.

Second of all, Tubby was proud of his background and actually supported African American organizations in the state. What in the hell is all this about? We give you a job at the best basketball university in America even though you are a black man and you have the audacity insult us like that? How dare you sir, how dare you.

I'll be honest, when I first heard Tubby announced as our coach I was 12 years old and I thought I had time warped into some futuristic year 3000 bullshit. My daddy told me the world might be coming to and end. And finally, there was speculation that BET had purchased the University. But I am a good and decent person, and I chose to continue supporting our basketball program. How much integrity do I have? Ask yourself that right now.

What it all comes down to was Tubby's black skin, and nothing more. Although, all of his cousins and brothers (I think that's what they call them, except probably spelled differently) running around all over town didn't help anything either. Tubby was black, and unwilling to change that. And we as a program, cannot except that willingness to fail.

(Editor's Note: I really think it is ridiculous that the national media is even discussing this as a race issue. There are racist people in Kentucky, but most aren't racist to the point they actually cared what color of skin our basketball coach had. I think the only people who really cared about Tubby being black were people over 60, just based out of pure ignorance. The only significant thing about it, is that most of the residents in Kentucky express their opinions about college basketball, so these racist ideas occasionally are heard. But if you read the message boards, when a racist comment is mentioned [very rarely this happens] there is an overwhelming response condemning the remark and person, usually asking that person to quit posting on that certain site. I have never seen a racist comment supported by other posters in my life.)

Bluegrass Madness

2007-03-22T18:34:00.000-04:00

So I guess all you guys already heard the big news. That’s right, Ron Artest pled not guilty to misdemeanor domestic violence charges. In other news, Orlando “Tubby” Smith dissed the Cats and packed his bags for the beautiful beaches of Minnesota. I’ll pretend like I’m not astounded by this development, but let’s be honest, nobody saw this coming. But there are some reasons that this makes sense. First, Tubby is made for Big Ten basketball. If there was a way to score basketball by defense and rebounding, Tubby would be much happier with his profession. Second, a lot of people are asking why he didn’t go to Michigan. Bear in mind that Michigan was only paying Amaker $175K a year, which is about what Minnesota will be paying Tubby next month. I think the lower expectations benefit Tubby, and he’ll be happier to do things his way instead of worrying about an omniscient fan base that is all too eager to offer its insight. Third, I think Tubby is a man of great pride that wanted to go out his way. He didn’t want to wait for a jack-ass AD to show him the door. I respect Tubby and I wish him well.

I think this change was necessary. Don’t listen to the talking heads saying that UK fans are a bunch of ingrates. There is a different standard at UK than there is at almost every other school (Duke, UNC, UCLA, Kansas, and Indiana are the others). Dick Vitale still doesn’t get it. He finally compared UK to the Yankees, and then made an apologist’s argument about how Joe Torre does an outstanding job. Nobody cares. It’s a different standard, and Tubby knew that coming in, and you can be damn sure the next coach will understand the situation. Tubby is going to do great for Minnesota, but I’ll guarantee you that no UK fan would accept whatever success the Gophers have during the next five years as adequate for UK. The excitement and prestige has slowly trickled away from the program and both sides needed a change. Bear in mind UK is going to be able to get pretty much any coach they want. I don’t think UK needs to make a big splash with a coach that has national recognition. When you become the coach at UK you are immediately one of the biggest names in coaching, so whoever they get IS the big name in coaching.

I’ve stated my case before, the guy is John Pelphrey. It sounds like people are already saying that he is a great candidate, but he’s a little too green. Ten years ago, that was the same reasoning that UK didn’t hire Billy Donovan. Let’s not let history repeat itself. I’m going to go ahead and tell you my dream situation. Get Pitino to make an illustrious return, amongst much pomp and circumstance, and bring in Pelphrey as an Associate Head Coach. Pitino can agree to do a three-year contract and then ride off into the sunset on a white horse and leave a loaded program to my boy John P. The radio hosts in Louisville are already saying that Pitino would probably leave UofL and go to UK if Louisville AD, Tom Jurich allowed UK to communicate with Pitino. Word is that Jurich would not allow that. Please send me your silly recommendations and I will explain to you why you are right or wrong. If you don’t take advantage of my knowledge on this subject you are only cheating yourselves. By the way, who is most excited about this situation? The answer my friends is a certain Mr. Tony LaRussa. He’s laughing it up over a dry martini right now. Stay off the roads, faithful readers, Tony is on the prowl.

Extras:

Colin Cowherd on ESPN Radio probably had the best quote about Tubby leaving when he said, "The Tubby supporters out there are the same people that put on seven pounds and instead of working out, they buy bigger pants."

Sam Bowie came in a close second when he expressed concern that Tubby was forced out and the lip service offered by the administration may be "People talking out of both sides of their necks." I don't think Sam should be alone in his trepidiation if Mitch Barnhart and Lee Todd do actually have mouths on the sides of their necks.

Pat Forde wrote the most accurate piece about Tubby leaving...ironic, considering he's the only national media guy who lives in Kentucky and actually had UK Basketball as his beat.

For the flip side, check out William Reed's article. It makes some valid points, but it loses credibility with a nice little no-reason Kentucky-is-a-racist-rant in the middle.

Dominant College Basketball Players--Complete Players and Breakthrough Performers

2007-03-21T23:46:00.000-04:00

This is the fifth installment in a series of posts examining the most dominant players in college basketball since the 1989-90 season. We're getting very close to the Top 5, which will be expanded to 7. I know I usually wait a few more days between posts, but, with the Sweet 16 starting on Thursday, I just couldn't help myself.

Category 9: Complete Players

I couldn’t put these guys in the scorers or defenders categories, because they were excellent on both ends of the floor (with the exception of Van Horn, but we'll get to that later). This category includes players that were incredible talents with a knack for making those around them better. These guys had great all-around games, but they were willing to defer to their teammates (sometimes too often). In some cases, they played on teams with so much talent that they didn’t have to dominate. Still, they stood out, and some earned serious consideration for the Top 5.

Calbert Cheaney (Indiana): Four-time IU team MVP, three-time All-American, and 1993 national player of the year (Wooden and Naismith). Who knows how high Calbert could have been ranked if he hadn't been constrained by the robotic offense of Bobby Knight? Tremendous jump shooter, he somehow found ways to fill it up in the Hoosier system. A team leader and excellent defender, I believe his development was ultimately stunted by Knight’s coaching.

Nick Collison (Kansas): One of the most underrated college players within my viewing lifetime, and that’s saying something because it’s not like he wasn’t in the spotlight during his career as a Jayhawk. A fierce competitor and rugged interior defender, Collison knew how to fill up a stat sheet. As a senior, he averaged 18 ppg and 10 rpg, but stats never told the whole story for one of the hardest workers I've ever had the pleasure to watch. After Drew Gooden left Lawrence for the NBA, I thought Collison would have difficulty scoring. To the contrary, his game improved, as he became adept at scoring and passing out of double teams like few players I can remember. Ran the floor at a pace that belied his skin color. An effective outside shooter and one of the best rebounders within my viewing lifetime. While his shoulder injuries haven’t helped, I'm shocked he hasn’t been more of a force in the NBA.

Tony Delk (Kentucky): Received serious consideration for the Top 5. While some might argue that Delk was overrated because of his incredibly talented supporting cast at UK, I would actually argue that Delk was underrated for that very reason. A lethal long-range shooter, Delk could score in a variety of ways. The consummate team player, I can only imagine what this guy’s numbers would have been like if he was even the slightest bit selfish. An incredible competitor, Delk hustled as if he was just a role player struggling for minutes. For as a good as Delk was on the offensive end of the floor, he was perhaps just as strong on the defensive end. Quick, deceptively strong, and insanely long-armed, I would come very close to calling him a shutdown defender. The heart and soul of the ’96 Wildcats. I’m still convinced that he got screwed in the NBA. Off the charts basketball IQ (but not in the same way that Joe Crawford has an off the charts basketball IQ).

Christian Laettner (Duke): As is the case with Delk, it’s hard to assess Laettner’s level of dominance in light of the strength of his supporting cast. An excellent college scorer, Laettner had pretty good range for his size and had a strong post-up game. A fiery competitor and team leader, it was Laettner’s intangibles, despite his impressive numbers, that made him special. Also a very good rebounder and underrated defender. While Laettner did garner Top 5 consideration, it was an absolute joke that he was on the 1992 Dream Team. That spot should have gone to Isiah Thomas or Dominique Wilkins. If they were determined to put a collegian on the roster, the spot should have been reserved for Shaq.

Ed O’Bannon (UCLA): Admittedly, one of the weaker defenders in this group, but still a good defender. Great rebounder for his size and underrated passer. Tremendous team leader. O’Bannon had a knack for filling up stat sheets without really needing the ball in his hands at all times. In his senior season, became something of a point forward and really shined. Averaged 16 ppg and 7 rpg as a sophomore, 18 ppg and 8 rpg as a junior, and 20 ppg and 8 rpg as a senior. I know the Bruins had a lot of talent on that 1995 team, but O’Bannon the Elder was the main reason UCLA was able to keep the Razorbacks from repeating.

Keith Van Horn (Utah): OK, I admit that maybe Van Horn is in the wrong category, but hear me out. Maybe it was because of the lack of talent in the conference he played in, but Van Horn was more than just a scorer in college. An excellent rebounder and great passer for a big man, he was the leader of a Utah team that made it to the 1998 national championship game. While his NBA career would be marked by a disgusting inability to play defense and a disgusting ability to be disgusting, Van Horn wasn’t quite so bad on defense in college. Having Andre Miller at the point definitely didn’t hurt his numbers. Averaged 18 ppg as a freshman and over 20 for the rest of his career at Utah. During his time with the Utes, they never received below a 4 seed in the NCAA tournament, and they reached the Sweet 16, the Elite 8, and the championsip game during Van Horn's last 3 seasons. Yes, I do realize that the Kentucky Wildcats were responsible for the Utes' exits during these 3 seasons.

Category 10: Breakthrough Performers

There is no doubt that these 5 players put together impressive careers. Each of these players probably could have fit into another category. However, their final seasons were absolutely incredible. They went from being excellent role players with the tools to play at the next level to nearly unstoppable college performers.

Caron Butler (Connecticut): Could have fit into the Early Departures category just as easily. However, Butler’s second season at UCONN deserves special attention. While his first season as a Huskie was nice (15.3 ppg and 7.6 rpg), it was his sophomore season that put Butler on the map (20.3 ppg and 7.5 rpg). Put simply, he was unstoppable. After just one season, Butler had developed an NBA-ready game to go with his NBA-ready body. Underrated shooter, great slasher, good passer, and hard-nosed defender, it was hard to pick out a weakness in his game. Despite all of these strengths, Butler’s greatest asset may have been his willingness to be a team player. One of the strangest things about Butler’s career at UCONN was that he was seemingly underexposed and underrated, two things it’s hard to be as a Huskie. I would argue that, during his sophomore season, Butler was one of the most intimidating players college basketball has witnessed over the course of the last 20 years.

Austin Croshere (Providence): Croshere had an excellent career as a Friar, but his senior season was pretty incredible. He posted up, scored from the outside, hit the open man, averaged 7.5 rebounds per contest, and played reasonably good defense. The ultimate team leader, Croshere willed the Friars to the 1997 Elite 8. Extremely hard to defend, as he was too big for wings and had too much range for post players to cover. I admit that this might be the biggest reach of all the players I have discussed in these posts, but consider the fact that Croshere averaged more points as a senior (17.9 ppg) than Grant Hill did during his senior season (17.4 ppg).

Josh Howard (Wake Forest): The 2003 ACC player of the year put together an excellent career at Wake, but his senior season was his coming out party. One of the most versatile players that I can remember. Played in the post when needed and was excellent on the wing. Found ways to score and played smothering defense (probably could have been in the defenders category). An incredible team leader, Howard’s senior season, which saw him average 19.5 ppg (up from 13.9), was a revelation that was somehow missed by NBA scouts, as he fell to the bottom of the first round in the draft.

Paul Pierce (Kansas): I almost put Pierce in the Complete Players category, but he didn’t truly blossom until his junior year. During his freshman and sophomore seasons, Pierce was more of an athlete that happened to play basketball (although this is probably something of an overstatement). By his junior season, however, he had developed more than hints of the offensive repertoire that would serve him well as a Celtic. Not quite the shooter he would become as professional, Pierce got to the bucket with a solid post-up game, a slasher’s mentality, and excellent ballhandling skills for a player of his size. A bull on the boards and a lockdown defender, Pierce could defend the 1-4 spots. It’s hard to single him out from a Jayhawks squad that included Jacque Vaughn, Raef LaFrentz, and Scot Pollard, but Pierce’s all-around game demanded just that.

Brandon Roy (Washington): One of the most sophisticated offensive games I’ve ever witnessed in a college player. An underrated athlete, Roy was nearly unguardable as a Huskie. Unlike a number of players with preternatural scoring abilities, Roy was an excellent passer and always seemed to be looking to get others involved. I would have put him in the scorers category, but his leadership, ability to make those around him better, and strong defensive play moved him to a category that took into account his all-around game. Roy’s scoring averaged jumped from 12.8 as a junior to 20.2 as a senior.

Who did I miss? By the way, a friend of mine (C-Burns) was wearing a Rebecca Lobo New York Liberty jersey/T-shirt to class the other day. It was awesome. I asked him whatever happened to Rebecca Lobo, and he told me that she got "impregnated by a giraffe." Does anyone know if there is any truth to this? (By the way, I'm now worried that any serious responses I may have received regarding these categories will be lost and replaced by numerous Rebecca Lobo-giraffe jokes. Please don't let this happen. If you feel you must make a giraffe joke, put it at the end of your suggestions. That being said, I realize I've brought whatever happens on myself.)

Dominant College Basketball Players--Dictators of Pace and Disruptors of Tempo

2007-03-19T22:53:00.000-04:00

This is the 4th installment in a series of posts examining the most dominant college basketball players since the 1989-90 season. The 2 categories included in this post are dominated by guards that had a seemingly innate ability to impact the flow of the game. Additionally, all of these players were team leaders that seemed to be able to will their teams to victory.

Category 7: Dictators of Pace

Whether it was because of their leadership qualities, their personalities, or their playmaking skills, these point guards set the tone of nearly every game they played in. More then just dictating pace, these floor generals controlled the game.

Mateen Cleaves (Michigan State): Perhaps the ultimate floor general. Tracy Morgan was one heck of a point guard and had a knack for winning. He set the tone on both ends of the floor and made those around him better. He wasn’t the flashiest playmaker, but he directed the Spartan attack efficiently. Didn't make spectacular passes but great at finding the open man. Probably a little overrated.

Jameer Nelson (St. Joseph’s): That rare scoring guard who truly makes those around him better. An excellent passer with superb court vision, Nelson’s upper body strength allowed him to get into the paint and create scoring opportunities for teammates. His height had no effect on his ability to get to the basket. He had an incredible ability to impose his will on a game, and his intensity was infectious.

Jalen Rose (Michigan): The coolest college basketball player of all-time. Like Shane Battier, Rose dominated games by the sheer force of his personality (but in a much cooler way). The king of trash talk, Rose was the leader of the Fab Five. In fact, it was Rose, not Webber, that led the Fab Five in scoring during their freshman season. While he would spend the majority of his pro career hoisting up shots from the wing, he was an excellent college point guard. He excelled at leading the break and slashing to the basket. However, as a 6-8 point guard, he could also back his defender down to slow the game’s tempo.

Deron Williams (Illinois): Like Rose, Williams was a physically imposing point guard, equally adept at leading the break or posting his man up in the paint. Like Cleaves, he used his superior upper body strength to dominate weaker point guards at both ends of the floor. In fact, he was so good on the offensive end of the floor that he never received enough credit for being an excellent defender. Made spectacular passes look easy. Always seemed to be in complete control of the game.

Category 8: Disruptors of Tempo

Much like the dictators of pace category, this category is all about the speed of the game. However, rather than setting the pace like the point guards in the preceding category, the players in this category disrupted the pace of the game. They played at a speed all their own, namely at a pace that no one else could keep up with. When they weren’t exhausting those assigned to defend them, they were harassing their opponents on the defensive end. Most importantly, they were winners, as proven by their national championships. An alternative title for this group could have been “Energy Guys that Just Win,” but that didn’t really have much of a ring to it.

Juan Dixon (Maryland): One of the quickest guards in ACC history. Played in a different gear than everyone else. A solid shooter, excellent penetrator, and an excellent college defender, Dixon's greatest strength was his competitive nature. With the exception of Allen Iverson, he probably created the most one-man fastbreaks in the history of college basketball. While he did have an excellent supporting cast, Dixon was the main reason the Terps won the 2002 national championship.

Richard Hamilton (Connecticut): Like Dixon, Rip had an impressive supporting cast on his 1999 national championship team. Simply outworked the competition. One of the most underrated college basketball players within my viewing lifetime. A solid defender and underrated passer, Rip’s midrange game set him apart from his peers. Always seemed to do the little things needed to win games.

As always, I'm taking nominations.

Wells Diagnosed With Type 2 Diabetes

2007-03-19T14:46:00.000-04:00

David Wells, a pitcher for the San Diego Padres, was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes yesterday by his local doctor in California. Wells has given hope to a nation with his courage in handling the situation. In his first meeting with reporters today, Wells was quoted as saying, "I will beat this." During a time where there is little hope in the world, Wells has inspired a nation, and maybe even the world.

Wells continued answering questions from reporters, and claimed to also be attempting to beat, "the scientific theory, growing old, terrorism, jealousy."

This will cause a drastic lifestyle change for the slightly overweight pitcher, who has often been criticized by team managers for his eating habits and late-night drinking binges. "For the longest time he's been to modern baseball what John Daly, Babe Ruth, and Chris Farley were to golf, classic baseball, and comedy ... the champions of abusing substances and food," said Padres general manager, whom I forgot to ask his name, "This might have been a sign from some higher authority."

Wells believes he won't have any problems with his Type 2 Diabetes. "There are many famous people, famous athletes even, with diabetes like ... like ... Adam Morrison. I'm sure there have been others. I'll be honest, I haven't done my research," said Wells.

However, the interview ended abruptly when Wells was unable to continue due to personal reasons. At the mention of "not eating fast food ever again" Wells became lightheaded and had to sit down. Several seconds later when a reporter asked "what vegetables Wells enjoyed eating" he began dry-heaving and had to leave the room.

McSweeneys

2007-03-13T17:41:00.000-04:00

Mcsweeney's just published a blog I wrote several weeks ago on its website. I submitted it after I posted on AwesomeUSA and it has been featured today. Check it out at Mcsweeneys.

Isiah Thomas gives Isiah Thomas High Marks

2007-03-12T14:58:00.000-04:00

Today, Isiah Thomas was given a multiyear contract extension as head coach after team President Isiah Thomas praised the improvements the team has made under Thomas. Madison Square Garden chairman James Dolan announced yesterday that he had decided to extend Thomas' contract as head coach after extensive discussions with President Isiah Thomas. Nine months after Thomas was told the Knicks needed to show "evident progress" or he would be fired, Isiah Thomas came to the defense of Isiah Thomas, stating, "Thomas has turned this franchise around this year. We are not were we want to be yet, but I think with a multiyear contract extension worth several million dollars, we can see the change we wish to see."

"Isiah Thomas is a great coach, a humanitarian, and a scholar of basketball," Isiah Thomas said in a conference yesterday, adding, "I'm also very grateful for this extension and the opportunity to get the Knicks in the playoffs." After several disappointing seasons under Larry Brown, who recently admitted to trying to coach "every team on the face of the planet", the Knicks are poised to make the Eastern playoffs, requiring them to be one of the top eight teams in the conference.

"I think one of our main problems last year was the strained relationship between coach/president," Thomas said, "We don't have that this year. I love Isiah and Isiah loves me."

Field of 65--version 10

2007-03-11T17:39:00.000-04:00

(about 1 week has passed since last version)
1)
Ohio State (30-3); UCLA (26-5); Florida (29-5); Kansas (30-4)
*Ohio State is my overall number 1. UCLA was the best team in the nation during the regular season, and that has to count for something.
2)
North Carolina (28-6); Wisconsin (29-5); Georgetown (26-6); Memphis (30-3)
*Memphis jumps to a 2 seed on the strength of a 22-game winning streak. It doesn’t hurt the Tigers that I just found out that Chris Douglas-Roberts considers Jalen Rose his mentor.
3)
Texas A&M (25-6); Pittsburgh (27-7); Oregon (26-7); Washington State (25-7)
*After a little bit of a slide in conference play, Oregon finishes the season with an impressive Pac-10 tournament run, which included a 24-point win over USC in the championship game. Somehow the Ducks are winning in spite of the incompetence of Ernie Kent.
4)
Texas (24-9); Southern Illinois (27-6); UNLV (28-6); Notre Dame (24-7)
*Texas proves they deserve a 4 seed after making it to the Big 12 championship game. Now, it’s just a question of how far Kid Nut Raven can carry them in the Big Dance.
5)
Nevada (28-4); Virginia Tech (21-11); Virginia (20-10); Louisville (23-9)
*Nevada falls from a 3 seed after not even making it to the WAC championship. Despite an early loss in the ACC tourney, UVA holds on to a 5 seed based on the Cavaliers’ share of the ACC regular season title.
6)
Maryland (24-8); USC (23-11); BYU (25-8); Tennessee (22-10)
*After a strong end to their regular season, the Terrapins drop to a 6 seed after getting beat in the first round of the ACC tourney by 12th seeded Miami. USC would have jumped more spots, but the Trojans got absolutely dominated by Oregon in the Pac-10 championship game.
7)
Marquette (24-9); Boston College (20-11); Vanderbilt (20-11); Butler (27-6)
*Back-to-back losses to Arkansas keep the Commodores out of a top 6 seed.
8)
Winthrop (28-4); VCU (27-6); Villanova (22-10); Creighton (22-10)
*OK, I’m guessing you don’t see why I have 3 mid-majors seeded ahead of the next line of traditional powers. Well, Winthrop took care of business in the Big South Conference tourney after going undefeated in conference play, capping a regular season in which they only lost 4 games—to North Carolina (by 7), Maryland (by 11), Wisconsin (by 3), and Texas A&M (the only blowout, by 20). Oh, and the Eagles have an 18-game winning streak. VCU won the regular season title in a very strong Colonial Athletic Association and then won the CAA tourney. Only one of their 6 losses was by more than 9 points, and none of them were to bad teams. Creighton, who I’ve been down on all year, had the second best record in an overrated (but still competitive) Missouri Valley and won the MVC tourney, picking up a win against Southern Illinois in the championship game. I have more respect for mid-majors surging into the field than traditional powers stumbling to the finish.
9)
Kentucky (21-11); Duke (22-10); Indiana (20-10); Arizona (20-10)
*The one interesting thing about having these traditional powers in the 8/9 game: the prospect of seeing them take on and possibly upset the 1 seeds in the second round of the tourney. Runs with Two Horses is especially excited about a potential match-up between Randolph Morris and Greg Oden. Just when I thought Arizona might be turning the corner, they put together an altogether uninspiring performance against Oregon in the first round of the Pac-10 tourney.
10)
Davidson (29-4); Purdue (21-11); Kansas State (22-11); West Virginia (22-9)
Purdue had a strong Big 10 tourney, dominating Iowa and giving Ohio State a decent challenge in the semifinals. I also think K-State answered some questions with their conference tourney play, dominating Texas Tech and losing to Kansas by 6. West Virginia also had a solid Big East tourney, beating Providence and playing Louisville tough. These are the 3 bubble teams I feel strongest about, and they happen to be the 3 I can see the selection committee screwing.
11)
Texas Tech (21-12); Xavier (24-8); Syracuse (22-10); Michigan State (22-11)
*I’m really not as high on Xavier as the media seems to be. I know they finished first in the A-10, but the A-10 is really weak this year. I think they should be in, but I also think the Musketeers are squarely on the bubble. I’m also kind of confused why no one is talking about Michigan State being on the bubble. I know they beat Wisconsin, but anybody can anybody on a given night. One game does not a season make. I think they deserve to get in, but an 8-8 Big Ten record isn’t exactly overwhelming.
12)
Illinois (23-11); Stanford (18-12); George Washington (23-8); Holy Cross (25-8)
Michigan State, Illinois, and Stanford are my last 3 in. They are my only selections that I’m not completely confident about. A few comments about teams I left out: I know everyone seems to love Drexel, but give me a break. You don’t get an invite for being 4th in the Colonial Athletic Association (no matter how strong that conference is this year). Speaking of the CAA, Old Dominion got a look (more like a glance), but I just couldn’t justify the Monarchs displacing Illinois or Stanford. I know no one gave them a second thought after they lost to Albany in the America East tourney, but Vermont was a solid bubble team. Akron, runner-up in the MAC was an even more compelling bubble team that no one was talking about after they lost to Miami OH. I honestly don’t understand why anyone is talking about Florida State being a bubble team. I love Al Thornton, and, yes, we’re all being deprived by not getting a chance to watch him in the tourney. However, the Seminoles were 7-9 in the ACC. If you can’t finish at least .500 in your conference, you don’t get an at-large in my book. That takes care of Arkansas, 7-9 in the SEC for the regular season. If Air Force gets in, a terrible mistake has been made. The Falcons have lost their last 4 games and didn’t even get out of the first round of the Mountain West tourney. In case you were wondering, my first team out was Georgia Tech. I really think I may have made a mistake not putting Georgia Tech in the field.
13)
Gonzaga (23-10); New Mexico State (25-8); Long Beach State (24-7); Albany (23-9)
*Does anyone doubt that Gonzaga will get a higher seed than they deserve? If they get a higher seed than Winthrop or VCU, the selection committee should be disbanded. New Mexico State has a lot of talent and could be a dangerous first round opponent. I’ve watched Long Beach State twice this year, and they have a right to be angry if they get lower than a 14 seed.
14)
Texas A&M Corpus Christie (26-6); Oral Roberts (22-10); Wright State (23-9); Miami OH (18-14)
*I hate it that Miami OH beat Akron in the MAC championship. Akron deserved to dance.
15)
Eastern Kentucky (21-11); Niagara (22-11); Belmont (23-9); Weber State (20-11)
*Niagara is riding an 11-game winning streak heading into the tournament.
16)
Pennsylvania (22-8); Central Connecticut State (22-11); Florida A&M (21-13); Jackson State (21-13); North Texas (23-10)
*Jackson State against North Texas in the play-in game.

IN: Albany; Florida A&M; George Washington; Gonzaga; Miami OH; New Mexico State; North Texas; Wright State
OUT: Air Force; Akron; Delaware State; Georgia Tech; Massachusetts; Santa Clara; Vermont; Western Kentucky

I'll Take Two Powerball Tickets and A Yoo-Hoo

2007-03-08T19:03:00.000-05:00

Several days ago I began pondering the likelihood of a perfect bracket. I thought to myself of all the years people have been filling out brackets and all the people who actually fill out a bracket, someone has to have penciled in the perfect bracket. Why hadn’t this ever made ESPN? Why hadn’t someone gotten their 15 minutes of fame, a mention at the ESPY’s, and a 10-year anniversary special on ESPN Classic for filling out the perfect bracket? Something had to be done. I contacted AwesomeUSA’s research and marketing staff to get some financial backing. They gave me 10 dollars and a Hardee’s Thickburger combo meal and told me I wasn’t welcome in their offices anymore. With that, I pocketed the ten dollars and found a scientist masturbating in some bushes near my car. He accepted the Thickburger combo meal and in three days had returned this stunning report. Here it is, courtesy of Codename Curveball. We thank him for the hours he brushed off work and complied this data. For your pleasure:

So you think you are going to have a perfect bracket this year? Someone has to have done it before, right? Well, my friends, in this situation I have to turn to my other friends, numbers. Hereís a simple exercise to show how difficult it is to pick a perfect bracket.

Assume that you have a 50% chance of picking the winner in each game. Likely, you always have a better chance than this, but for simplicityís sake, we will assume this initially. Since each game is independent, the probabilities multiply and you are essentially asking, ìIf I threw a coin 63 times (corresponding to the number of games), how many times would you guess it correctly?î The answer to that is:

100%*0.5^63 = 0.0000000000000000108 % chance

You have a 0.000000648% chance of winning the powerball if you play one ticket. I like them odds. Basically, you have a better chance of buying two tickets and winning the lottery twice than you do of winning the bracket. Alas, this situation is sort of a worse case scenario, and you can do better. The best case scenario is when the team with the higher seed always wins the game. In that case, letís call the odds like this:

1 versus 16 seed: 1 seed has a 16/17 or 94% chance of winning

2 versus 15 seed: 2 seed has a 15/17 or 88% chance of winning
and so on, remembering that there are 4 of these games, so the chances of all the 1 seeds moving on is 100%*0.94^4 = 78%, etc.

By that reasoning, you have a 0.003% chance of picking all of the first round games correctly. That is 1/32,656.

In the second round::

1 versus 8 seed: 1 seed has an 8/9 or 88% chance of winning

2 versus 7 seed: 2 seed has a 6/8 or 75% chance of winning
and so on…

The final numbers look like this:

First round correctly: 0.003%.

First two rounds correctly: 0.000004%.

First three rounds correctly: 0.0000002%.

First four rounds correctly: 0.00000004%.

All of it correctly: 0.0000000005%.

That is 1/19,704,059,564.

You're 134 times more likely to win Powerball.

Good luck.

-But let's be honest: If the perfect bracket does ever happen, it will be some girl who filled out the bracket because she likes the sport with the orange ball and dunk shots.

Dominant College Basketball Players--Big Dancers and Big Assholes

2007-03-06T21:33:00.000-05:00

This is the third installment in a series of posts concerning the most dominant college basketball players in my viewing lifetime (1989-90 season to the present).

Category 5: Big Dancers

For this group, it’s not just about the tournament. Otherwise, Miles Simon would be on the top of the list. The players in this category had excellent careers. It’s just that their legacy/reputation has been (somewhat) exaggerated because of the way they went out. For some, this means that their play in the tourney was better than their play during the rest of their careers. For others, the tourney gave them a spotlight that they didn't have during the regular season, though they didn't necessarily play any better in the tourney. Either way, they were the darlings of March Madness

Sean May (North Carolina): It’s easy for people to remember May as the player that dominated the 2005 NCAA Tournament, but they would be forgetting two good, but uninspiring, years that May spent as an overweight and out-of-shape player limited in the number of effective minutes he was able to provide. His junior year was quite impressive, but the tournament is where he made his name. Maybe the best set of hands on any big man in college basketball history. Very nimble for a man of his size.

Antonio McDyess (Alabama): The epitome of the player who turns himself into a lottery pick by virtue of his play in the NCAA Tournament. The only player on this list who didn't have an undeniably excellent non-tourney career. McDyees seemingly came out of nowhere during the 1995 Tournament, but he’d actually put together a pretty (physically) dominating season leading up to the dance. But in March, McDyess was a revelation. A man among boys, Dice’s chiseled frame and hard-nosed play tantalized NBA scouts and earned him a hefty payday as the number 2 overall pick in the 1995 NBA Draft.

Bryant Reeves (Oklahoma State): A skilled big man down low, Big Country was more dominating than Eric Montross. Montross had an excellent supporting cast, and I would argue that he wasn’t even the most important player on his national championship team. (I'd make the case for George Lynch.) Big Country, on the other hand, had a strong but not spectacular supporting cast. (However, Randy Rutherford was a very good college point guard). For those of you who don't buy my Big Country over Montross argument, consider the numbers. Country averaged 19.5 ppg as a sophomore, 21.0 as a junior, and 21.5 as a senior. Montross never even averaged 16ppg during his Tar Heel career. Country also had better rebounding numbers. Reeves’ Cowboys exceeded everyone’s expectations in March of 1995, and no one seemed to have an answer for Big Country. Unfortunately, his pro career was absolutely pathetic.

Dwyane Wade (Marquette): Contrary to popular belief, Wade was not a secret prior to the performance he put on against Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament. In fact, he’d spent the entire previous season quietly piling up points and garnering attention from NBA scouts. With his penchant for making the impossible look possible, it was the UK tourney game that made Wade a household name, at least in the Bluegrass. He put on a Jordanesque performance that even surpassed his regular season, and became a lottery pick the following June.

John Wallace (Syracuse): One of the most complete NCAA Tournament performances I’ve ever seen. Wallace willed his Syracuse teammates to the 1996 NCAA Championship against the powerhouse Kentucky Wildcats. While ‘Cuse would not win the championship, Wallace’s blend of post-up power and jump-shooting was something to behold. The consummate leader, Wallace put together an excellent career at Syracuse, but it wasn’t until the tourney that he really showed everyone how well-rounded his game was. I still believe he got screwed in the NBA. The Knicks were not a good situation for a “tweener” that needed some touches.

Category 6: Big Assholes

On some level, these guys were incredibly dominant. However, for the most part, these guys’ attitudes got in the way of their dominance. Still, when they were playing hard and their tempers weren’t getting the best of them, they changed games. Think Derrick Coleman.

Kenyon Martin (Cincinnati): Great shot blocker. Could run the floor with the little guys. There wasn’t a 4 or a 5 that could guard him. He had no offensive skills to speak of, but he was so athletic that he didn’t need any. One of the best finishers I’ve ever seen. While he played hard most of the time, it wasn’t hard for opponents to get under his skin. Never the level-headed one, his temper was his downfall. Might be the basketball equivalent of Kellen Winslow, Jr.

Rasheed Wallace (North Carolina): A game-altering shot blocker and all-around excellent defender, Wallace also had a considerable array of post moves for a college big man. Additionally, he could run the floor and was an excellent passer. As a collegian, Wallace’s outside shot wasn’t nearly as reliable as it became in the pros. However, he wasn’t quite the technical foul-prone idiot that he would become, either. When Sheed’s head was in the game and he was playing hard, there’s been no better. Unfortunately, Sheed’s short attention span seemed to get the better of him for considerable portions of games. He is the proud owner of the coolest tattoo in the history of the world. One of my all-time favorite college basketball players.

Your thoughts?

The Big Crazy Beats up Bitches

2007-03-06T00:22:00.000-05:00

You know the old saying, you play with fire, and eventually Ron Artest beats up a woman and embarrasses your entire franchise. The Maloof Brothers made a fortune with their Vegas Casinos, but this betting man could have beaten the pants off the house in this Ron Artest situation. Even Kevin McHale, Danny Ainge, and Billy King look like geniuses now that the Kings humiliated themselves by keeping Ron Artest around too long. Maybe you can’t really get value for a guy like Artest, but there’s a reason for that: HE’S A FUCKING PSYCHO!! Ron-Ron’s latest escapade involved pushing a woman down several times, then preventing her from calling the cops on him, while a three year old cried in the background. From a legal standpoint, I think his best argument is going to be grabbing his crotch and yelling “Chivalry is dead!”

Artest has noticeably struggled to adjust to playing for new coach, Eric “Taxis are for Pussies” Musselman, but he was still turning in strong averages of nearly 19 points, 7 boards, and over two steals a game. So let’s average it out: the Kings had a bad record, which brings out Artest’s TO attitude, he didn’t like the new coach, but his numbers still made him an attractive guy to several teams. Can this woman sue the Kings for negligence? At least she was able to shatter the windshield on his Hummer with a pot…which is terrible publicity for the Hummer on many fronts. Luckily for the Kings, they may be able to remain competitive with their nucleus of Mike Bibby, and….uh….Brad Miller. Honestly, how the hell did Sacramento get this bad this fast? Look at their roster, and you’ll see that Mike Bibby, Francisco Garcia, and Corliss Williamson are the only guys on their team that were noteworthy college basketball players. Go ahead, I defy you http://www.nba.com/kings/roster/.

The good news is that this isn’t the last we’ll see of Artest. He’s nearing a Mike Tyson level of insanity. Remember this is the same guy who got a part-time job at Circuit City when he was playing for the Bulls, so he could get a discount, because he was housing an entourage of nearly 20 people. Don’t rule out the possibility of him playing games of 21 against grade-school kids for five bucks a pop. I’m already looking into booking him as entertainment for my wife’s birthday party.

Field of 65--version 9

2007-03-05T02:04:00.000-05:00

(about 1 week has passed since last version)
1)
UCLA (26-4); Ohio State (27-3); Wisconsin (27-4); Florida (26-5)
*Even with UCLA’s loss to a Washington team that was fighting for its tournament life, the Bruins are my overall number 1. They’re also my pick to win it all. If Luc Richard Mbah a Moute’s name was Jamal Thomas and he wasn’t Cameroonian royalty, no one would know about him. He averages 8.6 ppg and 7.7 rbg. Solid player with fine numbers but that’s all.
2)
Kansas (27-4); North Carolina (25-6); Texas A&M (25-5); Georgetown (23-6)
*I’m having trouble not giving Kansas a 1 seed. If they win the Big 12 tournament, I think they get a 1 seed ahead of either Ohio State or Wisconsin, depending on who wins the Big Ten tourney. Did anyone watch the Duke-UNC game on Sunday, specifically the Gerald Henderson-Psycho T incident? I’m not saying that someone couldn’t make an argument (however weak) that there was nothing wrong with Henderson’s actions. I’m simply pointing out that Billy Packer’s irrational/emotional/embarrassing defense of Henderson (as if no one could possibly see anything wrong with what had just taken place) is just another example of the idiocy of one of the worst commentators ever. I'm not trying to argue that Packer always roots for the Blue Devils, as many seem to believe. Rather, I'm arguing that Packer lacks objectivity no matter who is playing. Acie Law IV is spectacular, and Joseph Jones is a beast. But Antanas Kavaliauskas is Detlef Schrempfesque, and that is a great thing. Georgetown barely holds on to its 2 seed after losing to Syracuse.
3)
Memphis (27-3); Washington State (24-6); Pittsburgh (25-6); Nevada (27-3)
*Considering how bad C-USA is this year, I can’t justify giving Memphis a 2 seed...yet. If they win the C-USA tourney, I’ll reconsider. That being said, depending on their draw and regardless of their seed, I might have Memphis in my Final 4. They’ve got good guard play and some big bodies. I can’t say enough about the job Tony Bennett’s done at Washington State. I would never have imagined the Cougars would have 24 wins at the end of the regular season.
4)
Southern Illinois (27-6); Maryland (24-7); Oregon (23-7); Texas (22-8)
*Maryland jumps up to a 4 seed on the strength of 7-game ACC winning streak. They’re playing as well as anyone right now. Plus, they have 5 guys averaging double-digits. The freshmen at Ohio State and UNC get all the hype, but the Longhorns have 4 spectacular freshmen as well. Kid Nut Raven has had at least 30 points in his last 3 games. As much as I like Alando Tucker’s game, Kid Nut Raven gets my vote for Player of the Year.
5)
Virginia (20-9); Notre Dame (23-6); Louisville (22-8); UNLV (25-6)
*Why is Notre Dame being overlooked? I’m not in love with the Irish, but they only have 6 losses. A Virginia win over lowly Wake Forest would have given the Cavs the outright regular season ACC title.
6)
Marquette (23-8); Vanderbilt (20-10); Virginia Tech (20-10); Tennessee (22-9)
*The selection committee is not giving the second best SEC team in the field a 6 seed. What does that mean? The SEC tournament provides a huge opportunity for some SEC team to get a very nice seed. When last week began, Virginia Tech was in position to lay claim to a piece of the ACC regular season title. Then, the Hokies dropped games against Virginia and Clemson. Tennessee presents an interesting dilemma to the selection committee. Do you seed the Vols based on their performance with Chris Lofton in the lineup, or do you take the team’s entire body of work into consideration?
7)
Butler (27-5); USC (21-10); Boston College (19-10); Duke (22-9)
*Despite USC’s losses to Washington and Washington State this past week, Tim Floyd has done a great job with the Trojans this year. It’s hard to tell which Boston College team is going to show up on a given night.
8)
BYU (23-7); Arizona (20-9); Kentucky (20-10); Indiana (20-9)
*For all the criticism I’ve heaped on Arizona this season, Lute Olson’s team is looking pretty good heading into the postseason, finishing the season 4 games above .500 in the Pac-10. While Indiana hasn’t been playing very well of late, I must say that Kelvin Sampson has done an excellent job with the Hoosiers in his first year at the helm.
9)
Winthrop (28-4); Villanova (21-9); Georgia Tech (20-10); West Virginia (21-8)
*Georgia Tech had a huge week, picking up wins against UNC and Boston College to get to .500 in the ACC. I’m getting tired of hearing about the possibility of West Virginia not getting an invite. They don’t have the toughest non-conference schedule, and they had a pretty favorable Big East schedule. Still, the Mountaineers are 9-7 in the Big East, have a great overall record, and own an impressive win over UCLA. However, I will admit that, if WVU falls early in the Big East tourney, they may deserve to be left out. There’s not much that separates the 9-12 seeds. I think you could randomly assign seeds to these 16 teams, and it would be hard to complain. Hopefully, the conference tournaments will clarify things.
10)
VCU (26-6); Xavier (23-7); Michigan State (21-10); Stanford (18-11)
*Even if VCU loses to George Mason in the Colonial Athletic Association tournament championship, they deserve a bid. The CAA is too competitive not to give the regular season champion an invite, especially a regular season champion that gets to the final game of the conference tournament.
11)
Syracuse (21-9); Purdue (20-10); Illinois (21-10); Kansas State (21-10)
*With a 10-6 record in the Big 12, it would be ridiculous to leave Kansas State out of the tourney. That being said, I can’t imagine the selection committee is going to do Bob Huggins any favors.
12)
Air Force (23-7); Texas Tech (18-11); Davidson (29-4); Creighton (22-10)
*I know everyone seems to love Air Force, but we should probably consider the fact that the Falcons have the 4 seed in the Mountain West Conference tournament. How can you give Air Force a bid and leave out Purdue? Purdue played a Big Ten schedule and only has 3 more losses. Plus, Matt Painter's team is a 5 seed in the Big Ten tourney. They have a ton of solid wins, which I've listed in at least 2 previous posts. Sorry...I guess I'm just preparing myself for the selection committee's inevitable snubbing of the Boilermakers. With Appalachian State falling to College of Charleston in the Southern Conference tournament semifinals, Davidson becomes the conference’s loan representative. If the Missouri Valley Conference gets more than 2 teams in (Southern Illinois and conference tournament champion Creighton), then the selection committee has made a horrible mistake.
13)
Massachusetts (23-7); Akron (23-6); Vermont (25-6); Long Beach State (22-7)
*UMASS gets my last at-large bid. Travis Ford’s team has played well all season, and, if they get to the A-10 tournament championship against Xavier, they’re going to have a strong case for an invite. The Vermont-Albany American East championship game should be a good one. After losing just 6 games this season and getting a win over Boston College, it will be a real shame if Vermont loses.
14)
Holy Cross (24-8); Santa Clara (21-9); Western Kentucky (22-10); Texas A&M-Corpus Christie (23-6)
*Holy Cross and Bucknell both have a single conference loss…to each other. They play for the automatic bid in the Patriot League tournament championship. I love watching Santa Clara play. I’ve stayed up until 2AM twice now to watch them, and both times it was worth it. If you haven’t seen John Bryant play yet this season, you’re missing out on 305 pounds of awesome. His white man afro is the second best hairstyle of the year. The best: Brent Petway of Michigan shaved the Wolverines’ football helmet design into his hair against Ohio State. Anyway, I can’t tell you how badly I want Santa Clara to beat Gonzaga in the WCC tourney championship game. With South Alabama’s loss to Middle Tennessee State in the Sun Belt tourney, the Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky face Arkansas State in the semifinals.
15)
Oral Roberts (21-10) Pennsylvania (21-8); Belmont (23-9); Eastern Kentucky (21-11)
*Belmont gets an auto bid after beating East Tennessee State in the Atlantic Sun championship game. Eastern Kentucky picks up an auto bid after upsetting Austin Peay in the Ohio Valley Conference championship. If Western Kentucky can win the Sun Belt tourney, the Bluegrass state could have 4 representatives in the Big Dance.
16)
Weber State (18-11); Central Connecticut State (21-11); Delaware State (19-11); Niagara (21-11); Jackson State (18-13)
*Niagara and Siena will face off for the MAAC bid after Siena upset regular season champ Marist.

IN: Belmont; Creighton; Eastern Kentucky; Georgia Tech; Massachusetts; Niagara
OUT: Appalachian State; Austin Peay; East Tennessee State; Georgia; Marist; Missouri State

Shaq Attack is Back

2007-03-02T23:55:00.000-05:00

Uh oh ladies and gentlemen. Uh oh. You may know him from Kazaam. You may know him from Pootie Tang. You may know him as Neon from Blue Chips. Or like me, you may know him from Steel. However you do know him, and let's be honest - you all do, there is only one thing I need to say on this late Friday night: Shaq is back.

Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal is back folks, and if Dwyane Wade decides to forgo surgery and come back this season the rest of the league needs to watch their backs, especially Brad Miller. In his last 5 games Shaq has averaged 20 points a game and 10 rebounds. That isn't including tonite's 31 point 16 rebound 6 assist game against the Pistons, because I don't have the mental capacity to add that into the average. With Wade out, Shaq has shown he can still put up 30 point nights and monkey dunk on a lot of people. I have been reluctant to believe the reports out there that Shaq was falling apart and was really only useful in drawing double teams, blocking a few shots, playing point guard at the all-star game, and wearing a Fu Manchu. Shaq of course isn't Shaq in his prime, but he has not fallen off to the point some people believed. His minutes per game is increasing from about 25 to 30 and is shooting well over 60% from the field, and an amazing 30% from the line. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Shaq is truly, truly back.

It is great to see Shaq playing like his old self. He has long been one of my favorite NBA players, even though he played for the Lakers. He, joined with Charles Barkley, is one of the few athletes (maybe only 2) who can say anything they want and it isn't taken out of context or taken too seriously, due to the fact that he doesn't take himself too seriously. He is a refreshing figure in a sport that is crying for some personalities. If it weren't for a really hot girl didn't work at our mall CD store I would have bought his CD when I was in junior high.

You may feel that I am prematurely shooting my wad here, but I don't care. I am more excited about the NBA season right now, than I have been in several years. The only thing I still need to see is Shaq spinning out of the post, and throwing down a one handed dunk off an oop from Eddie Jones and I will declare them the East Champions.

Dominant College Basketball Players--Early Exits and Beasts

2007-02-28T16:08:00.000-05:00

OK, time for another installment of Dominant College Basketball Players. As I mentioned in the last post, this series of entries will culminate in a post examining the 5 most dominant college basketball players since the 1989-90 season.

Category 3: Early Exits

It’s not that these guys were mere flashes in the pan. Rather, their careers were cut short by early entries into the NBA Draft. Because of these early departures and the time it takes for all young players to get acclimated to the college game, their actual periods of dominance were too short for serious consideration for inclusion in the Top 5.

Carmelo Anthony (Syracuse): In just one year, Melo made the jump from Oak Hill high school phenom to the main reason Syracuse finally gave Jim Boeheim a national championship. A big-bodied 3 that could physically dominate other wings and a skilled scorer, Anthony really hit his stride in the tournament. People forget that he was not that incredibly impressive throughout the course of the entire season. One more thing about Melo: he’s a big damn idiot. I’m glad he got suspended for 15 games for sucker punching Mardy Collins and then running away from the physically imposing force that is Jared Jeffries.

Anfernee Hardaway (Memphis): The phrase “upside” may have been created to describe Anfernee Hardaway. An athletic, long point guard, Penny physically dominated his opponents. More than just a floor general, he scored at will in the now defunct Great Midwest Conference (career 20ppg scorer).

Jason Kidd (California): Kidd’s Golden Bears knocked Duke out of the tournament the year after Duke beat Michigan’s Fab Five in the championship game. Kidd was more than a game manager. He was a threat to score and a shut-down defender. He physically dominated other point guards. A real quarterback on the floor. I have no doubt he would have been in the Top 5 had he stayed all 4 years.

Chris Paul (Wake Forest): I was never overly impressed with Paul, but you can’t deny the fact that he is a winner. If anyone questioned Paul’s talent (I know I did), one need look no further than the Demon Deacons’ season last year. With many heralded players returning, including Eric Williams and Justin Gray, Wake didn’t make the tournament and looked like a different team without Paul at the helm. One of the smarter point guards in recent memory. Made everyone around him better.

Jerry Stackhouse (North Carolina): Stackhouse’s sophomore season at Chapel Hill was something to behold. Obviously a physical specimen, Stack could have simply relied on his superior athleticism to get to the hoop. However, Stack had a very mature offensive game and developed an array of moves that would serve him well during his long professional career. While he never seemed to care much for playing defense, he was as skilled a one-on-one offensive performer as I’ve witnessed during my viewing lifetime.

Chris Webber (Michigan): A man among boys in his college days, C-Webb, like Stackhouse, never fell into the trap of relying on his natural abilities to take over games. Still an excellent passer, Webber used to be an excellent finisher on the break and a very explosive player. For all of his athleticism, it was apparent that he would have a long career in the NBA due to his intelligence, passing ability, rebounding instincts, and soft hands.

Category 4: Beasts

These overpowering tweeners were plenty big to play the 4 in college but weren’t long enough, quick enough, or skilled enough to run with the Chris Webbers and Kevin Garnetts of the Association. (Obviously, Elton Brand is an exception here, as he has more than proven capable of being a top tier player in the NBA.) These tweeners entered their freshman years with bulging biceps, thick necks, and broad shoulders (think Paula Abdul early in her career). They were men among boys, and the development of their offensive games may have suffered because of it. Able to rely on their superior strength, they never had to develop go-to offensive moves or jump shots. Unfortunately, in the NBA, the bull rush to the hoop maneuver often results in a charging foul or a rejected shot that lands in the 4th row of the stands.

Elton Brand (Duke): Due to Brand’s leaping prowess and his ability to legitimately play the 5 at Duke, it’s almost a stretch to categorize him in this group. However, few college athletes physically dominated their peers the way Brand did during his stay in Durham. Not coincidentally, Brand's stay at Duke coincided with the only period of my life when I actually rooted for the Blue Devils.

Marcus Fizer (Iowa State): People forget what a force Fizer was during his college career. An almost unstoppable scorer on the blocks or with his face to the basket inside the elbow, he was a career 18.9 ppg scorer for the Cyclones. Fizer admittedly benefited from being fed by Jamaal Tinsley, one of the best college assist men in recent memory.

Danny Fortson (Cincinnati): The transformation of Fortson from college scorer to NBA hack has been pretty much seamless. It’s as if he realized that he would never be a scorer in the NBA, so he just decided to accept his fate as a rebounder and designated personal fouler. As a college player, however, Fortson was dominant on the offensive end. Rather than relying on the bull rush to the hoop (utilized by Fizer), Fortson manhandled weaker players on the blocks. The body language of his opponents suggested that guarding Fortson was akin to being run over by a large vehicle repeatedly for 40 minutes.

Did I leave anyone out?

Oh the Humanity

2007-02-27T23:05:00.000-05:00

Shaun Livingston could still be running point for Duke, saving all of us from being subjected to Greg Paulus. Most people argue that only a handful of players have been ready to go straight from high school to the NBA. Shaun Livingston wasn’t one of those players, but he is the ultimate benefactor from going pro early. Livingston’s gelatin knees failed him again last night, when he suffered a grotesque injury on a fast break. It’s sad to see that a 21 year old kid’s career could actually be over before he ever really got going. Fortunately, he’s got the guaranteed money from being the number four pick in the draft. If Livingston went to college and suffered similar injuries, he could have just taken his braids out, picked out his fro and gone by Cedric Bozeman. Livingston has tantalized us with his great court vision, shifty ball-handling, and the fact that he’s a legitimate 6’7” point guard. I don’t mean to write an obituary for the guy, but it’s pretty hard to imagine he’ll ever be a star in the league, and this is just more bad news for Billy Crystal, Bill Simmons, and both of the other Clippers fans.

Whenever you draft a kid out of high school, it’s always a calculated risk, but when you keep him for a couple of seasons and start to get the distinct impression that he’s never going to be healthy for more than a month at the time, you’re asking for trouble down the road. Livingston was playing well this year, but the Clippers should have been aware of their star-crossed tenure in the NBA. He was the ultimate trade bait, and could have been packaged with Corey Maggette, a draft pick and reeled in a guy like Vince Carter. Instead, they’ll just have a crippled PG who looks like a girl (with a wispy mustache), an overpaid sixth man (with considerable handsomeness), and another draft pick that they will undoubtedly misuse. Donald Sterling, you may begin kicking yourself in the ass at your ready.

Another Take on Tubby...

2007-02-26T18:15:00.000-05:00

Tubby is a good coach. Not a great coach but a good coach.

Good coaches can win with certain types of players. Great coaches can win with a variety of players.

Let's look at the NBA. Coaches are constantly moving around from team to team, many times fired from one team for doing a bad job, only to be picked up by another team where they do a good job. Flip Saunders was fired from Minnesota after two bad seasons. He was hired after one season off by the Detroit Pistons and has them atop the East and looking like the only team capable of defeating any team in the West. Jeff Van Gundy was ousted at New York and is now in a two man race with Jerry Sloan for coach of the year. Did these coaches all of a sudden learn how to coach during their time off? Probabaly not. They spent most of their time doing color commentary and in Van Gundy's case sleeping during the day and drinking blood from young teenager necks. Good coaches can win with players that fit their system, players that respond well to their coaching style. Great coaches on the other hand are always in contention, no matter what type of players they have. They are able to adapt their coaching style to the type of players they have. Greg Popovich, Jerry Sloan ... these guys always seem to get the most from their teams regardless of talent, experience or personalities.

Now back to Tubby. Tubby is a good coach. He has a certain style of play, a certain personality that many players respond well too and he is able to get the most out of these players. Tubby's biggest problem is his inability to adapt. Sadly, this is one of the most important traits in a college head coach to keep his program at an elite level. Tubby coaches one way, a good way. A way that has provided him with enough success to reach a national program such as Kentucky and be constantly brought up in conversations for positions in the NBA. I think Tubby's biggest problem is his ego. He is unable to try new things with a team, and coach a way that he is not used to. This is what makes Krzyzewski and Pitino the two best college coaches right now. Both of these guys speak about the changes they have to make in their coaching styles each year.

Field of 65--version 8

2007-02-25T22:12:00.000-05:00

(about 1 week has passed since last version)

1)
UCLA (25-3); Ohio State (26-3); Florida (25-4); Wisconsin (26-4)
*Considering how talented the Pac-10 is this year, UCLA’s 14-2 conference record is all the more impressive. The Bruins' perimeter threesome of Arron Afflalo, Josh Shipp, and Darren Collison is tops in the nation. Combine that with a solid frontcourt and a number of super-athletic, extra-long bench performers, and you might have this year’s national champs. Even with their losses this past week, I really like this Wisconsin team.
2)
North Carolina (24-5); Texas A&M (24-4); Kansas (25-4); Georgetown (22-5)
*If you look at the Jayhawks’ victory margins, it’s obvious they have the potential to make a big run in the tournament. I’m just not convinced that the effort is going to be there every night. Georgetown has now won 11 in a row. They also have about as much post depth as I can remember any team having within my viewing lifetime. Nobody is going to want to play them in the tournament.
3)
Washington State (23-5); Memphis (25-3); Pittsburgh (24-5); Nevada (26-2)
*So, which elite program is going to steal Tony Bennett away from Washington State? Memphis is a total mystery heading into the tournament. They’ve been beating up on C-USA teams for so long that you have to wonder if they know how to compete against the nation’s best. Pittsburgh’s Jamie Dixon is a very underrated coach. His players play tough defense, and he gets the most out of their abilities.
4)
Southern Illinois (25-5); Virginia Tech (20-8); Oregon (22-7); Texas (21-7)
*This was a big bounce-back week for Virginia Tech and Oregon. Tied for first in the ACC, the Hokies picked up wins against Boston College and Miami. After consecutive losses to Arizona, California, and Stanford, the Ducks picked up a couple of nice wins against Washington State and Washington. However, the fact that Oregon plays with such a small lineup pretty much assures their early exit from the dance. I don’t feel very good about Texas being a 4 seed. Rick Barnes has done an excellent job with this very inexperienced team, but I really think this spot is up for grabs.
5)
Duke (22-7); USC (21-8); Notre Dame (22-6); Virginia (19-8)
*I’ve been sleeping on Notre Dame for too long. Virginia’s loss to Miami really hurts their chances at a higher seed. However, they do have Virginia Tech at home and Wake Forest on the road this coming week.
6)
Louisville (21-8); Maryland (22-7); Marquette (22-8); Vanderbilt (19-9)
*As a Louisville fan, I couldn’t be much more excited about the futures of Derrick Caracter and Earl Clark. They haven’t been playing great as of late, but with their perimeter triad of Dominic James, Jerel McNeal, and Wesley Matthews, Marquette will be a tough team for anyone to play in the tourney. Vandy’s wings (Derrick Byars and Shan Foster) are outstanding. They’re long and athletic. Plus, they can shoot the three.
7)
Boston College (19-9); UNLV (23-6); Butler (26-5); Kentucky (19-9)
*It will be interesting to see what the selection committee does about Butler. Yes, they started out great, picking up wins against Notre Dame, Indiana, Tennessee, Gonzaga, and Purdue, but they have losses to Indiana State, Illinois-Chicago, Wright State, and Loyola-Chicago.
8)
Michigan State (21-8); West Virginia (20-7); Tennessee (20-9); Air Force (23-6)
*Michigan State is this week’s Louisville. The Spartans picked up much-needed wins against Wisconsin and Indiana. Thankfully, Air Force’s losses to UNLV and TCU mean we won’t have to watch the Falcons get an undeserved 4 seed.
9)
Indiana (18-9); BYU (21-7); Arizona (18-9); Villanova (19-9)
*The only good thing about the Hoosiers’ recent troubles: D.J. White will probably be sticking around next year, which means he and Eric Gordon can spend next year dunking on people’s faces…together. Arizona hasn’t played consistently well all season. Yet, for some reason, they will get a higher seed than they deserve. Villanova freshman point guard Scottie Reynolds is going to be special (if he stays in school for at least 3 years).
10)
Illinois (21-9); Stanford (17-10); Winthrop (25-4); Kansas State (20-9)
*Illinois is going to be a tough out in the tourney. Their post pair of Warren Carter and Shaun Pruitt is a beastly combination. Winthrop’s 4 losses are to North Carolina, Maryland, Wisconsin, and Texas A&M. Not too shabby.
11)
Xavier (21-7); Syracuse (20-8); Purdue (18-10); VCU (24-6)
*I’m willing to bet that the selection committee will find some reason to leave Purdue out of the field. This will be one of the committee’s biggest mistakes. The Boilermakers have some nice wins (Oklahoma, DePaul, Virginia, Missouri, Michigan, Illinois, Michigan State, and Indiana) and star power (Carl Landry and David Teague).
12)
Appalachian State (24-6); Davidson (26-4); Texas Tech (18-11); Georgia (17-10)
*Texas Tech doesn’t have a great record, but they have 2 wins over Texas A&M and one over Kansas. They also have Jarrius Jackson and Martin Zeno, one of the best duos in the nation. I have trouble giving Georgia a bid, but I also have trouble seeing the SEC as a 4-bid league. However, that might be what happens on Selection Sunday.
13)
Missouri State (21-9); Akron (21-6); Long Beach State (19-7); Vermont (23-6)
*Missouri State gets my last at-large bid. And since there will be upsets in the conference tourneys, I really think there will only be 1 bid for the Missouri Valley (unless Southern Illinois gets upset in the MVC tourney). However, the media’s love affair with “The Valley” will no doubt inspire the selection committee to force another MVC representative into the field.
14)
Santa Clara (20-8); Holy Cross (22-8); Marist (23-7); Western Kentucky (21-10)
*The Patriot League tourney may be worth watching if Holy Cross and Bucknell reach the finals. Western Kentucky gets South Alabama's spot after the Jaguars dropped games to Florida Atlantic and Troy this past week. It should be an interesting Sun Belt tourney.
15)
Oral Roberts (20-10); Texas A&M-Corpus Christie (21-6); East Tennessee State (22-8); Austin Peay (19-10)
*I hope Tennessee Tech beats Austin Peay in the OVC tourney.
16)
Weber State (18-10); Pennsylvania (19-8); Central Connecticut State (18-11); Delaware State (17-11); Jackson State (16-12)
*The Ivy League representative always gets seeded too high. I anticipate that this year will be no different.

IN: Georgia; Illinois; Missouri State; Texas Tech; Western Kentucky
OUT: Alabama; Clemson; Creighton; Oklahoma State; South Alabama

Dominant College Basketball Players--The Scorers and The Defenders

2007-02-24T19:25:00.000-05:00

So, since the beginning of the college basketball season, I've been working on a post examining who is the most dominant college basketball player within my viewing lifetime. It is currently about 9 pages (single-spaced). Obviously, no one wants to take the time to read that long of a post at once. So, I think I am going to periodically post different sections of what has turned into a sort of research paper.

A few things to keep in mind:

1) I'm going with the 1989-90 season as my starting date. I was a pretty big UNLV fan and an even bigger fan of the Shark, so we'll start with the year the Runnin' Rebels beat Duke in the Finals. All players that played during that season or after are eligible for inclusion.

2) I have only ranked the 5 most dominant players. The post examining these 5 players will be the last post. Until then, I will post categories of players that didn't quite make the cut. These players are not ranked. Rather, they are grouped together by some sort of defining characteristic.

3) This is all about dominance. For instance, Grant Hill was one hell of a college basketball player, one of the most complete players I can remember. However, I wouldn't consider him one of the 5 most dominant. Dominant players are the ones I couldn't keep my eyes off of, the ones that dictated the outcomes of games, the ones that put together dominant careers. Simply put, they're the ones that you knew no one could stop when they got in the zone.

This first post examines players that exelled at one end of the floor (but not so much on the other end).

Category 1: The Scorers

This group of players excelled on the offensive end of the court, but didn’t much care for the defensive end (with the exception of Kerry Kittles who was a pretty solid defender). Sure, guys like Allen Iverson could turn it on for a possession on the defensive end, but, even then, they were utilizing their superior quickness to attempt steals and make plays. Their lack of defense, and, in many cases, their unwillingness or inability to include their teammates on offense keeps them out of the Top 5. All of these players were truly a threat to score the moment they touched the ball. In fact, you felt confident that they would find a way to score or get to the free throw line, double-teamed or otherwise.

Allen Iverson (Georgetown): Simply unguardable in the college ranks (and almost unguardable in the NBA). AI’s quickness and balance confounded many a defender. His shooting has improved tremendously since making the jump to the pros. Interestingly, because of this lack of a truly consistent outside shot during his college career, he probably isn’t one of the top 5 offensive talents during my college basketball-viewing lifetime.

Jimmy Jackson (Ohio State): I really did consider Jackson for the Top 5 Overall Most Dominant Players. He was physically dominant, overpowering other guards and wings. He controlled the tempo of the game and had a presence on the court that was undeniable. I remember watching him against the Fab 5 and just being amazed by his ability to score, despite the fact that the entire defense was focused on him. He took a lot of shots but never forced it.

Luke Jackson (Oregon): He had a very good career at Oregon, but his senior year was something to behold. An excellent passer, Jackson actually did make those around him better, unlike most players in this category. He had an uncanny ability to recognize mismatches and holes in defenses, which kept teams from double-teaming him on every possession. Jackson had one of the most sophisticated offensive games I’ve ever witnessed in a college player. His face up game was superb. He could shoot the outside shot, and he could do a little posting-up. Jackson wasn’t quick, but he had excellent body control. I’m still shocked he didn’t pan out in the NBA. Playing the same position as Lebron James in Cleveland didn’t help out. Not too interested in defense. He's now toiling away in the D-League.

Kerry Kittles (Villanova): A good defender and amazing scorer. I was a huge Kerry Kittles fan. Probably my second favorite college player of all time (after Jalen Rose). In 8th grade, I wore my socks like Kittles (one knee-high and one ankle-length). Could absolutely fill it up. Kittles was one of those guys that could score 20 a game without dominating the ball on every possession.

Adam Morrison (Gonzaga): J.J. Redick hit 3’s on a team that forced opponents to guard everyone. Morrison hit shots from everywhere with multiple defenders in his face, on a team which allowed opponents to double-team him. Of all of the players in this category, Morrison was the best at moving without the ball. A crafty offensive player, Morrison, like Luke Jackson, knew how to take advantage of being double-teamed and did an excellent job of exploiting mismatches and defensive weaknesses. He also cried during a game.

Lawrence Moten (Syracuse): A lot like Kittles. Ultra thin but wiry strong. Great at getting to the basket off the dribble from the wing. Excellent at getting to the rim against stronger opponents. Probably had to have the ball in hands more to get his numbers than Kittles. I don’t understand how a guy who had such an amazing career in the Big East was a failure in the pros.

J.J. Redick (Duke): Just a brilliant shooter. In fairness to Redick, he did show flashes of a dribble-drive game and a mid-range jumper during his senior year. I can’t think of another player in the last 20 years as athletically limited as Redick who was so dominant on offense. A big time-prick.

Glenn Robinson (Purdue): Offensively, the Big Dog pretty much ruled college basketball for one season. Had an excellent mid-range game, especially for a big guy. Presented a mismatch for every opponent. Very good with his back to the basket. Just found ways to score. One of the most mature offensive repertoires that college basketball has every seen. May as well have stayed on the offensive end of the court while Purdue was on defense.

Steve Smith (Michigan State): Didn’t make his teammates better but such an offensive talent. Very smart one-on-one offensive player. Excellent shooter. Used his body like a big man on the wing. One of the most patient gunners I’ve ever seen. It’s a shame his NBA career seems to have been forgotten so quickly.

Category 2: The Defenders

It is very rare in college basketball that a defensive-minded player dominates. My theory is that the most talented players are required to score for their teams to put enough points on the board to win. Therefore, they expend their energy on the offensive end of the floor and are forced to slack off a bit on the defensive end. These 5 defenders stand out because they were on talented teams that allowed them to work on defense. They didn’t have to carry the entire scoring load.

Stacy Augmon (UNLV): A shut-down defender. Made steals. Blocked shots. The Scottie Pippen to Larry Johnson’s Michael Jordan. With rare exception absolutely took the opponent’s top scorer out of the game. Extremely versatile, Plastic Man could guard a number of positions. As sophisticated on defense as Glenn Robinson or Luke Jackson on offense.

Shane Battier (Duke): As a leader, this guy, much to my chagrin, was unparalleled. He almost dominated games by the sheer force of his personality. He really wasn’t overwhelmingly dominant at anything but was very good at a lot of things. Defense was his strength, but I would argue that he was definitely the least dominant of the 5 on this list. Battier was versatile on the defensive end, capable of guarding the opponents’ 2, 3, or 4, and he came up with more loose balls than I care to remember.

Marcus Camby (Massachusetts): While it may be hard to believe it watching him as a Nugget, Camby used to be a pretty good offensive player. Opposing centers, couldn’t run the floor with the fleet of foot Camby and power forwards couldn’t contain him on the blocks. Despite his knack for scoring as a collegiate athlete, Camby’s real strength was on the defensive end where he dictated his opponents’ shot selection. In the A-10, his size and skill allowed him to run roughshod over an entire conference.

Alonzo Mourning (Georgetown): Intimidated opposing players driving to the hoop like no one else during my lifetime (Shaq included). A tremendous shot blocker, Zo could change the pace of the game from the center position. Underrated offensively but really made a name for himself altering shots and games on the defensive end.

Emeka Okafor (Connecticut): Closest thing to Mourning since Mourning. Great timing makes him an excellent shot blocker. Excellent body control made Okafor less foul-prone than many dominant defenders. Moved his feet like a wing defender and blocked shots so that his teammates gained possession. Just swallowed up would-be shooters.

OK, who did I forget? I'm taking nominations.

"Gangzta's" Paradise

2007-02-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

Here are some comments that recently appeared on a UK message board. The first post is the opening thread and the following posts are the comments that followed. For all of you that loathe UK, enjoy. For those of us that love UK, I'm sorry.

1. A black friend of mine from Nashville told me this. I asked him why, and he said that, for years, light blue has been a popular gang color throughout the United States. Naturally, since UNC has light blue as their primary color, many gangs started wearing UNC merchandise. In short, he said, UNC gear has become a symbol for the "thug" or "gang" mentality.

-- The color ain't cool, it's something babies wear. IMO, it's ugly. Still, I would have never thought of it in a million years as a "gang" color. I guess I need to get with the program.

-- I'm a high school counselor and work with lot's of teenagers who are 'gang aware'. The answer is that yes, Carolina Blue stuff is very popular in gang culture. Our school resource officers (deputies in the school) confirm this.

--According to my friend. He said that it nothing to do with liking the color. Instead, he said it was used as a symbol. I already knew that rap artists wore UNC stuff, but I never put the two together. I can tell you this, you don't see very much of it in the Commomwealth.

--And, no matter how much you liked a particular school's color, why would you wear their stuff if you were not a FAN of that school? Answer: It is a symbol that is percieved as "gansta" or "cool". By the way, my buddy is a teacher down at a public school in Nashville. So, I got this from a reliable source, so to speak.

--Could the Tarheels be a young gang of Crips?

--This is absolutely TRUE. I am from Franklin which is 25 misn south of Nashville. I grew up there and had several friends in gangs and they were members of a smaller gang who had close connections with the CRIPS. They all wore baby blue. They had UNC jerseys, baby blue "soldier rags", and even had baby blue airbrushed shoes. It is terrible but true that UNC colors have become a flag for gangstas, thugs, and drugs.

--How ironic is it that ganb-bangers wear my two least favorite colors: Carolina Blue when they're out, Tennessee Orange when they're back in jail.

I wish I was creative enough to make any of this stuff up. Sadly, I am not. Sadly, these things were really posted.

Jumping Bull Speaks

2007-02-21T17:22:00.000-05:00

*The following is a guest post by Jumping Bull, a dear friend of Awesome USA! Through the medium of poetry, Jumping Bull is making a plea to the Indiana Pacers brass to pull the trigger and make a deal for Corey Maggette before the trade deadline. Enjoy.

The Song of Jermainawatha: Corey Maggette’s Wooing

“As unto the bow the cord is,
So unto Carlisle is Bird;
Though he bends him, he obeys him,
Though he draws him, yet he follows;
Useless each without the other!”

Thus the youthful Jermainawatha
Said within himself and pondered,
Much perplexed by various feelings,
Listless, longing, hoping, fearing,
Dreaming still of Allen Iverson,
Of the lovely streets of Philly,
In the land of the Roc-A-Fellas.”

“Trade Jamal and Stephen Jackson,”
Warning said the old Jumping Bull (aka Me);
“Go not westward, but go eastward,
For we need a skillful point guard!
Like a fire upon the hearth-stone
Is the Sixers Allen Iverson,
Like the starlight or the moonlight
Is the handsomest of ballers!”

Thus dissuading spake Jumping Bull.
And my Jermainawatha answered
Only this: “Dear old Jumping Bull
Very pleasant is the firelight,
But I like the starlight better,
Better do I like Los Angeles!”

Gravely then said old Jumping Bull;
“Bring not here an idle Bibby,
Bring not here a useless Gasol,
Hands unskillful, feet unwilling;
Bring a 3 with nimble fingers,
Heart and hand that move together,
Feet that run and jump for face dunks!”

Smiling answered Jermainawatha:
“In the land of the Dacotahs (aka L.A.)
Lives the Krzyzewski protégé,
Corey Maggette, Laughing Water,
Handsomest of all the small forwards.
I will bring him to your wigwam (aka Conseco Fieldhouse)
He shall run and jump for face dunks,
Be your starlight, moonlight, firelight,
Be the sunlight of my people!”

Yet the deadline loomed like storm clouds,
and the trade winds moved beneath them
Thus the wheels were set in motion,
And Dunleavy Jr. was the dowery,
Reunited with his father, balding Chief of the Dacotahs.
Thus it was they journeyed homeward;
Journeyed to Conseco Fieldhouse,
Journeyed to the Eastern Finals

Still unto Jermainawatha,
To the lodge of old Jumping Bull
Brought the moonlight, starlight, firelight,
Brought the sunshine of his people,
Corey Maggette, Laughing Water,
Handsomest of all the small forwards
In the land of the Dacotahs,
In the land of handsome threes.

USC Goalie 'Embarrassed' After Attempt to Recreate Scene from Mighty Ducks 2

2007-02-21T13:07:00.000-05:00

In an odd display of events Tuesday night, Mickey Meyer, the starting goalie for the University of Southern California Hockey team, was ejected from the game after dropping his pants, riding his stick around like a horse, and slapping his bare buttocks during a game against Brigham Young University.

At the stoppage of play, after several penalites were being assesed, Meyer attempted to pump up his teammates and loyal fans by recreating the scene from D2: The Mighty Ducks, where the forever-sexy Dean Portman began stripping in the penalty box. "I guess it just goes to show you there are some things left for the movies and some things left for real life," Meyer said after the game in handcuffs. He went on, "Yeah, I went a little overboard. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for all of the kids out there who had to see my bare ass. I'm sorry for the parents who will have to explain the incident to their children tonite. But I'm a big fan of the Mighty Ducks, I think all of us are. Excuse me for trying to recreate that moment."

Known for two weeks, after the release of D2, as the A.C. Slater for a new generation, Aaron Lohr, who portrayed Portman had little to say about the incident. "It's just sad. Sad that people think they can translate what happens in movies into real life. I'm an actor. I'm not really Dean Portman. I can do other stuff, just give me a fucking chance."

Meyer was ticketed with obscene behavior and indecent exposure. He will also likely be suspended for several games. "I'm just really upset about the whole thing. I mean have any of you even seen D2?"

Scott Whyte, who played Gunnar Stahl (member of the dreaded Iceland team), thought it was great that someone was trying to honor the movie. "It's great that we made such an impact on today's college youth." And no, for any of you still wondering, he never did get to hookup with Julie "The Cat" Gaffney no matter what the end of the movie might have suggested. "Yeah, I really thought there could have been some sort of spin-off with that," he responded, "at the very least I could have been the boyfriend in the D3, and maybe transfer to the school and play with team. I thought that was at least a possibility."

"Maybe years down the road," Meyer said, "Maybe enough time hadn't passed for someone to try something like this. But I think 20, 40 years from now, when my kids and grandkids see video of this they will repsect what I tried to do out there. That is if any girl will ever talk to me again."

Comments by Tom Brady That Sound Like GOB Bluth

2007-02-20T15:30:00.000-05:00

Holding an Elevator:
"Yeah, right. Like the guy who just impregnated Brigdet Moynahan and is currently sleeping with Gisele Bundchen is going to hold the elevator for the guy who will never see either one of them in his lifetime? C'mon!"

At a press conference:
"Ok. Ok. The guy sleeping with supermodels and actresses is going to answer questions from a crowd of reporters now? C'mon!"

In the locker room at a filled to capacity jacuzzi:
"Whoa. What am I supposed to do get my supermodel girlfriend to massage these calves? C'mon!"

In the huddle:
"Run the play. Run the play now. Yeah, ok. The only guy on this team whose sperm is good enough to impregnate model/actresses has to worry about alienating his teammates? C'mon!"

Picking child up from Bridget:
"Right, right, right ... right ... rig.... The guy who will be motorboating a supermodel in a couple hours has to change dirty diapers? Come on."

Field of 65--version 7

2007-02-19T16:12:00.000-05:00

(about 1 week has passed since last version)
1)
Wisconsin (26-2); Florida (24-3); UCLA (23-3); North Carolina (23-4)
*How is it possible that Wisconsin is my overall number 1? They play hard every game. Plus, the Big 10 is a little down this year. Moreover, it’s a testament to Bo Ryan, Alando Tucker, and hard-nosed defense. However, I’d be willing to bet that they won’t be in this position at the end of the conference tourneys.
2)
Ohio State (24-3); Texas A&M (22-4); Kansas (23-4); Washington State (22-4)
*Question: Why do I have Ohio State as a 2 seed and North Carolina as a 1 seed, despite the fact that the Tar Heels lost to Virginia Tech at home this past week? Answer: Ohio State’s second-half performance against Penn State. The Buckeyes were outscored by 19 and ended up with a 2-point win.
3)
Pittsburgh (23-4); Memphis (23-3); Nevada (24-2); Georgetown (20-5)
*Is Memphis tournament-tested? Well, Memphis has won all but one of its C-USA games by double digits. This past weekend they squeaked by a Gonzaga club that I don’t even have in the field this week.
4)
Southern Illinois (23-5); Air Force (23-4); Virginia (18-7); Butler (24-4)
*Let me be the first to admit that, with the exception of Southern Illinois, none of these teams deserve a 4 seed. Unfortunately, with all of the upsets this past week, no one deserves these slots. Virginia, tied with North Carolina for first in the ACC, has one of the best backcourts in the nation. Both J.R. Reynolds and Sean Singletary average 18.4 ppg. Plus, the Cavaliers are 9-1 over their last 10 games.
5)
West Virginia (20-6); Virginia Tech (18-8); Marquette (21-7); Oregon (20-7)
*Virginia Tech had an opportunity to become a legitimate 4 seed after beating North Carolina on the road. Then came a 25-point loss at North Carolina State. How exactly does a team that sweeps UNC get swept by the Wolf Pack? That being said, I still think the Hokies could be dangerous come tournament time (unless, of course, the NC State loss was the beginning of the end). They have 3 seniors that play more than 20 minutes a game, 4 guys averaging at least 11 ppg, and they play unselfish basketball. Definitely a case of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. Marquette is still 8-5 in the Big East, but Tom Crean’s team had a horrible week, with losses to DePaul and Louisville.
6)
Boston College (18-8); Texas (19-7); Duke (20-7); Vanderbilt (18-8)
*Well, I guess all that Duke not making the tourney talk is over. They bounced back with wins over Boston College and Georgia Tech. I love Vandy’s Derrick Byars. He’s one of the most versatile players in the nation, and I’m starting to think he might be the SEC player of the year.
7)
Maryland (20-7); Kentucky (18-8); Notre Dame (20-6); Stanford (17-8)
*Last week, I predicted that Maryland wouldn’t make the tournament. Well, the Terps proved me wrong. They’ve won their last 3 ACC games by double digits, and 2 of those were on the road. I won’t even go into the Kentucky situation. For more on Kentucky, see the immediately preceding post by Runs with Two Horses.
8)
BYU (20-6); USC (19-8); Indiana (17-8); Villanova (18-8);
*Like Virginia Tech, USC also missed a chance to move into a 4 seed. They completed the sweep of Arizona earlier in the week and then fell to Arizona State, giving the Sun Devils their first conference win of the season. It hurts me to give the Hoosiers an 8 seed, but they’re really struggling. After beating Wisconsin on January 31, Indiana has lost away from home against Iowa, Purdue, and Minnesota. Their only win during that span came at home against Illinois. Fortunately, they close the season out with back-to-back games against Northwestern and then at home against Penn State.
9)
Louisville (19-8); Alabama (19-7); UNLV (22-6); Arizona (17-9)
*Louisville might have had the best week of all. At the beginning of the week, the Cards were a respectable 7-4 in the Big East but lacked any signature wins. One week later, Louisville has added road wins against Pitt and Marquette to its tourney resume. Plus, that Syracuse victory is starting to look a little more respectable, as Jim Boeheim’s team has started playing better.
10)
Clemson (19-7); Oklahoma State (19-7); Kansas State (19-8); Tennessee (18-9)
*Oklahoma State has gotten worse over the course of the season. Plus, they can’t win on the road. I think these guys are just exhausted. Apparently, they’re playing with 7 or 8 scholarship players. It would be a real shame (for the viewing public) if Mario Boggan doesn’t get an opportunity to do his thing in the Big Dance.
11)
Michigan State (19-8); Purdue (17-9); Syracuse (19-8); Xavier (19-7)
*Michigan State makes a return to the field after picking up double digit wins against Michigan and Iowa. Drew Neitzel may be the Spartans’ MVP, but freshman Raymar Morgan is the key to their tourney chances.
12)
Winthrop (23-4); VCU (22-6); Akron (18-5); Creighton (18-9)
*I finally got a chance to see Winthrop in action, and they didn’t disappoint, as they picked up an 11-point road win at Missouri State. They won’t be seeded this high, but, for now, they deserve to be.
13)
Appalachian State (21-6); Davidson (21-4); Santa Clara (20-7); Long Beach State (18-7)
*How can I justify giving the Southern Conference 2 bids? I probably can’t, but I’ll try. Based on Appalachian State’s Bracketbuster win at Wichita State, the Mountaineers’ stellar record, the fact that they beat Davidson at Davidson earlier in the season, and their wins over Vanderbilt and Virginia, I think Appalachian State is the best team in the Southern Conference, despite the fact that they’re 2 games back in the conference. Still, I’m giving them the Southern Conference automatic bid. Davidson gets the last at-large by virtue of their 21-4 record. That leaves Illinois as the first team out. Santa Clara’s 11-point victory at Gonzaga made me a believer. Steve Nash U gets the nod over a Gonzaga team that is really going to miss Josh Heytvelt.
14)
South Alabama (20-8); Vermont (21-6); Oral Roberts (19-9); Holy Cross (20-8)
*Well, Runs with Two Horses, your South Alabama Jaguars picked up a pretty good win against Houston this past week. Unfortunately, they turned around and dropped one to lowly Florida International, which snapped the Jags’ 13-game winning streak. So, I had to drop them down to a 14 seed. Still, I must admit, they deserve the Sun Belt bid over my Hilltoppers.
15)
Marist (21-7); Austin Peay (18-8); Texas A&M-Corpus Christie (19-5); East Tennessee State (20-8)
*I think it would be awesome if the selection committee matches 2 seed Texas A&M against 15 seed Texas A&M-Corpus Christie in the first round of the tourney. Does anyone else think that would be awesome?
16)
Weber State (18-10); Pennsylvania (17-8); Central Connecticut State (17-11); Jackson State (16-11); Delaware State (15-11)
*I don’t have the energy to try to make up an imaginary team joke about Central Connecticut State this week. I’ll try again next week.

IN: Appalachian State; Louisville; Michigan State; Santa Clara; Syracuse
OUT: Florida State; Gonzaga; Hofstra; Missouri State; Washington

Back to the Woodshed, Tubby

2007-02-18T22:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Tubby,

I’m not finished with you yet, my friend. I know I just vented my frustrations a week ago, but after UK out-underachieved Alabama, more input is needed. What I would really like is to spar with you a la Richard Gere and Louis Gossett Jr. in Officer and a Gentleman. Finish the deal once and for all. Until then, I’ll just post meaningless blog entries that you will never read.

I’ve mentioned my disdain for Tubby’s failure to properly utilize his talent, but let’s walk through this slowly. Kentucky’s top five players are probably Randolph Morris, Joe Crawford, Ramel Bradley, Derrick Jasper, and Jodie Meeks. That’s four guards and a center. What style of play would be best suited for this personnel? You probably want to get them out in the open court and really extend your defense to take advantage of quicker players that can cover a lot of ground. I know the fans always want to see their team running and gunning, but most teams simply don’t have the personnel for that to be plausible. This team has the horses, but they’re not using them. The Cats walk the ball up the court and set up the most painfully stagnant half-court offense in the history of the universe. Tubby is trying to feed me gorgonzola but it’s clearly brie time, baby. While I’m bashing the Alabama game plan, I have to give Perry Stevenson an obligatory shout out. The Cats have shown a propensity for giving up baseline leading to easy lay ups. Stevenson does a few things that make me wonder why he doesn’t play more. First, he is the only guy on the team that looks like a power forward. Second, he’s the only guy on the team with the size and mobility to play post defense to take away penetration when a perimeter defender’s man gets by him. Third, he continuously produces more per minute than Bobby Perry and Sheray Thomas. Against Alabama, Sheray and Bobby combined for two points and one rebound in thirty minutes of action, while Stevenson had two points and three rebounds in nine minutes. UK also went on that 8-0 run to get back within three points while Stevenson was in the game. Then Tubby promptly removed him and the game started to slip away. Seriously, Tubby’s two senior power forwards combined for two points and one rebound in thirty minutes. Why do they keep getting to play so much? Do they have naked pictures of Tubby and John Amaechi? Is Saul Smith bound and gagged in their dorm room? I don’t understand.

I know, I know, I’m just one of those crazy UK fans that freaks out whenever the Cats lose a game. Well maybe I am crazy….crazy like a fox! You want some history? I’ll throw the damn book at you, let’s take a look at the rundown:

Aside from the probationary times of 1989 to 1990, when UK lost a combined 33 games in two seasons, the most combined losses in consecutive seasons for UK basketball was 21 games in 73 and 74. Tubby’s Cats already met that mark this year, and considering he still has to take the Cats to Gainesville, compete in the SEC tournament, and the NCAA tournament (I’m assuming), he’s going to set the new precedent for non-probationary futility.

Ten loss seasons by coach:

Adolph Rupp: two ten loss seasons in 87 years as UK’s head coach

Joe B. Hall: four ten loss seasons in fourteen years

Eddie Sutton: two ten loss seasons in four years

Rick Pitino: one ten loss season in eight years

Tubby Smith: five ten loss seasons (counting this season) in ten years

It’s a good thing Tubby has been blessed with UofL’s recent futility, or else people would really be dogging him. Of course UofL beat more ranked teams last week than UK has defeated in the last two seasons. You want that again? Louisville beat Pitt and Marquette last week, and in the last two seasons UK has one total win against the top 25. That’s not going to help things out for Orlando.

UK’s current record against the RPI top 50 this season is 3-8.

Looks like this Junior Class is not living up to it’s billing as the number one recruiting class in the country. Remember the last time UK landed the top recruiting class? That’s right, 1993. Those guys compiled 14 NCAA tournament victories (19 if you count Prickett’s redshirt senior season) and two Final Fours (three counting Prickett). So how does the present class stack up? Four NCAA tournament wins…AND COUNTING!! I figure they’ve got a solid three wins left in them for the next two seasons, so they might be able to get half as many NCAA tournament wins as our last number one recruiting class. I know that’s a tough comparison for Randolph and friends to live up to, but that’s what Kentucky basketball is supposed to be.

So I’ve already lobbied for John Pelphrey to become the next UK coach, and I think UK should also look at Tom Crean and Billy Donovan. But I know UK’s AD, Mitch Barnhart, is a Pacific Coast type of fella. I’m thinking he might want to go with Ernie Kent, Mark Few, or Tony Bennett. What do you guys think? I want answers damn it. My address hasn’t changed, so you can still send all fan mail to

Runs With Two Horses c/o Awesome USA!
Clock Tower, Apt. 1
Cynical Valley, USA 49023

Bacardi Gras

2007-02-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

This saturday I attended Mardi Gras in St. Louis down in the Soulard neighborhood. We all woke up around 9 o clock to start drinking a little, and then headed down to the party around 2 o clock. Though I carried around a milk jug of rum and coke, I remained sober to be sure I could remember all of the details from the day. To set the story up I took a cab to the area with friends Tony, Pete, Scott, Pops, and Megan. We were walking down the street, headed to a party held by a guy Tony knew from college, and stopped in the street to look up at a house with three second floor windows. Out of each window there were at least two girls hanging out flashing the crowd while drunk men and women threw beads up to them. This is when Tony turned to me and said, "Alright here's the party we are going to." We went inside and I made sure to make a mental note of everything that happened. However, my friend Scott wrote a blog that perfectly captured our Mardi Gras experience. With his permission I am posting it to this blog. It tells the story of our friend, Pete, who just drank way too much.

My Mardi Gras Experience (the Pete part)
Alright, Pete was one of my favorite people at Mardi Gras this year. He got fucking hammered before we even arrived at the scene. Since we had to split up the group into two separate cabs, I first saw Pete down there from the second floor window while standing next to some flashers. Pete seriously looked like a little kid at Disneyland who had just woken up from a nap. It was hilarious to watch him wandering around with this glazed look in his eyes. And members of our group kept having to yell, "Pete, come on." If he had gotten lost, God bless his little soul, I am afraid we might not have ever heard from him again. Anyway, once he got up into a window next to some flashers, that was it. We couldn't fucking pry him away. We ended up leaving the party and Pete was still at the window. What he didn't seem to understand though, was that no one wanted to see him. We went down to the street and watched the mayhem unfold as Pete kept agitating the crowd but remaining in the window. I know people were launching at him at least the following: ice, dirty snowballs, beer cans, broken bead necklaces, and a beer bottle. This last one caused the entire party to be shut down by the cops simply because Pete was agitating the crowd so much. My good man, Tony, rescued Pete from himself, and craftily hid Pete under his own ski cap as he made his way back down to the street. Oh yeah, in his haste, Pete left his milk-jug of beer open on the window sill, which he would later return to retrieve and subsequently consume. So we ended up going back to the same place later after the party resumed (meaning after the cops left). Here Pete kept wanting to go back to the window even though he continued to get pelted with flying debris. He literally had welts on his face from where he had been struck. We finally got hungry around 6pm and went to get some pizza. On the way back to the party, Pete walked straight through a lower-calf deep puddle of frozen slush without flinching. Obviously he was oblivious to pain by this point. Of course, he lacked common sense as well because he dropped his pizza slice onto the fucking disgusting snow in this alleyway and picked it up and ate it. It was the most extreme thing I saw all day, hands down. So, of course, when we arrived back at the party, Pete went back to the window. Goddammit, Pete. Now it was getting annoying. We left him and caught a taxi back. I told Taylor the whole day, "Pete is going to get his ass beaten before the day is over." I swear, we weren't in the cab for five minutes before Pete called to say that he had just gotten punched in the face and his nose was bleeding everywhere. When asked why, Pete replied, "No reason, he just punched me in the face."
"So, he just walked up to you and punched you."
"Basically, yeah."
"You didn't say anything at all to provoke him?"
"Well, I said,'Why you gotta act like such a fucking idiot.'"
"Well, that's probably why he punched you."
"But that's not a good reason!"

Oh Pete.

*(Editor's Note - For the people who know Natty well, this was one of those scenes were Natty would have laughed so hard at the drunken idiots he wouldn't have been able to breathe. We really did stand in the street, amongst 100 drunken men, and watch them throw anything they could find at Pete. Once Tony smuggled Pete past the cops, past the angry mob, and finally to safety, I noticed he had welps on his face where he had been hit with the beads. The lesson learned: Don't get in the way of drunk men trying to see young girls topless.)

*(As a side note: The creepiest part of the day was looking down at old men with telephoto lenses, digital cameras, and disposable cameras trying to capture girls flashing the crowd. A close second was finding out that the girls flashing the crowd from the party we were attending had boyfriends at the party, who were standing behind them laughing at all the guys getting to see their girlfriend's breasts.)

This will either be my last Mardi Gras, or the first of many many to come. All I need is a girlfriend to pimp out and a telephoto lense.

YES I THINK THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!

2007-02-15T09:21:00.000-05:00

So apparently Tim Hardaway isn’t copacetic with this whole “gay” thing. Hardaway delicately articulated his feelings when he stated, “You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known…I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States." Duly noted, Timothy. For the record, Hardaway would like to add that the Timmy Two-Step no longer describes his legendary cross-over…it’s the way he kicks dirty gays in the face. John Amaechi referenced his big gay thesaurus when he responded to Hardaway’s comments with, “Finally, someone who is honest. It is ridiculous, absurd, petty, bigoted and shows a lack of empathy that is gargantuan and unfathomable. But it is honest.” Amaechi went on to add, “The reprehensible comments of Mr. Hardaway are in no way scrumtrillescent, and if forced to describe a hypothetical embodiment of him in the form of an inorganic reagent, I would refer to him as 4-phenyl-thiophenyl-diphenyl-sulfonium triflate.”

My favorite part of Hardaway’s diatribe was when he said gays shouldn’t be in the locker room. Sounds like Timmy honestly believes the only gay people in the world are like The Sisters from Shawshank.
I’ve heard that Hardaway is still somewhat involved with the Heat, which opens the door for great fun. Jason Kapono and Dorrell Wright can’t possibly fill all their free time, so I think they should form a sham gay relationship between the two of them. They should keep fuzzy navel wine coolers in their lockers, hang up posters of guys, and give Hardaway really long hugs when they see him. Maybe even a kiss on the cheek just for good measure.

In all honesty, I know Hardaway isn’t really fag hater. Isn’t it a little weird that he has the same last name as Anfernee, but they aren’t even related? Pretty obvious the two of them eloped long ago, and Tim is still just trying to cover his tracks. We’re not judging you, Tim, come on out of that closet, and dip your toes in that vast pool of gay tranquility. The water is fine.

*Editor’s note: Run’s with Two Horses is accepting submissions for the current players in the league who are most likely to be gay. Fire away faithful readers.

Valentine's Day Ideas Not Approved By My Hypothetical Girlfriend

2007-02-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

1. watching Boston College play Duke, drinking beer, eating chips.

2. renting "The Departed", drinking beer, eating chips.

3. sex, then sleep.

4. dinner at a fancy place downtown, dancing to jazz at a local club, walk in the park, but not buying flowers.

5. attending a party thrown by friends, falling down drunk, vomiting out of car window.

6. watching "Dog the Bounty Hunter", falling asleep

The Valentine's Day Idea Approved By My Hypothetical Girlfriend

1. flowers, asking "Will You Be My Valentine", walking to an italian bistro and spending 100 dollars, holding hands all day, watching "Music and Lyrics", discussing how Drew Barrymore "isn't really that cute" for 30 minutes followed by "you are much prettier than her", cuddling and talking, cuddling and staring into each other in silence, denial of sex, sleep, sneeking out of the room to write a blog.

Man in the Middle (A Jerry Sloan/Karl Malone Sandwich)

2007-02-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

Bored yesterday, I read an excerpt from John Amaechi's new book "The Man in the Middle," and found it quite interesting. Though instead of an overwhelming sense of sympathy for gay athletes, I found myself just being really really scared of Jerry Sloan. If you are a gay athlete, especially a basketball player, Utah might be the last fucking place you ever want to be. Karl Malone used to use "Queer Eye for the Strait Guy" fatheads as target practice ... in the locker room ... with shotguns ... and a cowboy hat. Mistakenly, I thought most of the hatred would have retired with Karl Malone. An excerpt from Amaechi's book:

"When I brought up the ways the system didn't work for me, Jerry looked like he wanted to shoot holes right through my heart. During one home game, I got slapped with a three-second violation. 'Stupid f---ing c--t!' he screamed at me."

Based on his excert, Amaechi's book will do less to explain the psychological struggle of being a closet homosexual in the NBA, and more to making grown men piss their pants when they watch Jazz games. Another excerpt:

"Jerry raged against players who he thought didn't play hard enough. If we lost two or three in a row, he'd stride into practice yelling, 'You f---ing a-- holes are trying to get me fired!'"

This all said, I really enjoyed the small portion of Amaechi's book that I was able to read. Besides giving me nightmares about Jerry Sloan, it looks as though this book will explore the secret life Amaechi was forced to live during his playing days in Utah. I do, however, have a hard time believing Amaechi when he says he felt Greg Ostertag would have been sympathetic toward his lifestyle. (At one point in the tunnel before a game, Ostertag said to Amaechi, "You gay, dude?") When I look at Greg Ostertag I think of Bryant Reeves. When I think of Bryant Reeves I think of Big Country. When I think of Big Country I think of my hometown. The excerpt did make me like AK-47 a lot more. (He sent Amaechi an invitation to a party and told him it was fine to bring any partner he wanted). Amaechi and AK-47's relationship shows just how secret Amaechi had to be while in Utah. He was confined to his home and was unable to visit the gay bars he liked in Orlando and LA. (A testament to how little he got out, because there are no gay bars in Utah).

I would defintely recommend reading the excerpt from "Man in the Middle" found on ESPN.com. I would probably even enjoy reading the entire book if I had the time. But then again, (in case Sloan is an AwesomeUSA fan) it's most likely filled with a bunch of icky, sin-filled, gay speak.